RAAAAAAHWRRRR!!! I'm back!!!
The Washington Racial Slurs have just thrown an aircraft carrier full of money at our old buddy Mike Shanahan. Mikey will not only be the new head coach, he'll be the VP of football operations, with final say on personnel moves. Let us just congratulate Shanahan and the Racial Slurs on their...snort...future suc--giggle--future success...oh forget it...
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHHHH!!!
So Washington hires a solid football mind in Bruce Allen to supposedly run the front office and then they undercut him by giving final say to Shanny? Sweet Jesus. Ask Ted Sundquist how much power he really had as Shanny's errand boy GM the last decade in Denver. Actually, while Shanahan might have succeeded somewhere like Dallas or even Cleveland (okay, not really) in Washington the impatient meddling owner is going to be the bigger problem. Besides, it's the NFC East, the most overrated division perhaps in all of sports (well, that or the SEC, but we don't follow minor league football anyway.)
The NFC East should be the TMZ division, because it's full of big names who hardly ever do anything, and when they do, it gets blown WAY out of proportion. Comparisons:
The Dallas Cowboys are Jennifer Aniston, because the last time they were any good was back in the 90's, but for some reason, even though they don't do a damn thing at all that matters, people are always talking about them. Seriously, name all the great things Jennifer Aniston and the Cowboys have done since 2004 (cancellation of FRIENDS.) They're most famous for failures: Aniston getting dumped by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie and Dallas not winning any playoff games in this century. That's it.
The New York Giants are George Clooney, which is a backhanded compliment. Clooney and the Giants are famous and successful, but their success is surrounded by a lot more mediocrity than you'd expect. However, both are hard-working and they do end up doing stuff people appreciate, like O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? and crushing the Patriots' 19-0 dreams. It's hard to dislike that kind of artistry.
The Philadelphia Eagles are ironically like Jessica Simpson. Neither Jessica nor the Eagles have really been at the top of the heap. Yet no matter how far their star may fall, somehow they always end up drawing attention, finding minor success, and even getting a bit of sympathy. Also, they've both nailed Tony Romo, albeit in different ways.
The Washington Racial Slurs are Madonna; no matter how haggard they look, they still put lipstick on the pig and go out and shake it for the camera like it's 1991--the last time they mattered. No one really wants to see them, but they don't give you much choice and they also have that train wreck quality about them. Now where were we?
The only potential plus for Shanny here is an uncapped season that allows Washington to throw ungodly amounts of unrestricted money at free agents. While that could happen, neither Washington nor Shanny has had much recent success with big-time spending. Also, the Eagles and Cowboys are still good and the Giants are a minor retool away from being good again. Shanahan has a lot of work to do. If he can turn Jason Campbell into at least half a Plummer, hey, maybe it'll work out. Or he'll go after Colt McCoy in the draft and try to Cutlerize him. Either way, we make a simple, bold prediction:
MIKE SHANAHAN WILL NOT WIN A SUPER BOWL IN WASHINGTON.
Never trust a man who doesn't...
LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!
