Pumpkin Pie no more?!?!?!

"Hello, ladies...who wants a big ol' slice of Sex Pie?"

Yes, dear readers, that is not a Photoshopped image you see above. Who is that suave, Baldwin-esque GQ model flashing the pearly whites and a $30,000 Rolex? It's Pumpkin Pie himself...Jay Cutler! Kissing Suzy Kolber ran an update today that linked to this website. Who knew what a difference a damn haircut (and maybe, just maybe, a little neck tuck) could make?

Hate to say it Broncos fans, but maybe getting out of Denver and into a real urban environment like Chicago actually was a good thing for the guy. Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, Denver's cleaner, better place to live, less crime, high standard of living...fine. We can certainly appreciate life in a slightly quieter city, but let's face it, Frank Sinatra didn't sing no songs about Denver. Besides, if you need any more proof that Jay Cutler's personal life has already changed for the better, let us produce Exhibit B:

We rest our case. Thank you and goodnight.

Pumpkin Pie says Denver fans suck

Jay Cutler wants the world to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, Broncos fans are a "6" and Bears fans are a "9".

Just so you know, John Elway gives Broncos fans a "10".

Brian Griese gives them a "4".

And Jake Plummer?




Uh, Jake says Broncos fans are number one!

Jay Cutler is a Bear. Seriously.

Sure it was possible. We still didn't think it would be the freakin' Bears.

Once again, we come to the end of a very short era in Denver Broncos quarterback history. Jay Cutler, our oft-maligned, sometimes beloved Pumpkin Pie, is gone baby gone.

Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears this afternoon along with a fifth-round pick for occasional Bears starter Kyle Orton (he of the magnificent neckbeard) a third round pick in 2008, and the Bears' two first rounders in 2009 and 2010.

PUMPKIN PIE IS GONE.

We here at LPP haven't let this one settle yet, but let's break it down:

-We've been saying lately that we'd follow Pumpkin Pie wherever he may go and support his new team fully. At that time, we didn't really think that destination would be Chicago. While Jay Cutler is instantly our all-time favorite Chicago Bears player (replacing, um...Jim McMahon? Walter Payton? Ditka? Brian Griese?) We've never given more than a passing fart about Chicago and don't look to start now. Check back in a month or two.

-As much as we've felt that the Broncos and Josh McDaniels looked like idiots for mishandling Cutler's ego, this deal makes mild sense because while Orton isn't a great QB, B-Marsh, Eddie Royal, and Tony Scheffler are about to at least make him look like a decent QB and those draft picks...well, the Bears look like a middle-of-the-road team with or without Jay, so picking around #15 two years in a row is a heck of a deal. Can't wait for one of those picks to be used to select the next QB who gets to follow Jay, Jake Plummer, and Brian Griese as the star of Denver's ongoing reality series "I'M NOT JOHN ELWAY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

-Congratulations on getting Orton by the way, Plummer haters and Cutler turncoats. In 6 years, Denver has gone from Brian Griese to a guy who occasionally couldn't beat out Brian Griese. Good luck with that, since all you Elway worshippers were so kind to Griese while you were chanting "WE WANT PLUMMER" back in 2002.

-How could we have been so right? Our words, 2007: "Can’t you just picture Pumpkin Pie getting run out of town Griese- or Plummer-style in 3 years and then catching on to another team that will probably know how to use him?" The Bears may not be that team, but Cutler gets to hand-pick his next city, doesn't he?

The city of Denver still expects Elway every time the ball is snapped. Many will cry: "We have the right to expect greatness! Don't we get to hope that someone will live up to Elway's standard?" Of course you do. But the kind of Broncos fan we DON'T like is the one who arbitraily decides that "THIS KID" (Griese '99, Jake '02, Jay '06) is going to be the savior, at which time "THAT GUY" (Bubby Brister '99, Griese '02, Jake '06 and now Jay '09) is considered tainted goods that need to be disposed of before they can taint the new Elway 2.0.

Well you get what you ask for, Denver fans. Suddenly Jay Cutler wasn't the sweet little Pumpkin Pie you expected, who kept his mouth shut, kissed babies, thanked Jesus, and aw-shucksed his way into the heart of the city like a certain #7 did. Did Elway win more games? Sure. He also had a coach who understood what a f***ing defense was without needing flash cards and a copy of "NFL Defense for Dummies, and when he didn't he at least had the best teammates that illegal salary cap violations could buy.

Jay Cutler is no John Elway. Fine. That's fair. But like Jake and Griese before him, he wasn't given a fair chance to prove that Denver didn't NEED a John Elway to succeed in the 21st century. With Shanahan's archaic offenses and non-existent defenses out of the picture, it was time for Jay Cutler to get an offense and defense built from the ground up by a new coach with new ideas.

Well, forget that.

Now Jay's in Chicago and the Broncos get a wonderful choice at QB...do they play Kyle Orton, who often wasn't good enough to beat out Brian Griese--the first guy they ran out of town? Or do they play Chris Simms, who inspired so little confidence in Tampa Bay that the Fake Raiders tried to acquire Jake Plummer--the second guy they ran out of town? Oooooh, it's so hard to choose!

It's been a rough ride for Broncos fans these past few years, but we're going to go ahead and say that a lot of this ill will falls squarely on the shoulders of the fans, especially in the internet age where the world will damn well know how every single person with an internet connection feels about EVERYTHING. You wanted Griese? You got him. You wanted Jake? You got him. You wanted Cutler? You got him. Well what the hell did you want this time Denver? Whatever it is, you've got it.

What this all boils down to is that the Broncos should have...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Pumpkin Pie Wants Out

"Thanks for nothing, dickweeds."

Well, there it is. Jay Cutler is asking to be traded.

It's becoming apparent that this is now an organizational failure--and here we thought it was just Shanahan. The Broncos are now in danger of becoming the Raiders of the Rockies.

Maybe Jay overreacted to the trade attempts. After all, this is a business and players are just highly paid contract employees when you get right down to it. However, the Broncos organization--starting with the new coach and up to ownership--just dropped the ball altogether with their "quarterback of the future" going all the way back to the initial QB controversy with Jake "The Snake" Plummer in 2006. Right then and there Jay Cutler learned that a quarterback's success didn't mean a damn thing if the head coach got a hair up his butt over a short stretch. Shanahan saw the Broncos struggling and replaced Jake Plummer despite the highest winning percentage of any QB in Broncos history. Cutler may have been happy to step in and play right away, but he surely memorized how the Broncos organization pulled the rug out from under Plummer. Within mere weeks, Jake went from the second-best quarterback in Broncos history to scorned splinter jockey and there's no way that Jay Cutler isn't imagining the same scenario materializing around him.

So what is it, Denver? Jake gave you wins, but apparently that wasn't enough--you (and I mean the team AND all the fans who bashed Jake) wanted big numbers. So here comes Jay, who puts up big numbers, but now we don't have as many wins. You get what you ask for, Broncos fans.

We don't blame Jay for not getting to the playoffs--the team around him has more holes than Hot Shots Golf. We don't blame Jake for not putting up big numbers--that wasn't his style and he got wins, not to mention Jake's rosters were far, far, far from being the Elway Juggernauts of the late 90's.

Something insane has happened here at LPP. We're actually siding with Jay Cutler here, and it's not against the coach or replacement QB, like it was with Jake. This kind of shitty treatment is actually putting us at odds with THE TEAM. It's a weird feeling. Many of our fellow fans might say "Good. We don't need you. F off." We feel the sorriest for you poor suckers. You don't own a piece of the Broncos, you don't get raises at work if they finish over .500, and you don't get rings if they win the Super Bowl. This ain't Green Bay. The Broncos, beloved as they are, are a product, and we have the right to be dissatisfied with the product. If Coke changes the formula, you switch to Pepsi. If the Broncos decide they no longer want to be a class organization dedicated to winning, we may go find one that is--or at least one that may be in a short time. We won't be jumping on a Steelers or Giants bandwagon, thanks much.

Ahh, Jay Cutler. We've come so far from the days of tossing insults your way (well, LPP himself is still a bit of an asshole, but...) We've got your back, Pumpkin Pie. Jake is still #1 in our hearts, but if the Broncos are going to treat yet another quarterback like shit because he's not John Elway (or incredibly enough, NOT MATT CASSEL? JESUS CHRIST!) we are going to champion that QB's cause.

You've fallen victim to the Curse of Elway. We support all who fall under that sickly, stupid plague. Whatever has happened in the past is the past. Where you go, we follow, Jay. Even if the site remains...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Do You Think Jay Is Sick Of Denver?

Artist's depiction.

Lest we think that Jay Cutler is starting to calm down about the recent trade talk fiasco, ESPN is reporting that Jay just put up his $2 million Colorado Pumpkin Palace for sale. No big deal, you say? Well, his parents have a house a few minutes up the road, and they're selling too!

Thanks a lot, Broncos. You've found a new way to run a quarterback out of town. It figures that once we accepted Jake's retirement and tried to get behind Jay that something like this would go down.

JOHN ELWAY IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR. ACCEPT IT AND DEAL WITH IT, BRONCOS.

Maybe the next time they have a QB who puts together a franchise-best career winning percentage--or a QB who puts up good numbers despite being young and "supported" by a terrible, terrible offensive line and non-existent defense--the Broncos won't point fingers and try fix one of the pieces that isn't broken after a failed season. But this theory assumes that the Broncos are truly capable of learning from mistakes, and their recent track record is pretty spotty, including the fact that they didn't...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Something We Didn't Write

The Mile High Report has just posted up the latest in its series of Broncos season previews. The newest one's about Pumpkin Pie. It's really long, which is funny for something we didn't write ourselves. But here's a few excerpts with our comments added:

"In Cutler We Trust, and we should. While Cutler didn't have to take over the Broncos immediately after John Elway, he did take over as the starting quarterback under controversial circumstances, circumstances that divided the fanbase and still has some fans thinking it was the reason the team didn't make the playoffs in 2006." Thinking? Um...it was the actual reason.

"The Broncos, or any intelligent team for that matter, would never say rebuilding. Draft a young QB, however, and there are going to be growing pains. It has been no different for the Broncos, who enter 2008 with a losing record in games started by Cutler(9-12)." Maybe Shanahan and Bowlen should have said 'rebuilding' instead of posturing and trying to pretend to season ticket holders that they had a contender on their hands.

"That is a testament to the rest of the roster, more than of Cutler, and while he has made the mistakes young players make I think we have seen enough flashes of brilliance to know that if the Shadow of #7 was ever going to shorten a bit, #6 is the man to do it. Diabetes be damned." We agree, but can we make sure Shanahan's actually improved the rest of that game plan first? Their best receiver has a Bengal-esque police blotter and a ten-cent head. Their most experienced running back was cut because he's brainless. The offensive line has been first slowly, then (mid-2006) rapidly declining since 2005. Three years, three defensive coordinators. What we're saying is, please, Broncos...don't let poor Pumpkin Pie get smushed back there.

"Now we start taking steps forward. Heading into year 3, his second as the full-time starter, Jay Cutler is primed for big things. With his health under control, as well as much of the offense around him, Cutler is ready to take that next step towards the upper echelon of quarterbacks in the NFL. " Again, how under control is that offense? We'll believe it when we believe it.

Either way, Go Broncos. We'd like to be optimistic but it's just not our nature. Except regarding THE DARK KNIGHT, which we knew would be awesome and of course we were proven correct. Go ahead and hop on over to the Mile High Report and check out the rest of their sunny-side-up Season Preview. (We prefer MHR to the "official" Broncos site because Mile High Report never fired Andrew Mason.) We'll cross our fingers and maybe even get into a game at Mile High this year. Tickets are an expensive and difficult bitch to obtain when you're broke and supporting a massive cocaine and gummi bears (it's called freebearsing) habit, but we do what we can here at...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!

A dream date with Pumpkin Pie

"Please ref, blow a whistle! BLOW THE DAMN WHISTLE! HELP!"

-

Apparently someone over at Fox Sports thinks Jay Cutler needs a woman. At the bottom of his recent column, John Czarnecki writes:

"I am hoping that Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler has a significant other. Now, that he has been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes he needs someone looking after him.

My wife has had diabetes for the past 25 years and it is a strange disease in that low blood sugar can cause a diabetic to act erratically. There is nothing scarier than watching a diabetic go into insulin shock, putting the patient one step closer to a coma."

Geez, way to make Cutler feel better about this, John. I'm sure it's a genuine sentiment, but Jay's likely thought long and hard about things like insulin shock and (as the writer later mentions) limb amputation. Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend (or does he?) but he does have a family, friends, and an entire football franchise to make sure he doesn't suddenly decide to throw out his insulin and hit Krispy Kreme with a flask of Jim Beam.

With that in mind, we wonder if Jay's found that special woman yet. Are you that special woman? Are you that sexy turkey dinner that won't be complete without a big ol' slice of Pumpkin Pie? Send us an email or drop a comment and tell us why you would be the perfect girl for Jay. Don't worry, we'll accept comments from gay men (or straight men who are just a teeny bit gay for Jay) as well. We're a very progressive blog here.

We can't guarantee you a date with Jay, but we can at least guarantee to spread your words of love all over this web page.

Oh, and if you love Jake Plummer even better! Wait, what a silly thing to say..."if you love Jake"...what were we thinking? Everyone should love Jake Plummer. Only fools do not!

Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie

Well, here's some news we can't really make fun of--Jay Cutler has apparently been diagnosed with Type-1 Diabetes. If you're too lazy to click the Wikipedia link, Type 1 is generally pretty dangerous and can cause a boatload of health problems if untreated. Luckily, it looks like doctors caught it before anything bad happened and Jay apparently just needs regular insulin shots and a healthy diet. As a millionaire professional athlete with access to the best doctors, trainers, and dieticians in North America, Jay should be A-OK as long as he sticks to his regimen. No more getting hammered though, guy. Diabetics can really mess themselves up on the sauce.

Anyway good luck Jay. You've joined a large and fruitful group of diabetic celebrities like Halle Berry, Ty Cobb, Ernest Hemingway, Mikhael Gorbachev, George Lucas, Sugar Ray Robinson (boy, that one's ironic,) Anwar Sadat, Elvis Presley, James Brown, Rick James, and yes, Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. We're sure you'll stick to your treatments and live a very long time.

Just don't use the blood tester on your throwing hand.

Pumpkin Pie does it for the childrens

"You're THAT Bubblegum Tate?"

Despite the name of the site and our allegiance to Jake the Snake, let's be honest here. Jay Cutler is our favorite NFL pastry. Pumpkin Pie continues to enhance his image in our book. Firstly, he's teamed up with the World Famous Harlem Globetrotters (as seen above) to entertain 100 needy childrens from the Pumpkin Pie Foun--uh, we mean Jay Cutler Foundation.

Also as seen above he has not yet cut his hair but we're still crossing our fingers.

He's also helping another child, a famous one--Broncos teammate Brandon Marshall, whose talent and recent off-field exploits are bringing to mind a young Dennis Rodman. After the DUI, the Darrent Williams incident, and now shredding his arm on a broken television (and you have to have some serious momentum to break a TV screen...we tried shattering a monitor with a hammer back when we were stupid kids and it took more effort than you'd assume) Pumpkin Pie essentially said on the record that Brandon needed to stop acting like a dumbshit 15-year-old and start acting like a full-grown professional (not the Pacman Jones kind, either.) He then went on to display some interesting Q-Buds (the precursor to true Q-Balls) by stopping just short of calling out his front office and owner for their recent human resources shenanigans.

"This year, the third year, it's definitely time," Cutler said. "As the quarterback of this team and the leader of the offense I think I should go ahead and take that next step." -- "It's been three years. Obviously my coach isn't going to lead anything but a conga line at this point in his career."

Cutler even felt emboldened enough to make light of Broncos owner Pat Bowlen's recent cry of poverty, NFL style, joking that he had to go out and purchase his own helmet a couple of days ago. -- "It's really too bad the NFL isn't making BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars. I wouldn't want Pat to have to sell one of his private jets or boats."

Although the team hasn't been a big player in the free-agent market this offseason, Cutler said he had faith the Broncos would be competitive. "I think we still need some weapons, but that's not my job. I'm the quarterback and I get the ball and try and get us some touchdowns," Cutler said. -- "Hint, hint coach...give me something better to work with--or better yet just give me SOMETHING to work with."

The quarterback wasn't happy that the Broncos failed to re-sign veteran kicker Jason Elam. "I am a little worried about that," he said. "He's one of the best clutch kickers in the game. Having been here for that long, I was surprised to see them let him go." -- "Great, so apparently the guy responsible for half of my scoring drives and half our wins was expendable? Wonderful. I didn't realize I was still at Vanderbilt."

Thank God Pumpkin Pie got a real education from a real university. Some football-factory quarterback from Texas, USC, or Michigan might not have been properly prepared to face the intellectual chaos we've got here in Denver. Jay has apparently rationalized that his coach and owner are officially tuned out and the only way anything positive is going to happen on the field at Mile High is if the team's best players man-up and act like leaders. Unfortunately, since the other two best players on the offense are B-Marsh and Travis Henry, it's going to have to be a one-Pie show for the time being.

Maybe Jay is up to the task, maybe he's not. But it's a damn positive sign that he's publicly speaking his mind and taking charge. It may not be enough to get the Broncos back in the playoffs this year, but at least they won't be mailing in games like the Dolphins or Rams. That alone might be worth an extra win or two.

An extra win or two could make the difference in a playoff push, by gum. A sneak into the playoffs would almost make up for the severe lack of Jake Plummer in the NFL. But we still hold out hope that the Snake will strap on the pads one last time and someone will...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

(Well, okay. We really don't think that's going to happen. Even Jon Gruden seems to have given up. But stranger things have happened, and hey, Vinnie Testaverde was like 1,000 years old last year. We can wait.)

We strangled the kitten anyway.

No, of course we didn't kill Mr. Pumpkins. The Broncos won as predicted (and by God, expected) over the utterly pathetic Chiefs. A win is a win, and we give a hearty Mile High salute to the Broncos and to the man himself...Pumpkin Pie definitely had his way with the hapless Chief defenders and we rate his performance a solid 4:

That's right, FOUR PIES. Jay, keep slinging up these multi-Pie performances and who knows? Maybe you can get the Broncos going in spite of Shanahan. We'd hate to see Mike get saved like Doc Rivers is getting bailed out by Kevin Garnett over in Boston, but hey, whatever keeps Denver from sucking, right?

If they lose this game, we'll strangle a baby kitten.

Jay's actual happy place will likely be Invesco Field this weekend. Not to be overly optimistic, but given their current problems, the Chiefs are definitely in the running for the worst team in the NFL. Yes, their record says otherwise (sort of) but we'd take any team over KC right now, especially on the road and even more especially in a game-changing venue like Mile High. Yes, even Miami.

So the Broncos get a breather against a bad team. Granted, Chicago and Oakland were pretty bad too, and those games didn't turn out so well...but the week 14 edition of KC is in a different class of bad. Hopefully this will not only be a victory but a confidence builder.

They'll need every edge possible to survive the upcoming road games in Houston and San Diego.

One thing is certain: they can't finish any better than last year's 9-7 record, and in 2006, 9-7 wasn't good enough to make the playoffs. Jacksonville looks to have Wild Card #1 wrapped up. That means it's mostly down to Cleveland, Tennessee, and Buffalo for the last spot, with Houston and yes, Denver still possibilities sitting in serious holes.

Playoffs? Playoffs??? With this schedule, Denver was supposed to challenge for the AFC West this year. Now we're just trying to finish .500!

Right now, we're about as good as Oakland. Take a long look at both rosters and tell us what's really so different about them. Is that where we want to be?

Wow. Did we really just say that?

RAIDERS DEVOUR PUMPKIN PIE

Unbelievable. The Raiders. THE RAIDERS. Who can doubt us now? Who can call us WRONG???

Oh, did someone mumble something about Jake Plummer? We love the Snake, but before you brave anonymous posters start calling us out again as simple-minded Jake boosters, let's remember: we've been pointing fingers at Shanahan since BEFORE he benched Jake. This isn't about the second-greatest QB in Broncos history, this is about THE BRONCOS. They STINK.

This team, from rosters to coaches was hand-picked by MIKE SHANAHAN. Don't whip out the "young team" excuse. This is essentially the same team from last year that went 9-7 and missed the playoffs on the last day of the season...oh, wait, we added guys like Bly and Big Baby Daddy who were supposed to IMPROVE us behind a "maturing" Jay Cutler. Well, poor Pumpkin Pie is not going to learn anything from Mike Shanahan except how to blame other people for mistakes. Shanahan has officially entered the downturn of his career and unfortunately, people are still too blinded by his "legendary" reputation to notice that the last nine years of Denver football haven't been "legendary," they've been ADEQUATE...and now it's gone from "adequate" to "pathetic."

We like Pumpkin Pie, but we fear for his development in the chaotic atmosphere Shanahan has created. Before he ruins yet ANOTHER young QB, it's time to put the old horse out to pasture. Mike Shanahan lost his edge a LONG time before refusing to...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!