Pumpkin Pie says Denver fans suck

Jay Cutler wants the world to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, Broncos fans are a "6" and Bears fans are a "9".

Just so you know, John Elway gives Broncos fans a "10".

Brian Griese gives them a "4".

And Jake Plummer?




Uh, Jake says Broncos fans are number one!

Cat Bowlen addresses the Michael Vick situation.

Thanks to Cat for making sure the team's position is clear even though the Broncos signing Mike Vick is about as likely as Mick Vick actually growing a soul. Yeah, that's right, f*** you, Michael Vick! And if you think "oh, he served his time, oh, you guys are haters, oh, you guys are punks, oh you guys are stupid because animals mean less than humans..." F*** you too.

You think Michael Vick is being treated unfairly? Imagine the best pet you ever had; a dog, a cat, a bird, a ferret, a rabbit...

Think of all the good memories of that favorite pet.

Think of how cute and interesting it was.

Think of how much you loved it.

Now imagine Michael Vick taking your pet and tossing it into a dogfight ring with two vicious, starving, mad pitbulls who proceed to tear your pet to shreds within an inch of its life.

Then imagine Michael Vick calling off the pitbulls and beating your beloved pet with a bat until it's barely breathing.

Then Michael Vick picks up your bloody pet by the neck and sticks its head into a bucket of water until it stops moving.

Then Michael Vick drags your pet's limp form over to a cement step and bashes its head into the concrete until its brain is totally destroyed.

Then Michael Vick puts your beloved pet in a bag and buries him in the back lawn of his property.

If that doesn't piss you off even a little, you have no heart, brain, or soul. And that's before we tell you to multiply your pet's experience by about a hundred. So f*** Mike Vick, and f*** any team that hires him. Think Michael Vick deserves to go back to the same profession? If he did this at McDonalds or Apple or Disneyland, he wouldn't get another shot at the same company. Hell, if Michael Vick was just some average Joe Schmoe who moved into your neighborhood and you found out he was an ex-con and what he was in for, you wouldn't even want your kids walking across the street from his house, would you? And before you lie, NO, you wouldn't.

By the by, f*** you, Tony Dungy, for agreeing to "mentor" this 29-year-old violent sociopath like he's a 12-year-old. Go save someone who matters beyond TV ratings, Tony. Go volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club or something. And f*** you, Roger Goodell, for giving an animal murderer a lighter sentence than the guys who get busted for performance enhancers...no amount of spin can change the facts of Vick's case, just like no amount of influence with ESPN (The Worldwide Leader in NFL Ass-Kissers) can erase the fact that Ben Roethlisberger, the blue-collar leader of the new "America's Team" at the VERY LEAST had an awkward, ill-advised fling with a slightly crazy and slightly horse-faced hotel employee and AT WORST...raped her.

Look...we love football but the NFL and especially Goodell is trying way too hard to squash and smooth over image problems instead of trying to prevent them from happening in the first place. Be transparent, dummies. Every time you do something shady, like "suggest" (aka threaten) to ESPN to hold off on what may be a non-story (if you don't believe this is exactly what happened with Big Ben, you're a sad mental case) or destroy the Spygate tapes, you damage the integrity of the league. Even more than the competent--but far from legendary, as many would have you believe--Paul Tagliabue...Roger Goodell is a BEAN COUNTER. He doesn't give a rat's ass about the integrity of the game (not that there's all THAT much), the livelihoods of the players, or the feelings of the fans. Goodell's mission is plain and simple: enable as much profit for the owners as humanly possible no matter what the players, coaches, and fans say or do.

David Stern and Bud Selig aren't exactly great commissioners. However, at the end of the day you can look at those two and know they genuinely love their game and respect it to at least a certain degree. Goodell? Love and respect? Only for the Almighty Dollar.

Anyway, we originally intended to just post Cat Bowlen's pic and call it a day, but we let too long go between postings and needed to vent. Also, Jake Plummer still RULES and we'd have him back before Brett Favre any day of the week.

Our Role In The Brandon Marshall Saga--And Bowlen's Response

We here at LPP are somewhat surprised at how quickly the Brandon Marshall situation has unraveled, especially since our rant from not too long ago (two posts down, of course.) We'd like to think that maybe, just maybe...we had something to do with it. Maybe B-Marsh saw our blog and realized that we, among all Broncos fans, speak with the clearest and most logical voices. Maybe Broncos ownership realized they had a potential disaster on their hands if they let this go any longer and decided to be proactive. Maybe you should all give us props.

BIG UPS TO US! WE MADE THIS HAPPEN!

Well, at least we think we did. Because just this afternoon we received a message from an NFL icon you just might have heard of. That's right, only an icon whose name happens to rhyme with "Stat Stolen" who is about to give this humble website the FINAL WORD on the B-Marsh saga (at least until he's actually traded.)

You know of whom we speak...

Ladies and gentlemen...

The BIG MAN HIMSELF...


...

CAT BOWLEN

Brandon Marshall requests a trade? Good.

Word around the campfire is that Brandon Marshall is requesting a trade. The Broncos' recent signing of Brandon Lloyd (who will never be confused with B-Marsh talent-wise) may be preemptive roster filling in anticipation of such a thing. We here at LPP would like to say something to the Broncos regarding this trade request...


DO IT.

Please jettison Marshall. He no longer wants to be a Bronco and real Broncos fans should not want a woman-choking, drunk-driving, dumb-shit-doing, contract-ignoring jerk like this around anymore.

And fellow fans, whatever you do don't get scared of Brandon leaving and putting up 110 catches, 1,400 yards and 20 TDs with another team. Look--it's going to happen. He very well may put up insane numbers. Just not in Denver, sad to say. As Austin Powers would say, that train has sailed. You think Randy Moss would have put up those sick numbers in 2007 if he had still been a Raider? Hell and No. However, there's no need to trade B-Marsh where he can thrive.

Send him to Detroit.

Brandon Marshall is not worth it

Brandon Marshall is a very good wide receiver. He's the best that the Broncos have and maybe one of the top five or six in the NFL. With Jay Cutler gone, the Broncos are going to need their receivers to be highly competent and to adjust to Kyle Orton and/or Chris Simms for the team to have any chance (slight though it may be) of contending this year.

With all that said...hey Broncos: Get rid of Brandon Marshall. He's an immature, selfish, whining, violent jerk. Over the last three years, he has:

Aggravated the incident that led to Darrent Williams dying;
Beaten, choked, and shaken female companions more than once;
Allegedly slashed one woman with a knife;
Busted for a post-game DUI;
Been a team distraction from said involvement in above incidents;
BEATEN, CHOKED, AND SHAKEN WOMEN MORE THAN ONCE;

And now HE WANTS A RAISE?!?!?!?

We have friends who have stopped watching NBA basketball. When pressed for a reason, one of their gripes is "the league is full of thugs." Now, we love the NFL, but really? How many Brandon Marshalls are there in the NBA? Did Dwayne Wade get caught killing pit bulls recently? Did Steve Nash get busted for coke in a parking lot last year? Did Shaq shoot himself in a club last season? Did Kobe Bryant--well, okay, but he was acquitted, it was over five years ago, and the last thing anyone can call Kobe is "thuggish." He may be a dick, but not a thug.

The NFL has more thugs than the NBA--even going by percentage--and

Brandon Marshall is a THUG.

This is not someone the Broncos and their fans should want to be associated with. If Broncos fans stop blinding themselves (we aren't going to win it all this year, sorry) and really, REALLY look hard at everything Brandon Marshall has done over his career right up until Spring of 2009, we as a fanbase should be just as tired of B-Marsh as Falcons fans were of Mr. Vick--and the organization should feel the same way. Yet the Broncos are probably reconsidering his contract because of the fear of fan backlash. After all, they can't afford to lose an on-field presence that has contributed to such a "dominant" .500 team that's missed the playoffs three straight Jake "the Snake" Plummer-less years going on four. Hey, Brandon IS a really good ball-catching-guy.

Mr. Bowlen, you showed guts when you finally said "enough" and fired Shanahan. You showed guts backing Josh McDaniel even when his judgment seemed questionable regarding Jay Cutler. Show some guts now. Don't cave in to B-Marsh. If he wants to earn the money he agreed to be paid according to the contract he signed, let him play out the season. If he behaves and has a good year, franchise his ass and tell him if he so much as gets a parking ticket he can eat bench until his contract is up. But don't give in and reward Brandon Marshall for being cancerous. Cut him or keep him, but don't cave to him.

We want the Broncos to succeed, but not with an asshole like Marshall giving us second thoughts about the team's character. We'd actually like it if the team we liked was actually worth liking. C'mon last year Jay Cutler--JAY CUTLER--called B-Marsh immature. We all know Pumpkin Pie isn't exactly a paragon of maturity and restraint, so for him to call Brandon a whiny girly man should have set off a lot more alarms in Denver.

Also, if this was one of the New York teams or New England or DC, the media would be treating B-Marsh like a superstar criminal and the Broncos would be made to look like total douchebags for putting up with him. Thank goodness ESPN doesn't give a crap about anything that happens west of Philly except Lebron James and Manny Ramirez.

Anyway, that's our story and we're sticking to it.

CUT THE THUG!!!

How Manny Ramirez relates to football

Do you like HGH, Shawne?

So former Red Sox, former Indians, and current Dodgers star Manny Ramirez just got popped for using a banned substance by Major League Baseball.  He'll be out 50 games and lose $8 million dollars for (if you believe the story) a doctor-prescribed sex enhancer hormone (that can possibly double as a post-roid chaser.)  Once again steroids in baseball are on the top of the sports page, and once again sportswriters are foaming at the mouth about "oh no, ban them all, the sport is a disgrace, clean up baseball, what a blow to the sport."

Whatever.  Baseball has no more of a steroids presence than football.  What I (Pale Horseman...LPP himself largely hates baseball) don't understand is that how a sport that has been for better or worse officially passed by football as the national pastime is still treated as the holiest of holies by the same people who will admit to have abandoned it LONG before the strike of 1994 and the steroids fallout.  All we hear about in baseball is "Bonds' records should/shouldn't count," or "McGwire should/shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame," or "How can we trust anyone?"  Yet in football, you hear about a guy getting suspended for performance drugs, all you hear is "how will this affect the team?"  Not ONE  F***ING  WORD about "what a shame," "call in Congress," "think of the children."  Just "what an idiot, how will this affect the team?" 

Football is obviously America's sport of choice these days, yet it's baseball that evokes sentimentality.  What records or achievements can most people name quickly for baseball?  DiMaggio, 56-game hitting streak.  Bonds' 73 homers to top McGwire's 70 homers to top Maris' 61 homers to top Ruth's 60 homers.  755.  714.  59 consecutive scoreless innings.  Guys with 500 homers.  Guys with 3000 hits.  Ripken's Ironman streak.  

How many records or numbers like that can most people name from football that didn't happen in the past 2-3 years?  The Dolphins' perfect season.  Brett Favre's games-started streak.  18-1 (which because of the Dolphins and Giants DOESN'T MATTER, HAHAHAHA)  That's pretty much it, and ONLY because we hear about them from the TV announcers every time a team gets to 5-0 and every time Brett Favre ever stepped on a damn football field.  Maybe some bits and pieces about Emmitt Smith or Jerry Rice, but no one really remembers the numbers without Wikipedia.

What I'm trying to say is this:  there's a double standard here that I don't understand.  It's apparent that America has made its choice and picks football over baseball--the numbers back that statement up and then some.  So how come it's baseball that has a "steroid problem" when football players up and down the roster are anywhere from 40 to 80 pounds more massive on average than they used to be, get caught almost if not just as regularly, and have horrible health problems after retirement?  Do football fans really just not care?  Is it because football, like so many other things, feeds America's short attention span and love for sex and violence, and needs to be nothing else?  If baseball is so "boring" why do so many writers go insane when Rafael Palmeiro is considered for the Hall of Fame but Rodney Harrison gets banned and reinstated within one season and writers say "watch out, the Pats have their strength back."

Who knows?  Screw it.

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Not surprising, but still...

Guess what? Oh, you already knew. Brett Favre is going to sit down and have a friendly little talk with the Vikings about taking off his real comfortable jeans and suiting up in purple.

Sweet Jesus on a moped. Enough is too much, Brett. We can't get 34-year-old Jake Plummer back, but Brett Favre won't go gently into that good night? This is what we get for eating California cheese instead of Wisconsin cheese. What's that? Brett's from Minnesota? Well, crap, what comes from Minnesota? Prince? We like Prince, Brett.

Anyway, if nothing else, this means Jake has at least a five-year return window. True, he probably won't come back, but at least we have something to bitch about for the next five years.