SHANACANNED

Well, maybe we should just shut down now. He's fired. Fired! Mike Shanahan is gone, baby, gone after the Broncos embarrassed themselves, the city of Denver, and fans around the world by crapping the bed against the Chargers in a must-win situation they had several opportunities to avoid.

Now don't get all whiny on us and say "oh, who better can they get now, LPP?" Better than what? The glory days of Elway and Terrell were long behind Shanny. Long, long, long. Sure, he's had moderate success since then, and while it's notable in a league where perennial powerhouse like Oakland or Miami can hit the skids for years at a time, "moderate success" is not enough for fans with any sense of pride or hope. The ten-year rebuilding plan is over. Shanahan failed. And if the next coach isn't as successful, well guess what? At least ownership is TRYING instead of putting the entire franchise on Jay Cutler's shoulders and praying for Elway-esque miracles like Shanahan seemed to be doing this year.

Pat Bowlen finally sees what we've been seeing for almost 3 years. At best...BEST...Cutler might have been able to do what Elway did in the early days, dragging a team into the playoffs with little name-brand help. But one man can't win a Super Bowl by himself, and those old Broncos runners-up always had Dan Reeves' solid defenses to keep the score within Elway's range. Shanahan's defenses have ranged from solid in the good years to absolutely horrific in the lean years. And these recent years have been LEAN.

We respect that Shanny was able to ride coattails to back-to-back championships without getting in the powerhouse roster's way. We respect that he never let the Broncos turn into a complete 1-15 type of joke during his tenure. We even respect that he inserted and then stood by Jay Cutler as the #1 QB...even though he did it about six months sooner than he should have. But 1998 was a LONG time ago. The old dog's tricks aren't cutting it anymore. We don't feel sorry for Shanny. He can have a job tomorrow if he wanted, in Cleveland or Cincinnati or St. Louis or even a playoff pretender like Arizona or (yes, even) San Diego. And he will be paid millions for it. The Broncos may suck next year but let's face it, with or without Shanny, a Super Bowl wasn't in the cards as they were currently dealt. A fresh start is needed if only to prove that Pat Bowlen cares enough to try.

We'll have more on this later on after we've digested it. We'd also like to direct you here, because we know this guy's ecstatic.

Thanks for the memories, Mike Shanahan, even the bad ones. However, after reviewing your performance, we regret to inform you that your services are no longer required.

And we didn't even really get into how you should have...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

LPP Proven Right since 2006

Thanks a whole lot Mike and Jay.

...

F ME!

Oh...Hannah...Say It Ain't So!

Could the Broncos actually lose the playoff spot that was virtually given to them? I certainly hope not. However it looks like San Diego is playing with a little more heart. I'm afraid that if Denver loses this weekend and San Diego wins, then San Diego will be fired up enough to cream the Broncos in SD.

Please oh please someone give the Broncos the power to win and finish it this week.

By the way the above picture of Hannah Beth just looked better than any Cutler, Bills, or Shanahan pictures I could currently locate.

"Put me down for whoever comes out ahead in your poll"

To quote the voicemail I received from my dad last night around 7pm: "Hey dude, don't come jumping on the Broncos bandwagon now, you can jump on Fav-Rah's, the Raiders or anyone elses, but don't come trying to jump on the Broncos bandwagon now!"

Ok dad, I won't, at least not yet!

Chinese Democracy!

An open letter to our 2 followers:

What will it take? When will you say “Hey LPP you were right all along!” When will you say that benching a QB who had taken you to the AFC Championship for a QB who had a losing record all throughout college was a bad idea? When will you say, Jay is friggin awesome, but hey, I guess it takes more than being just friggin awesome to get a team anywhere?

At the bottom of everything, no matter what any of you have ever said about us, we have been true blue Broncos fans since 1980, when I played on my first little league football team for the local Broncos. So it’s been 28 years we’ve spent a lot of time rooting for the Broncos, and for individual players as well. True, we never like anyone more than John Elway, however Eddie “Mac” Mccaffrey and Jake Plummer came pretty close. Point here is, screw all of you who say all we do is badmouth the Broncos. Truth be told, after a seven year super bowl appearance drought, we so just so over the top excited when Jake had actually led the Broncos back to the AFC championship, we knew we had at least another 3-5 years with a shot. Mike Shanahan ruined all that the very next year. So yeah, we took a lot of our anger out on Jay, who would not have? Oh yeah, all you real Bronco fans I guess.

At the end of the day, when the OAKLAND RAIDERS two highest scoring games in two years BOTH come against the Broncos, you know something is wrong! Blame it on whoever the hell you want, this Broncos team couldn’t shine the shoes of the 2005 team, or any other Bronco team before that. These new 2008 Broncos suck! It’s devastating to have to know that the RAIDERS beat MY team yesterday.

Jake Plummer beat the ALMIGHTY DALLAS COWBOYWS in their heyday all by himself, literally. Did you know that, he was the only one on the field that day, passing to himself and everything!

Jay Cutler can’t beat the Raiders and now boasts a professional record looking more like his college record each year!

Jake Plummer as a Bronco:

39 Wins 15 Losses

Jay Cutler as a Bronco:

15 Wins 17 Losses

WOW, in less than 2 FULL years, Jay has surpassed Jake’s total losses as a Bronco.

F THE RAIDERS!

In other, WAY MORE INTERESTING THAN THESE BRONCOS SUCKING NEWS, Guns N'

Roses finally release the long awaited "Chinese Democracy" and I must say...It's better than anything The Broncos have done in years!

And lastly go visit the new Jake Plummer Message Board, it's fun if nothing else!

Why Not?

I can't really say much more than I've already said about how much I hate the Raiders, therefore I give you this...

Don't like it, go spout off on our new board here: Jake Plummer/Denver Bronco Forum

A Win!

Yeah! We beat the Hawks, but rather than post our thoughts, we'd like to hear yours. We have created a new message forum for you to go and discuss the game. Come on, this is for all two of our faithful readers. We want to hear your thoughts on the game.

Just click here:

new Jake message board

Proposition 8, YES OR NO?

When two bad teams, one at .500 and the other below .500 face off, sure lots of points will be scored. When two said teams are led by two decent quarterbacks, even more points will be scored. Yet, the QB who spent the majority of the previous week preparing, will win. Unfortunately, word around town is Brady spent too much time opposing proposition 8 in California and didn't get much chance to prepare. As for one of our two faithful readers that said "the Browns beat the Giants, so Denver beating the Browns obviously means something." I'm not even sure how to respond to that, beyond asking, is this reader 10 years old? Because when I was 10 years old, I'd often rationalize sports in that very way.

Brandon Marshall on Jay Cutler...

"When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 [coverage], he's got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me," Marshall said. "But it's a team game, and oh, well."

There you go, the team is falling apart. Marshall has the W-BALLS to criticize Cutler? Cutler, as we always have said, does not have the Q-Balls to come back and say, "eh, you know what, Brandon Marshall is a soft son of a bitch."

You know who would have had the Q-Balls? That's right, one Jake Plummer. Hell, Jake probably would have slammed his Honda Element into the back of Marshall's soft ass!

By the way, this picture further illustrates Marshall is a soft ass. Look at those PJ pants.

WE WERE RIGHT, ALWAYS ARE, ALWAYS WILL BE!

13 WINS and 16 LOSSES

as a pro quarterback. Blame it on anything you want to. Since the BENCHING of Jake Plummer our wonderful and phenomenal Denver Broncos have gone 13-16. Let's see...It took Jake nearly 4 years to rack up 15 losses, in that same time he won 39 games for the Broncos. Lil' Pumpkin Pie has now surpassed Jake's losses in less than 3 years. Don't forget, he had a losing record at Vanderbilt as well.

Go ahead, curse us out, but if Jay is that good, than at least admit it's time for SHANAHAN to go.

Oh that's just what we f***ing need

This is very, very bad.

With the Broncos already playing defense like the Braille Institute's JV squad, now comes the news that Champ Bailey is out 4-6 weeks and Boss Bailey is D-U-N (that spells 'done') for the season. Phenomenal. The only defender who can actually defend is out for at least a month. His brother is just out.

Let's run this by you all again...the Broncos have already given up the second-most points in the league (one point behind the Niners,) were wrecked up by the opposing runner in 3 of the last 4 weeks, were slapped around by Matt "No Starts Since High School" Cassel, and now they lose their only undisputed All-Pro defender? Someone get us a beer, stat.

The worst thing about all this is that in the end, this provides a cushion for Mike Shanahan to get another "get out of jail free" card. "Oh, you can't blame Shanahan for this defense! They lost the Fabulous Bailey Boys in the same week!" Whupever. The defense is bad already. Now this puts things into panic mode.

Oh, and this SHOULDN'T matter, but we get the feeling it will considering the offensive line is starting to get fatigued again and Pumpkin Pie already has a minor injury...Patrick Ramsey's out too, meaning there's no back-up QB.

It's a razor's edge the Broncos are walking upon, and if recent history is any indication...well, let's just say we hate being so right.

Broncos break Jake's winning streak vs. Patriots

We feel the same way about him, Jay.

With the Patriots' season in a shambles due to the loss of Tom Brady, it seemed they were ripe for a Broncos picking on Monday Night in Foxboro. After all, they'd been whupped by the tough but undermanned Dolphins and kicked around by the injury-ravaged Chargers. Why couldn't there be a Pats beatdown by the high-powered offense of Pumpkin Pie and the Broncos?

Oh, the defense. That's why not. For any of our fellow Broncos fans who might be understandably confused by the word, "defense" is the process by which a football team puts 11 men on the field with the intent of stopping the 11 men on the opposite team from advancing that little oblong pigskin object towards one of the goal lines.

We only emphasize this because, frankly, we are strongly becoming convinced that Mike Shanahan needs to be informed of exactly what defense means.

Pats backup QB Matt Cassel had been floundering for weeks, making Pats fans and non-fans alike question exactly what the hell Bill Belichick was thinking having his Hall of Fame-destined Golden Boy Tom Brady backed up by a guy who wasn't even a starter in college. To make matters worse, the Ultimate Cheater didn't even go after any free agent QBs when Brady went down for the year. Personal grudges aside, Daunte Culpepper was available and at least had a history of being able to throw to Randy Moss fairly well. It's not like a player's recent stats can really tell the story when said player put up those stats as a Raider.

But back to the Broncos, Cassel seriously slapped them around, throwing 3 TDs with no effort and the no-name New England running game wrecked up the Broncos D something fierce. It's becoming more and more evident that's we're in year three of defensive suckitude, and IT'S GETTING WORSE? Are you kidding? Bob Slowik is looking like a "dead man walking" which would make him the third such condemned man in a row. Even Champ Bailey can't overcome 10 teammates with no direction. So what's coming now? Another new defensive coach? Will Jim Ryan be served up on a plate in 2009 to yet again safeguard Shanahan from criticism? Oh, but this isn't Shanahan's fault, right?

WRONG.

Look, we're 4-3. It could be a lot worse (we're about 3 plays away from 2-5.) But the Broncos have given up more points than they've scored...and they scored a lot of points, at least in the first few games. Have the 2008 Broncos become predictable already? (Yes.) Is Shanahan starting to show cracks mid-season for the third straight year? (Yes.) Is Jay Cutler going to be able to save the season or is he doomed to Carson Palmerdom because the defense can't give him breathing room and the offensive line can't stop the thunder? (Please, no.)

Well, we've got a bye week coming for Jay's hand injury to heal up and for the team to prepare for a tough but winnable game at home (AT HOME, DAMMIT) against Miami. After that, they're off to Cleveland, where the Browns are killing themselves trying to save the season and the Falcons are suddenly looking like an actual franchise again.

Coach Shanahan: Shape up. One of the best coaches ever? Lead or leave. Broncos management is in a downward spiral, and they're going to take some talented players down with them if this keeps up.

Come on, now. Didn't Jake "The Snake" Plummer teach you guys anything? Once he figured out Belicheat and the Patriots, all Plummer did was roll off three straight wins, including a playoff game! In recent years, Jake OWNED the Patriots. One wonders how Jake felt watching something he used to do with such ease turn to such mush in the hands of his micromanaging former coach. Come on, Jake would have underhanded a TD to Eddie Royal--with his left hand--on the first possession Monday!

(Jake Plummer could not be reached for comment on this story. Well, we aren't really allowed to talk to him. Stupid restraining order. Look, we moved our car, man! We took the tent off your lawn! What more do you want, sir?!?! You da man, Jake! We'll be over here if you need anything! Do you need anything? Jake?)

Anyway, the Patriots would have been easy picking had this been 2005 or 2006 when the Broncos still...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

We must occasionally bow to the wishes of our fellow fans

It appears we have once again been overly harsh to our beloved white horses and our millions of loyal fans around the world have seen fit to slap us on our typing wrists. Yes, it's true. We can be Negative Nancies at times. In fact, those times occur quite often. But far be it from us to (my God) act like closet Chargers fans.

Why should we bring up negatives? Surely the Broncos have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are inching closer to regaining the greatness of the championship years. Jay Cutler is a young gunslinger, Brandon Marshall is a phenom when he actually concentrates on football, and Mike Shanahan despite our occasionally playful jab has at least decided to Let Pumpkin Play.

We don't want to be overly pessimistic, it is simply in our nature to do so. With that in mind, let us not dwell upon the Broncos' recent fizzle against Jacksonville. Let us not dread this weekend's trip to Foxboro. Let us instead celebrate all that is good about being Broncos fans and football fans in general.









...










Oh screw it, here's a cat in a bow tie:

Isn't that f***ing hilarious? He thinks he's people!

Hey, if we were all yippy-skippy about everything the Broncos did, rain or shine, win or lose, champs or chumps, we'd be just like all the other gushing kiss-ass fan sites of every team in every other sport cluttering up the net. You know, the way ESPN is with the Red Sox. The rest of team sports should be so lucky as to have fans like us! We offer constructive criticism and unconditional love...with a few conditions.

As a matter of fact, if you've got another team you'd like us to rep in another sport, let us know and we'll lovingly bitch about them too! Just not a hockey team. Not because hockey sucks, it's just...well, there's a lot of long European names and they all kind of blend together. And because hockey in a league format does indeed suck.

By the way, the Broncos will win by two scores this weekend, so nyah.

Well that wasn't fun at all

This sort of sums up the game.

Well although they kind of hung in there as much as they could, and despite some bad calls, the Broncos got stepped over by an underwhelming Jags team. Pumpkin Pie fought bravely but couldn't do much to prevent a loss thanks to injuries and general incompetence by the defense. Seriously, that first Jags drive in the 3rd was embarrassing. The first two minutes of the second half featured some of the worst defense we've seen from Denver in a while, and that's counting the whupping in Detroit last year. Cutler kept them in it for the most part but there just wasn't enough done here to deserve a win. So much for the "Mastermind" and the Mile High Advantage.

Turnovers, bad defense, injuries...yeah, this isn't looking too promising over the next few weeks. They can still win 10 games, but this was definitely no confidence builder. The bigger problem here is that San Diego just gave their confidence a case of Red Bull by dismantling New England. Sure, the Pats aren't the same without Brady, but psychologically the Chargers are probably deluding themselves into a frenzy that could be tough to deal with once they edge closer to the Broncos. Sometimes a team gets a little hair on their balls and they suddenly think they're King Kong.

The Broncos need to heal up, stay focused, and go beat the Patriots next week. That's going to be rough because for one it's a road game and for two, the Patriots will be out to make a statement after the loss. What we really need (besides Jake Plummer suiting up for, say, Detroit) is for Jay "Pumpkin Pie" Cutler to get pissed off, put the team on his back, and hit the Patriots with every ounce of Q-Balls he can muster. C'mon Pumpkin Pie, get MAD! If you want, you can get mad that we call you Pumpkin Pie. Although we do it out of love here at...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!


Oh, and Happy Columbus Day, if you're so inclined to celebrate such a fake-ass "holiday." But at least we have jobs that give us the day off.

This town needs an enema!

Yes, yes, the Broncos beat the Fake Raiders. Yes, we took a long time to update. But we've been investigating a series of mysterious vandalisms (is that a word?)

Pumpkin Pie was a victim.

Ditto Pat Bowlen.

Even the beloved "Mastermind" Mike Shanahan got a taste of the defacement.

How could this have happened?

Who is responsible for this dastardly deed?

Who put smiles on these otherwise sour faces?

Who?

Who?

Whom, even?

.
.
.
We have some idea...

Why so serious?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled football season.

See what happens when we veer off message?

Are we the only ones who saw nothing but this all day?

You know what? We were almost starting to believe. You read the last few posts, we admit it...we were starting to not only enjoy Broncos games again, we were actually having expectations! Positive expectations! And then what happens? The defense craps the field against one of the worst teams in football.

Don't come at us with "oh, the Chiefs were playing over their heads today" or "the Chiefs were just due to have a good game after being terrible for so long" and PLEASE don't bring up home field advantage. Did you all see what the damn Raiders did in Arrowhead? The Chiefs consist of Larry Johnson, Tony Gonzalez, and pick a scrub QB (Damon WHO?ard) and that's it. You stack the line against LJ and you go to work. Naturally, the guy has a vintage afternoon and makes the Broncos "defense" (quotation marks intentional) look like the pee-wee squad from "Little Giants" and even Huard has a mistake-free game.

Ugh. Well, we apologize to our loyal readers who thought we were drinking Shanny's Kool-Aid (never were, we just had a lil' faith in Pumpkin Pie) and we'd like to re-emphasize just how bad the defense is. Jeepers H. Crackers, we didn't think they were this bad. If you can't hold the Chiefs (the Chiefs? The CHIEFS???) under 30 points then you are a failure as a defensive unit. But we've been saying that for two years...we just thought all that was behind us.

The Broncos are one-dimensional...again. At least the one-dimension is a good dimension, but as we saw today, sometimes offense alone isn't going to cut it--even against one of the joke teams of the league. Shanahan needs to get this team's s*** together pronto. For the third year and third defensive coordinator in a row, the defense stinks. Maybe it's not the coordinator...maybe it's the personnel. Or maybe it's the guy who selects the personnel. Ah well. 3-1 isn't a bad place to be, especially since we're one Ed Hochuli and Martin Gramatica away from being 1-3. The Broncos should still be able to win 10 games as long as they take care of business at Mile High and don't throw suck-fests on the road like today's.

Ugh. The Chiefs? Inexcusable.

The Chiefs.

The Chiefs?

Ugh.

Kansas City is about to get Old Yeller'd

Enjoy that tailgate y'all, because the fun's over when the game starts.

What was once a feared excursion into the heart of hell itself has now become one of the biggest tomato can shooting galleries in the NFL. That's right, the Broncos are off to Kansas City to presumably stomp the Chiefs into next Thursday. After yet another nail biter, the Broncos are 3-0 and we don't see any way they lose this game. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The Chiefs were our early pick for "Worst Team In League" and although St. Louis is just a tad worse right now with Detroit and Cincy right in the running, KC is still on track for that #1 2009 draft pick despite scaring the crap out of New England. KC may end up with the same record as another bad team, which means that in spirit, the Chiefs will "lose" the "loser tiebreaker" for the sheer moral victory of assassinating Tom Brady's knee and sending the Patriots into chaos. However, their thorough spanking at the hands of the Raiders at Arrowhead gives us confidence that Pumpkin Pie and the Funky Bunch may not only beat the Chiefs but set some offensive records in a runaway victory...

...especially since the Chiefs' offense is so bad that even the Broncos' defense won't come close to blowing this one (they won't, right?) Seriously, we're pumped by the ripping start to the season, but the defense is giving us nightmares. Denver's going to win 10 or 11 games--there it is, everyone--but if the offense runs into a tougher D when it matters, the Broncos are going to wind up like the Bengals were a few years ago, a lights-out offense and a defense that wouldn't scare Gary Coleman.

Still, Denver's relatively healthy now and almost every other team in the AFC who was unquestionably better has suffered some sort of injury to their biggest names--Brady, Tomlinson, Merriman, Parker, Roethlisberger, Manning, and lesser important pieces (like the Colts' offensive line) are out of the lineup or playing hurt. Anything can happen. This could just be one of those weird years when a one-dimensional team can win it all. Heck, it's happened 3 times in the last decade alone: the 2000 Rams, the 2001 Ravens, the 2003 Fake Raiders...one never knows. We don't quite yet believe Shanahan's rejuvenated himself 100%, but if the defense can just keep another team (a good team, not the Chiefs or Raiders) under 25 freaking points, the Broncos are in it to win it.

Just no more heart attack games like New Orleans, please...30 other kickers in the NFL would have put the Broncos at 2-1. Combined with "Hochuli's Gift" against the Chargers, we should be 1-2 right now...but we'll take it as long as the wins keep coming.

(Note from Pale Horseman--And Jay Cutler is having a monster fantasy season. Keep it up, Pumpkin Pie. I want that league money...errr, I mean the satisfaction of fantasy dominance. For entertainment purposes only, of course.)

Typical...

This was sent to us by a Raider fan. I guess they do have a lot to be happy about, I mean the Raiders did beat the Cheifs. The Patriots beat the Cheifs, so if the Raiders can now beat teams the Patriots can beat, WATCH OUT, the Raiders might be going 15-1 this year guys.

Shanahan makes a good call.

It's better to be lucky...

There. We said it. Going for two? That was pretty neat.

But if they had lost this game it would have been the ultimate embarrassment. After 14 points worth of gifts from Football Satan (Champ's "strip" that should have been overturned and Ed Hochuli's hasty whistle on Pumpkin Pie's "oopsie" fumble) Shanahan had no business getting an "L" which is probably why he chose to go for two...losing in OT would have looked bad on the entire game's effort, blowing a 2-point conversion only looks bad for one play. So credit for smarts, there.

A win is a win, and we'll happily take 2-0. Cutler got oddly shaky near the end, but luckily the referees bailed him and the Broncos out so he can learn from his mistakes without having to absorb the loss. This was definitely a game for the Broncos to take with Merriman out, LT hobbled, and the Mile High advantage--this was not an upset, this was "winning when you should." We're not going to put Denver in the NFL's top 3 just yet, but hey, they're atop the AFC West. If San Diego continues its streak of bad decisions and worse luck, a Denver division title is easily attainable since there are at least 5 more guaranteed victories on the schedule (Oakland and Miami at Mile High, Atlanta, and two shots at beating up Kansas City.) That means all they have to do is win 2-3 of the games that could go either way (Tampa Bay, Cleveland, Buffalo,) and pull off at least one upset (we're thinking @ Carolina for that one) That's at least 9 to 11 victories, and that's enough to win this crappy AFC West. Maybe they aren't ready to take down Pittsburgh in a playoff situation, but the rest of the AFC has deteriorated so quickly that ANYTHING can happen. Hey, why not?

Besides, if all the pieces fall into place and Denver somehow wins the Super Bowl, we can admit we were wrong about everything in the history of ever and close down the site...we'll see. Until then, we remain...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!

Pumpkin Pie in the Raiders' faces

Great Pumpkin!

Well, that's a good start to the season. As we predicted, Pumpkin Pie is carrying the team despite the running game slipping away and the Raiders essentially stopping themselves by even bothering to use Justin "Every Yard Is Uphill" Fargas when they have a machine named Darren McFadden. Helpful hint, Lil' Lane Kiffin...running backs don't need to learn the game like QB's do. They run. That's it. Make a hole for them and things happen. And with that bit of advice, we'd like to add...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...ahhhh. F*** the Raiders. Side note: Jamarcus Russell actually doesn't look too bad. But who in the hell are his receivers? Wait, did Ashley Lelie just...ASHLEY LELIE? And who is "Scheilens?" While we're at it...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...ahhh. Way to suck and blow at the same time Chargers. Losing to Carolina? In San Diego? From Jake Delhomme? As time expired? Yeah, have fun watching the Super Bowl at home again. And oh yeah...

Ha. We can't laugh too hard at the Chiefs. We hate them, but they did mow down Tom Brady, and we'd like to congratulate Kansas City for their moral victory. Ladies and Gentlemen, your starting AFC Pro Bowl QB, Jay Cutler.

For those who might smacktalk about Jake and our ongoing dedication to his old career, we knew Cutler would be starting by now when he was drafted. So, whatever. Our issue was with the failures of 06 and 07. It's 2008 now and we're Broncos fans. Maybe we can't win it all, but we can do some damage--of course we'll back our Pie in the Mile High. Also, Eddie Royal seems to be the real deal and Scheffler looks to be continuing his improvement.

(Note from Pale Horseman--And just to be honest here, Pumpkin Pie is my fantasy starting QB. Better believe I'm behind him this year. LET PUMPKIN SCORE!!!)

Dear Jake...

Dear Snake,

How’s it going? I’m writing to you because I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Not in a gay way or anything. I’m just one of your biggest fans and it’s starting to sink in that you might not be playing ever again in the NFL.

I’m a full grown man and have a pretty good job. I go to work 5 days a week to my boring job and the one thing I had to look forward to all year is the football season featuring my favorite player, Jake Plummer. Well, now you’ve retired rather than play for Tampa Bay. I can understand that. Tampa Bay is far away and it’s very hot and humid. I don’t like humidity. It makes my clothes all sticky. You can see my nipples when my clothes get sticky. This probably is less of a problem for you because you’re so big and strong and well-built, but I’m sure it’s still bothersome.

Anyway, I’ve been moping about the house. Baseball is meaningless to me and even my favorite TV shows aren’t as interesting anymore. Every time I’m close to being entertained by something, I imagine your handsome, full-bearded face dancing in front of my eyes, as you drop back to throw a sure touchdown. Sometimes you pull the ball in close and start running for the first down. Either way, I become depressed because I start wondering if I’ll ever see it for real again. My girl is telling me to get over you, but she doesn’t understand how I feel about you. You’ve been a part of my life ever since you first suited up for Arizona State, and now that you’re gone I don’t know what I’ll do. I realize that sounds harsh, like you’re dead or something, but if you aren’t in a football uniform, you just aren’t as alive to me as you used to be. And if you aren’t alive, I wonder if I’m really alive.

Sometimes I stand at the edge of the cliffs out by my house and wonder if there is life after Jake. I never jump, because you wouldn’t want me to jump and I respect that, but even so, I wonder and despair. I’m not mad at you, Jake. How could I be mad at you? You’ve been there for me through all the good times. Like the time my dog died, and I was sad, and you made me feel better by beating the Cowboys in the playoffs with the Cardinals. That was a nice thing you did Jake, and even though you may not have known it, I really think that was meant to make me feel better. I also remember the time I jinxed you when I forgot to pick my girl up from her mom’s house, and the next day the Broncos lost to the Colts in the playoffs. I know it’s hard to forgive me for that, but a good guy like you probably did.

Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I know you’re happy in your new life, with your pretty cheerleader wife and your money, not having to play with that mean guy Shanahan with his little golden boy quarterback, who isn’t half the guy you were. But since you haven’t actually turned in your retirement paperwork, maybe you could take one of Jon Gruden’s phone calls and come back to play. Even if it was just to be the backup, it would do me a lot of good to see you on the sidelines with your handsome moustache and a headset, calling in plays to Jeff Garcia even though you’re better than he is. Terrell Owens said he was gay. I don’t know if that’s true, but I know one thing for sure: you aren’t gay, Jake. No sir. You’re too much of a man to be gay, and I love that about you too.

You don’t have to write back to me. Returning to the game I loved watching you play would be response enough. Until then, enjoy your vacation and continue being great.

Sincerely, Your biggest fan, Jack Snake

NFL Predictions Part III

Ten years ago, these graphics would have made you poop yourself.

And now, the saga continues in:

LETPLUMMERPLAY.COM 's 2008-09 NFL PREVIEW

EPISODE III...AFC EAST/AFC NORTH

AFC EAST
CHEATERS OCCASIONALLY PROSPER
Let's just face it. The Patriots are going to plow through the regular season again. An unprecedented second 16-0 season isn't really that unthinkable. Barring catastrophic injury they'll end up 14-2 at worst...and in that case New England's die hard fans (loyal since 2001!) will find a way to complain and draw attention to their woes. The Pats aren't perfect, mind you (thank God.) They can be pushed around by a tougher team. So it's too bad for the rest of us that they're in the AFC East and don't have to deal with that for a minimum of 6 games a year. Even more light and fluffy is that their NFC schedule goes through the pathetic NFC West. Those two factors add up to ten near-guaranteed wins! Circle these three games: @ San Diego, @ Indianapolis, home vs. Pittsburgh. Seriously, those are the only three games in which the Patriots should be favored by less than double digits. And yes, unfortunately that's counting the Denver game.
Fantasy Focus: QB Achilles the Mighty, WR Dog It If I Don't Like My Situation, WR Blue Collar White Guy Who Gets Too Much Homer Love...oops, we mean, Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Wes Welkah. And the Defense.

IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
Buffalo's a rough team to cheer for. We'll give its fans credit for sticking by them through ups and downs. Naturally, ownership and the NFL is going to repay the city by whoring the team out to Toronto to try and get more money (and grease the wheels for an eventual relocation.) Well, that's capitalism for you...and that's worked out real good for our gas pumps and real estate over the past few years, hasn't it? Hey, it's better than China. Anyway, other than Marshawn Lynch the Bills don't have a whole lot of positives this year. All we can say is: Hit Brady at the knees, fellas.
Fantasy Focus: RB Marshawn "Ambience" Lynch

GOING OUT LIKE MONTANA
And by that we mean both famous Montanas, Joe and Tony. Like Joe Montana before him, Brett Favre goes from a perennial contender to a somewhat lesser team that gets to bask in the dimming twilight of Brett's Hall of Fame career. And like Tony Montana before him, Brett's going to come out guns blazing before getting his ass blown away. The New York Jets of New Jersey couldn't protect Chad Pennington; Brett will likely be equally hounded. He won't have an easy opening schedule either...the Jets face the Parcells-revamped Dolphins, the Patriots, then the Chargers in weeks 1-3. The schedule gets easier after that, but the Jets are still a mysterious lump of clay. If nothing else, Favre getting through all 16 games without getting pummelled into a real forced retirement with a permanent limp...that would be victory enough.
Fantasy Focus: QB Brett Fav-ruh, RB Thomas Jones, WR Jerricho Cotchery

TUNA IS BETTER WITH DOLPHIN
The Miami Dolphins may finally have their act together. Oh they won't challenge for a division title, but at least with Bill Parcells aboard, they are considerably less of a joke than they've been for the past decade. The roster is such a mess that Ricky Williams is considered an important piece...but maybe they've finally got him under control (you know, just like Todd Marinovich!) They have a bunch of intruiging pieces, including their new Coach Tony Soprano...uh, Sparano, and a reasonably easy schedule outside of the fact that New England gets two free punches at them. A Super Bowl prediction would be insane, but .500 in the AFC East is kooky but doable. Not saying it'll happen, but it's doable.
Fantasy Focus: Good question.

LPP's Predicted Standings:
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: 15-1
NEW YORK JETS: 8-8
BUFFALO/TORONTO BILLS: 6-10
MIAMI DOLPHINS: 6-10

AFC NORTH
THAT'S SO RAVEN
It sounds odd to say about any division featuring the Baltimore Ravens, but the AFC North may be the most entertaining overall division in the NFL this year. True, the Ravens have yet to fully grasp Knute Rockne's revolutionary but esoteric strategy of "the forward pass," but their defense is still dangerous enough to win them at least 6 games...so all they need out of the offense is about 5 good games and they're golden. That's a tough order. Getting five good offensive games out of Baltimore a season is like getting five good songs out of Nickleback's career--it's probably not going to happen, and in fact even one would be miraculous. They'll show up at the strangest times, just enough to play spoiler.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, RB Willis McGahee

HOT STUFF COMING THROUGH
Considering all the flak he takes, Ben Roethlisberger had one of the quietest 32 TD seasons we've ever seen last year. Combined with Willie Parker and the usual tenacious Steeler D, the Steelers should cruise into the playoffs. Should. They just don't seem like an elite team and Cleveland knocked on the door hard last season. If Fast Willie runs out of gas, there's trouble brewing. Besides, no team with a mascot as creepy as Steely McBeam should be allowed within fifty yards of a Super Bowl game. They'll win double digits, make the playoffs, win their first playoff game, and then get bounced. Whether it's out of the AFC Championship or just the second round is up to the football Gods. And Indianapolis.
Fantasy Focus: QB Ben Roethlisberger, RB Willie Parker, The Defense

VICTORY TASTES GOOD, LIKE SALTWATER TAFFY OR A CHUNKY
After John Elway killed the spirit of the Browns so much that the assface owner chickened out and left town for a pile of money to a town that had already had an assface owner leave town because there wasn't enough money in it, Cleveland took a few years off and then became an expansion joke. Well, joke's over. Somewhere along the way, the Browns became relevant again, and they probably won't go away any time soon. Their offense went from nothing to threat in a heartbeat, and the defense--while not overwhelming--shows up enough times a year to keep them in a few games. Derek Anderson made Brady Quinn irrelevant overnight and with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow around to correct throwing errors, he won't be giving up that starting spot anytime soon. But they have to turn the corner soon. Two years sounds about right...they can get back just in time for the Broncos to be there to kick them in the crotch again.
Fantasy Focus: QB Derek Anderson, the WRs, TE Kellen Winslow

THE DEFENSE RESTS
It's nice when you can make a Bengals joke with double meaning. Carson Palmer might actually make it through a full season this year, which is good because it's probably going to be another long defenseless effort for the Bungles. Assuming that no one else gets arrested, they can win any game by putting up 38 points out of nowhere. But then there will be the days when 38 points won't be enough because the defense lets 45 go by. Since we don't give a crap about the Bengals, we'll enjoy those shootouts, especially if they're playing against someone we have on our fantasy team.
Fantasy Focus: QB Carson Palmer, the WRs

LPP's Predicted Standings:
PITTSBURGH STEELERS: 11-5
CLEVELAND BROWNS: 10-6
CINCINNATI BENGALS: 7-9
BALTIMORE RAVENS: 6-10

Since so many of you care (0 comments thus far...wow, thanks fellas) we'll back in a couple more days with the final installment including the (dun dun dunnnn) Broncos Preview!

Plus other stuff maybe.

NFL Predictions Part II

These teams get no respect. And with good reason.

For the four of you that read it (including our staff,) it's time to continue...

LETPLUMMERPLAY.COM's 2008-09 NFL PREVIEW!

PART II - NFC SOUTH AND NFC WEST

NFC SOUTH
Quick intro: We here at LPP figure that no division in football gets as little respect as the NFC South. Mostly because Dallas should be in this division but during realignment Jerry Jones threatened to sue the NFL if the Cowboys got taken out of the NFC East. This would have cut out their high-profile NY, Philly, and DC visits and Jerry can't live without that media attention. Unfortunately, the decision sealed the fate of the NFC South as a crappy, second-rate division full of afterthoughts. There's a Super Bowl champion from this decade who still gets second-rate status in their own state behind the very-much HAS-BEEN FRANCHISE that is the Dolphins (Tampa Bay.) There's a team most people simply forget unless they're Sunday's opponent, even though they represented the NFC in the Super Bowl not five years ago (Carolina.) There's a team that sits in the 9th biggest city in America that people only care about because their last quarterback tortured and killed a bunch of dogs (guess who?) Finally, there's a team that may only still be in its host city because Mother Nature nearly wiped half the state off of the map (New Orleans...remember the "Los Angeles Saints" rumors? We do.) That's pretty sad.

TERMINUS
Atlanta, while big, is just an overgrown small town in a sweaty, sweaty region of the country. Just thought we'd get that out there. Michael Vick is still locked up for the time being, so the biggest star on the team is probably...um...Jason Elam? They also picked up Michael Turner, which should finally determine if he's really a big-time back or if San Diego's O-line had just been really generous when he subbed for LT. Atlanta's going to suck this year. If you're a fan of theirs, deal with it. Not to sound depressing, but if you're a fan of Atlanta in any sport you're probably used to suffering. Worst of all, you don't even get the sympathy that Boston and Chicago fans get when their teams suck for long periods of time. But you whine about it less, so f*** those bitchy cities. We feel you, Atlanta. Even if we'll never visit you except as an airport layover.
Fantasy Focus: RB Michael Turner; K Jason "Monday Night Jihad" Elam.

A PANTHER IS JUST A BIG PUSSY...CAT
Ho-hum. Carolina never seems to know what kind of team they've got. A contender? A pretender? "Ah, who cares?" they say. "Let's just throw Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith out there and see what happens." We really believe this is the heart and soul of Panthers football. The only reason this franchise stays afloat is because the South is batshit-crazy for football. If there was no NFL team the fans would all sit in the parking lot with portable TVs and tailgate all Sunday anyway. Even if the Panthers are good--even if they're a Super Bowl contender--who cares? We're about as excited to see what Carolina's going to do this year as we are about having to get yearly prostate exams after age 35. On that note, we'll just move on.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense (except for the Saints games); WR Steve Smith

MARDI (GRAS) BALL
The most exciting team in the NFC South--again--are the good old Saints. Drew Brees is a fantasy beast, Reggie Bush gets reamed for his light rushing while racking up receptions, and they've got some dynamic receivers. They even picked up that jackass Jeremy Shockey from the Giants, so now they have a media-hungry dick on the team to divert attention away from Bush and Brees. And oh yeah, their defense couldn't keep a 5-year-old away from a cookie jar. So we'll be seeing a lot of "38-31"-type of scores. Hopefully for the Saints, they'll be on that "38" end. They have the offensive horses; it's the on other side of scrimmage that they stumble. Still, there are only two teams with a real chance to make playoff noise in this division; the Saints are one of them. (Broncos fans...get ready for a shootout at Invesco on 9/21.)
Fantasy Focus: Most of the offensive starters, but count on RB Bush missing 2-3 games minimum and take injury-riddled TE Shockey at your own risk.

JAKE WUZ ROBBED
The Tampa Bay Fake Raiders do come in with decent expectations. But we still hate them for hijacking half of Jake Plummer's rightful money like it was a SALARY instead of a a BONUS given by Denver years ago. You think we forgot? F*** you, Fake Raiders! Anyway, Larry Coyer (thanks again, Shanahan) should again be able to put together a top ten defense. It's the offense that sometimes forgets to show up. It's like a reverse New Orleans! The receivers are over the hill, the running backs are tough, serviceable, and injury-prone, and they usually carry eight or nine quarterbacks, even though a healthy Jeff Garcia is really the only one that's any good (and he's usually not 100% healthy.) Unfortunately for Jake supporters like ourselves, Tampa's got the best chance of winning this division simply because they're the only team that plays consistently solid defense. However, we are happy enough with the karmic knowledge that no matter what happens, this team ain't winning a Super Bowl this year. Nor for the next 20 years.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, WR Joey Galloway

LPP's Predicted Standings:
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: 9-7 (wins tiebreaker)
TAMPA BAY BUCCAFAKERAIDERNEERS: 9-7
CAROLINA PANTHERS: 7-9
ATLANTA FALCONS: 4-12

NFC WEST
THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN?
The NFC West is as big of a mess as its AFC counterpart. Three teams with low expectations and murky futures and one good-but-not-great team. In the NFC West, that one team is the Seattle Seahawks. To further muddle things, Seattle doesn't even look as good this year. Shaun Alexander, perhaps the best player in team history, is gone after a steep two-year decline. The current RB situation features his former backup Maurice "Definitely Not Mercury" Morris and Julius Jones, the former backup in Dallas. Matt Hasselbeck's lingering injuries are popping up again. They have a crop of solid #3 receivers and no #1. Their defense is efficient but occasionally disappears. Seattle is our prediction for Biggest Disappoinment Team (NFC) this year, which is sad because poor Seattle already lost the SuperSonics and the Mariners stink. Still, the Seahawks may end up atop the NFC West, simply because Mike Holmgren is a pretty darn good coach (despite looking like a walrus with a thyroid problem) and the rest of this division is stunningly bad.
Fantasy Focus: QB Matt Hasslebeck, if he plays; The Defense--pick and choose your matchups, though.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The Rams probably think they have a good chance to turn their franchise around from last year's pathetic 3-13 record and actually make a run. Well, they're wrong, at least about the "make a run" part. St. Louis does look to improve, however. If Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger can avoid getting steamrolled and play 13-16 games, the Rams can put a ton of points on the board pretty quick. Unfortunately, they're the poor man's Saints--their offense isn't as good and their defense is even worse. To top it off, they have to get through the entire NFC East and the Patriots before November even starts. That's not a good thing, especially for team morale. If they can get lucky here and there, maybe catch a few teams off guard, and avoid losing the entire offense to injury again, they might have a very outside chance at the Wild Card. But we're talking way, way, outside chance, like if 8-8 is good enough to get in.
Fantasy Focus: If healthy? QB Marc Bulger; RB Steven Jackson; WR Torry Holt

JERRY RICE ISN'T WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR
The 49ers have fallen a long way since the glory days of Montana, Rice, Young, Watters, and Craig. Hell, they've fallen a long way since T.O. and Garcia. Something just seems like it's never going to work again there, which is a shame for one of the NFL's former shining lights. The QB situation is a mess, and there's a bunch of #2's stuffed in WR (which is at least better than Seattle's All-#3 team.) Frank Gore is a beast of a runner though, assuming he doesn't get hurt, which you can't assume. The defense will continue to crumble under heavy pressure. To sum up, the Niners are not going anywhere for the time being and should be crossing their fingers for one hell of a draft pick next year. 6-10 is a reasonable goal. 7-9 would be a miracle. 9-7 or better? Check for locusts and keep an eye on your firstborn children.
Fantasy Focus: RB Frank Gore and nothing more.

JAKE PLUMMER'S GREATEST MIRACLE
We can't let a mention of the Arizona Cardinals go by without reminding our readers that the one playoff win, the one bright moment in this teams' long and miserable last 20 years, came from the arm of Jake "The Snake" Plummer. So what about this year? Well, they finished 8-8 last year, which can be taken one of two ways: Either they played over their heads and toughed out an unlikely .500 season or their competition was so bad that anything worse than .500 would have been embarrassing. We'll go with the former (surprising, considering the franchise.) Arizona might just be on the way up although their defense is still a work-in-progress and they can't get enough of former All-Pro running backs that roll into town five years past their prime. There's also a question mark at quarterback, where the choices are astoundingly odd. Do you go with Kurt Warner, a proven vet with way too many miles on the meter whose reputation mostly rides on his old St. Louis powerhouse offense anyway? Or do you turn the keys over to Matt Leinart, who slowly but surely is looking less and less like a golden boy prospect and more and more like a guy who's overwhelmed despite being given receivers that Jay Cutler would eat a bowl of dry Kool-Aid powder to get on his team? Either way, they picked the right division in which to roll the dice. No 16-0 juggernauts here, thank you very much. Semi-Bold Prediction: Arizona's winning the division. And getting murdered in the playoffs. (One step at a time...)
Fantasy Focus: WR Larry Fitzgerald; WR Anquan Boldin

LPP's Predicted Standings:
ARIZONA CARDINALS: 9-7
ST. LOUIS RAMS: 7-9
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: 7-9
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS:5-11

Stay tuned...the AFC East and Central will be coming up soon.

Our NFL Predictions - Part 1

Not this year. Well, maybe.

Hey kids! What time is it? It's time for...

LETPLUMMERPLAY'S NFL PREVIEW!!!

Sure, we love Jake Plummer and we love the Broncos, but other teams can and do exist outside of Denver! Who'da thunk it? without further ado, here's a heaping helping of our expert analysis for the upcoming NFL season! Remember, our predictions are for entertainment purposes only! If you listen to us and gamble on our picks...you're an idiot!

PART I - NFC EAST & NFC NORTH

NFC EAST:
THE NEW YORK GIANTS OF NEW JERSEY
Let's start with Da Champs. After a stunning--dare we say, awe-inspiring-- victory over the Cheatriots, the Giants come into the 2008-09 season not only with no respect in terms of a repeat, but with second-page status thanks to the Brett Favre deal. These guys are getting the short end of the stick, and it should inspire them. It probably won't. They'll probably get a Wild Card, but despite Eli Manning having what should be a fully matured season (maybe even coming within a sniff of Peyton's numbers) the Giants are still more of a single big-game team than a season-long juggernaut. Then again, the 2007 Giants remind us of the 2001 Patriots a little in terms of coaching, teamwork, and a general lack of egos (now that Strahan and Shockey are gone.) Will continue to improve into a powerhouse or will they pull a one-and-done? History seems to indicate the latter, but we'll see.
Fantasy Focus: QB Eli Manning; The Defense; RB...uh, pick one and cross your fingers.

YEE-HAW YIPPEE-KI-YAY
With Adam "Dig Dug" Jones on board (we aren't supposed to call him Pac-Man anymore) the Cowboys look...well they look about as good as they did last year, a team with double-digit wins and no brains. They were the most talented team in the NFC and possibly the second-most talented team in the league, yet they ran into the same problem as the Cheats...out-muscled and out-gutted by a focused unit. The core remains the same. Is Tony Romo a real championship franchise QB or is he just the next Jim Everett? Who knows? Who cares? All we know is that the Cowboys will definitely be the most entertaining franchise in the NFL again...well, off the field at least. If nothing else, T.O. will probably say something totally off the wall by week 8. Probably about Jessica Simpson.
Fantasy Focus: Pretty much the entire starting offense.

THE MOST RACIST TEAM NAME IN ALL OF SPORTS
Nothing excites us about them this year. Or any year. Seriously. If they didn't have Clinton Portis we would have no non-Fantasy knowledge of this team at all. F*** Washington, for as long as they have this nickname and five years afterwards. Chiefs? They suck, but the name's fine. Indians? Okay, pretty bad. Braves? Actually almost dignified. Redskins? No, sorry, that's f***ing stupid, Mr. Grand Wizard. This isn't about being a PC pussy, this is about a bad name. If American Indians made up 80% of NFL rosters or bought noticeable amounts of season tickets, or if the USA actually gave a s***, you bet your ass this would be a real issue, too. Hey, that new NBA team in Oklahoma City needs a name, and there's a lot of black guys on the team, should we call them the Blackskins? Yeah, f*** you, Washington. The last useful thing to come out of that franchise was Champ Bailey. Can we get an Amen?
Fantasy Focus: RB Clinton Portis (duh); K Shaun Suisham

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Every year sportswriters either underestimate the Eagles or grossly overestimate them. "Hey, they might win it all!" "The Eagles stink!" And however the majority opinion leans, the Eagles will go the opposite way and either pleasantly surprise or catastrophically disappoint. We're sick of it, and we're going the safe route: 8-8. That's right Eagles, let's see you turn that table. 8 Wins and 8 Losses? They'll find a way to make it 8 Losses and 8 Wins. We're on to you, Eagles. We like Donovan McNabb a bit. He's still an underrated quarterback, but then again, Donovan never gives anyone a real reason to think he's more than that, does he? Hey, Bernie Kosar was "underrated" too. You know why? He never won a Super Bowl either.
Fantasy Focus: K David Akers; RB Brian Westbrook (as usual.)

LPP's Predicted Standings:
DALLAS COWBOYS: 13-3
NEW YORK GIANTS: 11-5
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: 8-8
WASHINGTON REDSKINS: 7-9

NFC NORTH:
JILTED EX-WIVES
The Packers aren't going to the NFC title game this year, but they aren't going to wither up into pushovers, either. Maybe Brett Favre was BRETT FAVRE, but as good as he could be he was also a wild-armed chucker at times, as the team discovered two weeks before the Giants showed up to the Super Bowl. Favre just happened to be good in (almost) all the right spots last year. Well, you don't get those kind of opportunities without your team hitting all the spots, do you? The Packers have as good a chance as anyone to make some noise, the problem is, they don't have the horses to do anything but surprise a few teams before January. Luckily, their division stinks worse than a moldy old Provolone loaf and they're in prime position to rack up double-digits in the W column. Will Aaron Rodgers be able to pick up where Favre left off? Hmm...probably not, but even if Aaron Rodgers is only half as good as Favre it makes him twice as good as Jon Kitna. Well, guess who's the next best QB in the NFC North? Exactly.
Fantasy Focus: QB Aaron Rodgers; WRs Donald Driver and Greg Jennings; RB Ryan Grant; K Mason Crosby

THE PURPLE APOSTLES
As one of our favorite websites has implied, Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson is the most dangerous man in the division, maybe all of football. The kid is capable of breaking all sorts of records. 2000+ yards? No sweat. 30 TDs? Why not? 3000 all-purpose yards? Just watch him. Unless he gets hurt...and he doesn't seem too durable. So let's not start praying at the altar just yet. Unfortunately, despite having Purple Jeebus and a tough defense, the Vikings are quarterbacked by one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men you see outside of tire shops and Fuddruckers and their receiving corps is less reliable than bootleg Chinese jet fighter parts. Maybe John David Booty will get some playing time, if for nothing else than getting some Booty out there on the field. This is a one-man show in the classic mold of the old Barry Sanders Lions or the Eric Dickerson Colts. Poor Adrian.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense; RB Adrian Peterson; RB Chester Taylor (late round, just to be safe)

POLISH SAUSAGE
Bears...Bulls...Ditka...Bears...oh, sorry, just dozing there. The Bears have turned a Super Bowl threat into "what the **** happened?" in the space of less than two years. That's Al Davis-level impressive. If it wasn't for the Soldier Field advantage and a weak schedule, they'd look even worse--but at least they'd have better draft picks. 7-9 doesn't really seem that bad if you're, say, a Falcons fan, but in Chicago with a division that weak...you may as well be dancing on George Halas's grave. Brian Urlacher commented during the Brett Favre saga that Chicago didn't need him at QB...which is a sure indication that Urlacher's taken more punishment to the brain than anyone realizes. Sexy Rexy Grossman and Cowboy Kyle Orton are the current options under center. Frankly, if we were Chicago fans we'd be wondering when the team will be going to the infamous A-11 setup so they can get two bad QBs on the field at the same time to possibly equal one mediocre QB. It's going to be a long season, but if injuries shake up Green Bay and Minnesota, Chicago could back into the playoffs if they can muster up even a 9-7 finish.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, but don't expect what they did two years ago. Not much, unless you want a kicker, than K Robbie Gould is reasonable.

DELTA CITY
As much as we bag on Shanahan and Denver management, we do remember to thank the Football Jesus (the one who doesn't play in Minnesota) each and every seasonal Sunday for making sure Matt Millen isn't "running" the Broncos. The nicest thing we can say about Lions management is at least they haven't changed the uniforms. Their commitment to crapulence is stunningly consistent...by God they've been running the team this way since before Barry Sanders realized he was playing in a no-win situation and by God they'll run it that way until the city of Detroit unleashes RoboCop on them. Their defense can't stop the run and their offense more or less consists of "go long." Jon Kitna, as we stated, is the second-best QB in this division and that pretty much sums up how bad the Lions really have it. With this schedule and this weak sauce division, incredibly the Lions do have a chance to get that overdue 10-win season Kitna blabbed about before the team flushed itself last season. But they won't. The worst thing about all this is...they stomped Denver's guts out last season. Man, did that ever suck. But then, that's how far we'd fallen, so hey...
Fantasy Focus: Amazingly enough, The Defense, because they overplay receivers and get picks from bad QBs (in this division, that's at least 4 games); every starting WR; K Jason Hanson

LPP's Predicted Standings:
GREEN BAY PACKERS: 10-6
MINNESOTA VIKINGS: 9-7
DETROIT LIONS: 7-9
CHICAGO BEARS: 6-10


We'll be back with the rest of the NFC sooner or later, or maybe we'll do the AFC East and North next. Who knows? Depends on how our meds kick in. Until then, we wish we could predict that someone would...


LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Nothing Better To Do...

Still in search of Jake, we found the above.

It's a slow day at work, slow enough for me to have been violated and offended by a Raider fan via AOL's Instant Messenger. I paste the message for your pleasure:

Mxxxxz, Hector says:
so i see that you guys will be 1 thug down for the monday night opener.....LOL

Of course Hector was referring to Brandon Marshall. It's frustrating. I was looking forward to that opening game on Monday night. I'm afraid for our Broncos, I'm afraid for Jay. Who will he throw the ball to? Maybe he ought to just run all game, see if he can break some kind of QB rushing record. Then I see Jay commenting on how much he loves Brandon and supports him.

To quote, Jay says: "Brandon is not a bad guy, at all, he's a good guy."

When of course at the beginning of the summer Jay said "Yeah, he's not my favorite person right now. I mean, I support him, but it's always something with him right now."

Sounds a bit WISHY WASHY Jay. Do you support him? Is he not your favorite person? Hope your not so indecisive Monday September 8th.

One More Bronco In The Hall Of Fame Makes, Uh...Two

Gary Zimmerman aka the "Technician," who was on the NFL's All-Decade team for two different decades, is now the second player who associates himself mostly with the Denver Broncos to make it into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Gary was part of the Broncos' stacked offensive line right up to the first championship in 1997. Although Zimmerman spent the bulk of his career with the Vikings, the Vikings had inept ownership and basically sucked while he was there and the Broncos had John Elway and won a Super Bowl. Who would you rather represent? Exactly. Congratulations to one of the best offensive linemen ever.

As the linked article states, there are other guys in the Hall of Fame who played for Denver, but they mostly made their marks elsewhere. That may change if Rod Smith gets in (Art Monk just got in with similar numbers--over more years--and one fewer Super Bowl ring, so there's hope right there) and Shannon Sharpe will be up soon. Champ Bailey and Tom Nalen are possibilities too. And then there's Terrell.

Terrell Davis is a longshot even though he crushes the numbers of Gale Sayers, who played roughly the same length of time and never won a title. Yet Sayers is given legend status, the Sandy Koufax of the NFL (although Koufax was more dominant in his sport) and even made the All-Century team. Not to put down Sayers, he's a college legend and was one of the best RB's of his era. But the Sporting News ranked him #21 all time in the NFL...among all players, not just RBs. That's just ludicrous; even Gale Sayers wouldn't rank himself that high. Not above players like Earl Campbell, Ronnie Lott, Dan Marino, and O.J. Simpson. The real reason for this, of course, is sentmentality. Besides the whole "Brian's Song" thing, the Bears of the George Halas era are put on that pedestal next to the Vince Lombardi Packers, the Chuck Noll Steelers, the Bill Walsh 49er's, and the Tom Landry Cowboys as one of "Those Teams." The fact that Gale Sayers came and went within only a handful of years added to the legend at a time when the NFL did not yet dominate the sports world, when TV wasn't the primary source of news and full of microscoped highlights, and when sportswriters for powerful newspapers in New York, Boston--and oh yeah, Chicago--were the ones fashioning sports legends in the minds of America. Terrell could never be canonized like that. Since the ESPN era began, few people could--maybe only Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods became larger than life and more than human. If Terrell had played for, say the New York Giants of the 1950's, he might have been bigger than Jim Brown. But he played for Denver, a city which even after 6 Super Bowl appearances, 2 NFL titles, the 2007 National League Champions, and a Stanley Cup, still finds itself regarded as a second- or even third-tier sports town in terms of national recognition and importance.

But this is about Terrell. Since we wouldn't take Sayers out of the Hall, where does that leave TD? Terrell, with 65 overall TDs, 7607 rushing yards, and two championships in essentially five full seasons (78 total games) is apparently going to be "one of those guys" who is left out in the cold until the voters wise up. This is not to take away from Gale Sayers. He was a great player and by all accounts, a really good guy. But where's the love for Terrell, who was just as great if not far better?

Anyway, that's where we stand on the Hall of Fame thing. LPP himself was going to write up a glowing love letter to Ed McCaffrey, but he's lazy and seriously, it kind of strikes the rest of us as, well...let's just say it's in the realm of Patriots fans who think Wes Welker is just fackin' dynamite but Randy Moss couldn't have done what he did last year without Brady feeding him perfect passes. Personally, I like McCaffrey too but calm down, bro. "I love you Eddie Mac"? Geez.

Can B-Marsh Tie His Own Shoes Without Incident?

"Aw, double hamburgers."

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According to various news sources, Brandon Marshall went to New York to discuss his conduct with Commissioner Goodell last week. No word on whether or not the two men took turns setting up the couch cushions in front of the TV to construct a makeshift wrestling ring but interestingly enough, besides Marshall's lawyer it sounds like Rod Smith went along to plead against a suspension. Either that or Rod was just there to keep B-Marsh from downing a fifth of Cuervo in the car and breaking his ankle on a Snickers wrapper while crossing the street.

Look, I want the Broncos to win too, but three arrests including a DUI? Send the asshole a message before B-Marsh thinks he can get away with anything and pulls a Leonard Little.

Rod also announced his retirement today, which we already thought he'd done, but much respect for Rod anyway. He should be in the Hall of Fame, but the voters are a little stupid sometimes. We'll see. Hopefully the Broncos give Rod something more important to do than babysit their dumbest player.

Something We Didn't Write

The Mile High Report has just posted up the latest in its series of Broncos season previews. The newest one's about Pumpkin Pie. It's really long, which is funny for something we didn't write ourselves. But here's a few excerpts with our comments added:

"In Cutler We Trust, and we should. While Cutler didn't have to take over the Broncos immediately after John Elway, he did take over as the starting quarterback under controversial circumstances, circumstances that divided the fanbase and still has some fans thinking it was the reason the team didn't make the playoffs in 2006." Thinking? Um...it was the actual reason.

"The Broncos, or any intelligent team for that matter, would never say rebuilding. Draft a young QB, however, and there are going to be growing pains. It has been no different for the Broncos, who enter 2008 with a losing record in games started by Cutler(9-12)." Maybe Shanahan and Bowlen should have said 'rebuilding' instead of posturing and trying to pretend to season ticket holders that they had a contender on their hands.

"That is a testament to the rest of the roster, more than of Cutler, and while he has made the mistakes young players make I think we have seen enough flashes of brilliance to know that if the Shadow of #7 was ever going to shorten a bit, #6 is the man to do it. Diabetes be damned." We agree, but can we make sure Shanahan's actually improved the rest of that game plan first? Their best receiver has a Bengal-esque police blotter and a ten-cent head. Their most experienced running back was cut because he's brainless. The offensive line has been first slowly, then (mid-2006) rapidly declining since 2005. Three years, three defensive coordinators. What we're saying is, please, Broncos...don't let poor Pumpkin Pie get smushed back there.

"Now we start taking steps forward. Heading into year 3, his second as the full-time starter, Jay Cutler is primed for big things. With his health under control, as well as much of the offense around him, Cutler is ready to take that next step towards the upper echelon of quarterbacks in the NFL. " Again, how under control is that offense? We'll believe it when we believe it.

Either way, Go Broncos. We'd like to be optimistic but it's just not our nature. Except regarding THE DARK KNIGHT, which we knew would be awesome and of course we were proven correct. Go ahead and hop on over to the Mile High Report and check out the rest of their sunny-side-up Season Preview. (We prefer MHR to the "official" Broncos site because Mile High Report never fired Andrew Mason.) We'll cross our fingers and maybe even get into a game at Mile High this year. Tickets are an expensive and difficult bitch to obtain when you're broke and supporting a massive cocaine and gummi bears (it's called freebearsing) habit, but we do what we can here at...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!