Thursday, January 7, 2010

Shanahan rises from the grave

RAAAAAAHWRRRR!!! I'm back!!!

The Washington Racial Slurs have just thrown an aircraft carrier full of money at our old buddy Mike Shanahan. Mikey will not only be the new head coach, he'll be the VP of football operations, with final say on personnel moves. Let us just congratulate Shanahan and the Racial Slurs on their...snort...future suc--giggle--future success...oh forget it...


So Washington hires a solid football mind in Bruce Allen to supposedly run the front office and then they undercut him by giving final say to Shanny? Sweet Jesus. Ask Ted Sundquist how much power he really had as Shanny's errand boy GM the last decade in Denver. Actually, while Shanahan might have succeeded somewhere like Dallas or even Cleveland (okay, not really) in Washington the impatient meddling owner is going to be the bigger problem. Besides, it's the NFC East, the most overrated division perhaps in all of sports (well, that or the SEC, but we don't follow minor league football anyway.)

The NFC East should be the TMZ division, because it's full of big names who hardly ever do anything, and when they do, it gets blown WAY out of proportion. Comparisons:

The Dallas Cowboys are Jennifer Aniston, because the last time they were any good was back in the 90's, but for some reason, even though they don't do a damn thing at all that matters, people are always talking about them. Seriously, name all the great things Jennifer Aniston and the Cowboys have done since 2004 (cancellation of FRIENDS.) They're most famous for failures: Aniston getting dumped by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie and Dallas not winning any playoff games in this century. That's it.

The New York Giants are George Clooney, which is a backhanded compliment. Clooney and the Giants are famous and successful, but their success is surrounded by a lot more mediocrity than you'd expect. However, both are hard-working and they do end up doing stuff people appreciate, like O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? and crushing the Patriots' 19-0 dreams. It's hard to dislike that kind of artistry.

The Philadelphia Eagles are ironically like Jessica Simpson. Neither Jessica nor the Eagles have really been at the top of the heap. Yet no matter how far their star may fall, somehow they always end up drawing attention, finding minor success, and even getting a bit of sympathy. Also, they've both nailed Tony Romo, albeit in different ways.

The Washington Racial Slurs are Madonna; no matter how haggard they look, they still put lipstick on the pig and go out and shake it for the camera like it's 1991--the last time they mattered. No one really wants to see them, but they don't give you much choice and they also have that train wreck quality about them. Now where were we?

The only potential plus for Shanny here is an uncapped season that allows Washington to throw ungodly amounts of unrestricted money at free agents. While that could happen, neither Washington nor Shanny has had much recent success with big-time spending. Also, the Eagles and Cowboys are still good and the Giants are a minor retool away from being good again. Shanahan has a lot of work to do. If he can turn Jason Campbell into at least half a Plummer, hey, maybe it'll work out. Or he'll go after Colt McCoy in the draft and try to Cutlerize him. Either way, we make a simple, bold prediction:


Never trust a man who doesn't...


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Here we go again?

So maybe it's time to panic after all. The Broncos just got slapped down by the Washington Racial Slurs. The Racial Slurs are a sorry mess but the Broncos rolled over like a fat cat on the bed for those scrubs. Oops. I think we just vurped up some of that Kool-Aid.

What is it about midseason that starts crushing hopes in Denver every year? This one we can't pin on Shanahan. Coach Mickey D had better get back to the drawing board and fix this.

In some new Jake Plummer news, his old Cherry Hills house in Colorado is still up for sale. This news report shows an extensive remodeling and a bargain-basement price of $3.8 million. If we had the money we would definitely grab this property for its historical significance. But we have to save up for that pack of Top Ramen.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Time to panic yet?

Yes, Kyle. That's two losses. Drink up.

Uh-oh. Two losses in a row, and suddenly San Diego is only a game back. Are the Broncos beginning another ugly, 2008-esque collapse?

No. Calm down. They have 6 wins, and this week's opponents are the sorry Redskins. A win in Washington means they're back on track. Even if they somehow lose to San Diego, they have the Raiders and two dates with the Chiefs coming up. Four more wins means 10-6, and they could possibly do better if the Giants and Eagles bring their D-Games.

The Ravens and Steelers aren't exactly scrub teams. For all their success, the Broncos never looked indestructible, so the team's development is still ahead of schedule. But just as we thought, they aren't ready to knock off one of the big boys (unless they manage a miracle in Indianapolis in six weeks.) No shame in that.

For now. Next year, expectations are going to be higher.

Jake Plummer watch: nothing to report at this time. In other news, Larry Johnson was released by the best to put this? "lol" seems appropriate.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Jake gets a hole in one. We think.

"...and you shake it all about."

After getting all whoopty-woo about the Broncos' 5-0 start, we figure it's time to get back to what life's really all about: a Jake Plummer update!

A search of the ol' Google brought up this little tidbit. Apparently Jake nailed a hole-in-one last Monday on the #2 at Maple Hill Golf Club in Hemlock, MI.

It's entirely possible that this was just a guy named Jake Plummer and not THE real deal Snake, but either way it's newsworthy. Either our man Jake got a hole-in-one, or someone with the last name "Plummer" had the God-given sense to name their boy "Jake" some time ago, knowing his offspring would share that name with one of the NFL's great gamers.

Honestly, we aren't sure how much golf Jake actually plays, but 99% of former NFL quarterbacks seem to take it up, so he probably does swing the irons on occasion.


Sunday, October 11, 2009


Holy crap. The Mile High advantage is back.

Down go the Patriots! We can doubt MickeyD no longer. Thank you for proving that a good young coach can do better than a "legendary" coach when the legend loses his competitive edge, Josh McD.

Super Bowl this year? We're not going to bounce off the walls with anticipation yet, but Denver is once again a top ten NFL team and possibly top five. What a difference a year and a coach who has all his marbles makes.

The schedule ahead looks tough, but the Broncos already have five wins. Four more probably gets them in the playoffs. Conveniently, Denver gets the Chiefs twice, the Redskins, and the Raiders. Start saving up for playoff ticket scalps, Broncos fans.

p.s: San Diego, hope you enjoyed that lame little run of "success." It's over.

(EDITORS NOTE, 1/3/10: Well, we were wrong. Sue us.)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Drink up, Kyle! Your Broncos have opened the season undefeated! Maybe we still aren't 100% sure about Josh McDaniels, but we were obviously right that Shanahan needed to go.

Funny how people seem less excited about this fast start than last year's fast start. Sure, the Broncos haven't beaten a real contender yet. But even though the Cowboys are an overrated shell of a good team (like we correctly predicted the Titans would be even though we were too busy to do a true 2010 Season Predictions column) the shutdown defense on Tony "OVERRATED" Romo was impressive.

The rest of the schedule is a lot tougher, outside of the Chiefs and Raiders rematches. This week? Josh MickeyD gets to take a shot at his old mentor Bill Belichick, which we're FAR more excited about than last night's predictable and sickening Brett Favre circle jerk by ESPN. The Broncos (can't believe we're saying this but it's great to say) have more than just a chance against a vulnerable and rusty-looking Patriots team with a shaky running game, an inconsistent defense, and Tom Brady still only looking like 90% of his former Lord of the Pigskin self.

We think they win on a late FG, with Kyle Orton continuing his stellar ball control. Champ's going to have a much rougher time with Moss than he did with the Cowboy's paper tigers, but the defense is good enough to hold down the Pats, Jets-style, as long as no one falls asleep for that one huge game-changing play the Patriots historically pull out of their asses when they win close games.

Yes, is backing the Broncos--like we said we would when things got back on track. Are they Super Bowl-bound? Hold your horses. The Ravens, Steelers, and Colts would tear them up in a playoff game right now, and we haven't seen how they'll face up to the Chargers just yet. But it's a start.

Meanwhile, while the Broncos were proving how much they didn't need Mike Shanahan on Sunday, the Cowboys went out and proved that--wait for it--Dallas needs to shitcan Wade Phillips and hire Shanahan STAT. The Cowboys, despite poor coaching, have a solid base and a talented but directionless quarterback in Tony Romo. He wouldn't make them a Super Bowl winner unless they lucked into another superstar, but Dallas has exactly the kind of pre-made roster Shanahan needs to thrive in this league. Now that he's long gone, it seems to be easier to say that we don't care if he succeeds elsewhere anymore. We know he wasn't the coach to rebuild this (or any) team and so bygones be bygones now, Mike.

On a semi-related note (speaking of QBs with no direction) as much as we hate the Raiders it's sad to see how terrible they're going to continue to be. It's much more fun to beat up on Oakland when the Broncos are actually squashing hopes of success instead of just going through the motions of crushing silver-and-black bugs. JaMarcus Russell has somehow degraded from simply the worst starting quarterback in the league to possibly the worst quarterback in the league PERIOD and maybe the worst since...who, Dan McGwire? But old Zombie Al Davis is going to stand by that big waste of space until the tires come off. Oh well, spilled milk.

Jake Plummer update: Still no comeback. Dammit.