SHANACANNED

Well, maybe we should just shut down now. He's fired. Fired! Mike Shanahan is gone, baby, gone after the Broncos embarrassed themselves, the city of Denver, and fans around the world by crapping the bed against the Chargers in a must-win situation they had several opportunities to avoid.

Now don't get all whiny on us and say "oh, who better can they get now, LPP?" Better than what? The glory days of Elway and Terrell were long behind Shanny. Long, long, long. Sure, he's had moderate success since then, and while it's notable in a league where perennial powerhouse like Oakland or Miami can hit the skids for years at a time, "moderate success" is not enough for fans with any sense of pride or hope. The ten-year rebuilding plan is over. Shanahan failed. And if the next coach isn't as successful, well guess what? At least ownership is TRYING instead of putting the entire franchise on Jay Cutler's shoulders and praying for Elway-esque miracles like Shanahan seemed to be doing this year.

Pat Bowlen finally sees what we've been seeing for almost 3 years. At best...BEST...Cutler might have been able to do what Elway did in the early days, dragging a team into the playoffs with little name-brand help. But one man can't win a Super Bowl by himself, and those old Broncos runners-up always had Dan Reeves' solid defenses to keep the score within Elway's range. Shanahan's defenses have ranged from solid in the good years to absolutely horrific in the lean years. And these recent years have been LEAN.

We respect that Shanny was able to ride coattails to back-to-back championships without getting in the powerhouse roster's way. We respect that he never let the Broncos turn into a complete 1-15 type of joke during his tenure. We even respect that he inserted and then stood by Jay Cutler as the #1 QB...even though he did it about six months sooner than he should have. But 1998 was a LONG time ago. The old dog's tricks aren't cutting it anymore. We don't feel sorry for Shanny. He can have a job tomorrow if he wanted, in Cleveland or Cincinnati or St. Louis or even a playoff pretender like Arizona or (yes, even) San Diego. And he will be paid millions for it. The Broncos may suck next year but let's face it, with or without Shanny, a Super Bowl wasn't in the cards as they were currently dealt. A fresh start is needed if only to prove that Pat Bowlen cares enough to try.

We'll have more on this later on after we've digested it. We'd also like to direct you here, because we know this guy's ecstatic.

Thanks for the memories, Mike Shanahan, even the bad ones. However, after reviewing your performance, we regret to inform you that your services are no longer required.

And we didn't even really get into how you should have...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

The power of positive thinking

Lest everyone think we're total "neighsayers" (get it? GET IT?) who have turned on our beloved horsies, Let Plummer Play! presents...

The top 10 reasons why the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl this coming season:

10. Donald Rumsfeld (pictured above) will be signed as a lineman, as Shanahan assumes a guy who was Secretary of Defense should be able to play defense as well or better than the sorry squad did last year.

9. Money saved by getting rid of Andrew Mason, Jim Sundquist, the entire PR department, and Jason Elam can be used to bribe Shawne Merriman with 6,000 pounds of steroid-injected raw beef.

8. Jay Cutler will lose a bet in training camp and shave his signature Pumpkin Pie haircut. His field vision will increase by 60% with the horizontal bang line blocking the top of his sight removed and enable him to throw 40 touchdowns.

7. John Elway will be hired as general manager and motivate the entire roster by giving each player a free slightly-used Toyota Corolla.

6. We've sent Jake Plummer a really nice e-mail and he's agreed to lift the voodoo curse he cast upon the team the day Cutler was drafted. Of course, we also have to contact Brian Griese to find out what kind of hex he laid down back in '02.

5. New defensive coordinator Bob Slowik is actually the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi.

4. Shanahan will convince George W. Bush that Sadaam Hussein is actually still alive and living in the New England area.

3. Pat Bowlen has requisitioned 3 more feet of soil, and is renaming the stadium "Invesco Field at Mile and a Yard High" to increase the built-in home-field advantage.

2. Hoping that good things come in threes, Mike Shanahan has entered negotiations with Eli and Peyton Manning's older brother Cooper Manning to replace Javon Walker at wideout.

1. After the 0-3 start, four words: Head Coach Rod Smith.

Shanahan passes the buck again -or- Blaming the mailman for bringing your bills

Well, we were wondering who the scapegoat would be this year...and we thought it was just Jim Bates! However word around the ESPN campfire is that Mike Shanahan's Scapegoat Club now has another member. Batesy, Jake Plummer, Brian Griese, and Larry Coyer have been joined by yet another meaningless layer of the Broncos' decision onion..."GM" Ted Sundquist is now unemployed.

We'd like to congratulate the Broncos for taking steps to improve their management team. Perhaps next, instead of firing the yes-man who does the paperwork, maybe the person who was directly responsible for almost every Broncos personnel move for the last 10 years can get the boot. Mike Shanahan is and has always been the shot caller in Denver. Sundquist was just his gofer.

Shanahan: "I want Jake Plummer." Sundquist: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "I don't want Plummer anymore. Draft the best QB available." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Larry Coyer displeases me. I want to hire my buddy Jim." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Okay, my buddy Jim sucks. Lean on him to step down." Sunny: "Gun or crowbar, boss?"

And so on.

Mike Shanahan has been the man writing checks that his results can't cash. Ted Sundquist? He was just a gleefully willing Mr. Greenjeans the mailman, delivering Shanny's orders with little alteration. We aren't sad to see Sunny go, but for Jake's sakes, can we finally start blaming SHANAHAN for the team's failures???

WHO ELSE IS LEFT???

Unfortunate necessity

Because there are children out there who have way too much free time, letplummerplay.com will be switching to "registered users only" on our comments page.

We realize a few people may find this a waste of their time, but it's easier for us than having to clean up 500 posts by a confused little boy who struggles with his own sexuality and takes it out on others by calling them homophobic names. It's pretty easy to sign up for a blogger.com or Google account (and there are like 4 other ways to post, AOL/AIM accounts, LiveJournal, OpenID, etc...) so take 10 seconds out of your day and register so we can view your comments!

LET PLUMMER PLAY--BRIGHTENING YOUR DAY!!!

Okay that proved something

Boy, talk about us being wrong. Looks like we're only good at being right where Mike Shanahan's concerned.

Maybe we've underestimated Norv Turner, eh? His QB went down, his top RB went down, his star TE was hobbled, and the Chargers still knocked off the reigning champs in their own yard. Hey, that's more than Mike Shanahan's done this millennium, right? Please don't argue this point. Shanny's never done anything special in the playoffs with a damaged-goods roster, even a mildly-bruised one. He couldn't motivate an albino to get out of the sun. He's very much a point-and-click coach. Now, we couldn't tell you what kind of coach Norv Turner is ("bad" is usually the first thing that comes to mind.) But today Norv Turner (NORV TURNER!!!) did something Mike Shanahan could never do...topple Tony Dungy's Colts in a playoff game.

So, good for Norv.

Oh wait, screw you Norv, and screw the Chargers too. Screw the Patriots, while we're at it. And the people behind the DirecTV NFL monopoly. And the terrible announcers on ESPN Monday Night Football. And that horrific Tyler Perry "comedy" they keep showing commercials for when we're trying to watch basketball. And finally, screw hangovers.

What we're really trying to say is...

Somebody, please...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

More disappointing than Godfather 3 and the Matrix sequels. Combined.

That was just horrible. Nice Christmas present, Broncos. That game was mailed in like a sweepstakes entry. That game was slept through like a Latin class.

Not only did Pale Horseman get destroyed in his Fantasy Super Bowl by the San Diego defense's fumble recovery, four sacks, two picks, and general Bambi vs. Godzilla treatment of the Broncos, but he had to watch the Broncos suffer an even more humiliating defeat in real life! At least PH got the second place money for his troubles. All the Broncos got for Christmas was their two front teeth punched down their throats in an even bigger embarrassment than the 41-3 drubbing they took in Mile High. Yes, this loss was much worse than the last one. At least the first loss to the Chargers was a straight-up, mano-a-mano, ass-whupping. They were trying the first time back in October. That day, San Diego just tried a bit harder, ran a flawless game plan (how Norv managed that, we'll never know,) and ran all over the Broncos to a dominant victory.

Tonight, San Diego didn't even seem to be trying all that hard. The Broncos--John Lynch's uncharacteristic but probably very telling outburst aside--simply played like bored Pop Warner scrubs waiting to get their last paychecks and start their vacations. Is this what we agreed to as fans? Tonight the Broncos looked lazier than the New York Knicks after a turkey dinner. That's emergency time. Does anyone realize that if Shawne Merriman was still on his full roid regimen, there's a good chance that Pumpkin Pie would simply be a pile of crumbs right now?

Could the O-line have been any worse? (We shouldn't say that, there's still one game to go.) Poor Jay Cutler was running for his life half the game! We haven't seen desperate running like that since today at Target when the stock boy found an extra Nintendo Wii in the back. Do we have to say it again? That's not how you develop a quarterback--but it's a good way to wreck one.

If we see another performance like this in 2007, we hope that the performance also marks the final game of a certain coach--the man most Denver fans and media seem to consider "he who must not be blamed."

Oh, and Merry Christmas to the Plummer family!

ESPN did our update for us

(From ESPN.com)
"Somewhere, Jake Plummer Is Chortling: For years, TMQ has complained that the Houston Texans are dull. Thursday night against Denver, they seemed exciting -- it had to be that they were in all red! Or all Battle Red, as the Texans call that color. (Their other colors are officially Steel Blue and Liberty White, though the latter sure seems like Copy Paper White to me.) The red monochrome looked good on the Texans, and seemed to result in an uptick in their performance. Houston, ditch the moo-cow livery and keep the all red!

As for the Broncos, their coach -- whom the Denver team Web site calls "The Ultimate Leader" -- sure looks lost. Last year around Thanksgiving, Denver was 7-4 and held the inside track for a wild-card berth. But fans and football pundits kept complaining about Jake Plummer, and the Broncos had lost two straight, although they were close losses to San Diego and Kansas City, both power teams last season. Mike Shanahan decided to switch to Jay Cutler, and the Broncos are 8-11 since then, eliminated last season and now eliminated this season. Sure, there's more going on with that team beyond the quarterback switch, and sure Cutler has promise. But last year, Denver was a winner under Plummer, and since then, Denver has been a loser under Cutler. One suspects Plummer is off fly-fishing somewhere and having a good laugh about this."

Okay, ha-ha, very funny Mr. ESPN guy. That's totally not true. Jake isn't fly-fishing, he's playing handball. And there's a good chance he's not laughing. Everything else is true, though. Poor Pumpkin Pie. Is he going to be stuck under coach Norman Bates forever?

Well, no playoffs this year. That makes two years in a row for the first time in what seems like forever.

Run, Pumpkins, Run!!!

The game's not over yet, but we might as well start the rant...Gary Kubiak, Buckshot Rosenfels, and the Houston Texans are simply out-doing the Broncos on both sides of the ball. Despite some nice (but painfully one-dimensional) rapport between Pumpkin Pie and Brandon Marshall, the Horsies showed up looking nothing like the team that stomped all over KC last week. This is probably because Houston, unlike KC, isn't an injury-riddled stink-bomb of a team.

The O-line can't stop anyone, the D-line can't stop anyone, and so therefore, the Broncos can't stop anyone. Anyone ready to point fingers at the man who made this all possible yet? Anyone? We've officially gone backwards from last year, and that season was considered a bust.

Cutler looks good, but if you can't consistently block for him or stop the other team from putting up 20-30 points a game, then his development is rendered useless. Meanwhile all Larry Coyer (our former defensive coordinator) is doing over in Tampa Bay is helping them to be a top-3 defense. A lot of people want to blame Jim Bates for how bad the defense is doing. That's fair. But Shanahan did the firing and hiring that led to all of this, and makes decisions like "let's play conservative all year then suddenly try to go for 4th downs in week 15" or "let's punt to Devin Hester again, that last TD was a fluke."

Well, screw Shanahan, he's blown his second year in a row. By the way, somewhere around the 2nd quarter, Mr. Pumpkins caught a glimpse of how the Broncos were doing, weighed his options, and well...

Godspeed, Mr. Pumpkins. Don't look back...don't look back...remember us here at...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

RAIDERS DEVOUR PUMPKIN PIE

Unbelievable. The Raiders. THE RAIDERS. Who can doubt us now? Who can call us WRONG???

Oh, did someone mumble something about Jake Plummer? We love the Snake, but before you brave anonymous posters start calling us out again as simple-minded Jake boosters, let's remember: we've been pointing fingers at Shanahan since BEFORE he benched Jake. This isn't about the second-greatest QB in Broncos history, this is about THE BRONCOS. They STINK.

This team, from rosters to coaches was hand-picked by MIKE SHANAHAN. Don't whip out the "young team" excuse. This is essentially the same team from last year that went 9-7 and missed the playoffs on the last day of the season...oh, wait, we added guys like Bly and Big Baby Daddy who were supposed to IMPROVE us behind a "maturing" Jay Cutler. Well, poor Pumpkin Pie is not going to learn anything from Mike Shanahan except how to blame other people for mistakes. Shanahan has officially entered the downturn of his career and unfortunately, people are still too blinded by his "legendary" reputation to notice that the last nine years of Denver football haven't been "legendary," they've been ADEQUATE...and now it's gone from "adequate" to "pathetic."

We like Pumpkin Pie, but we fear for his development in the chaotic atmosphere Shanahan has created. Before he ruins yet ANOTHER young QB, it's time to put the old horse out to pasture. Mike Shanahan lost his edge a LONG time before refusing to...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!