The power of positive thinking

Lest everyone think we're total "neighsayers" (get it? GET IT?) who have turned on our beloved horsies, Let Plummer Play! presents...

The top 10 reasons why the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl this coming season:

10. Donald Rumsfeld (pictured above) will be signed as a lineman, as Shanahan assumes a guy who was Secretary of Defense should be able to play defense as well or better than the sorry squad did last year.

9. Money saved by getting rid of Andrew Mason, Jim Sundquist, the entire PR department, and Jason Elam can be used to bribe Shawne Merriman with 6,000 pounds of steroid-injected raw beef.

8. Jay Cutler will lose a bet in training camp and shave his signature Pumpkin Pie haircut. His field vision will increase by 60% with the horizontal bang line blocking the top of his sight removed and enable him to throw 40 touchdowns.

7. John Elway will be hired as general manager and motivate the entire roster by giving each player a free slightly-used Toyota Corolla.

6. We've sent Jake Plummer a really nice e-mail and he's agreed to lift the voodoo curse he cast upon the team the day Cutler was drafted. Of course, we also have to contact Brian Griese to find out what kind of hex he laid down back in '02.

5. New defensive coordinator Bob Slowik is actually the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi.

4. Shanahan will convince George W. Bush that Sadaam Hussein is actually still alive and living in the New England area.

3. Pat Bowlen has requisitioned 3 more feet of soil, and is renaming the stadium "Invesco Field at Mile and a Yard High" to increase the built-in home-field advantage.

2. Hoping that good things come in threes, Mike Shanahan has entered negotiations with Eli and Peyton Manning's older brother Cooper Manning to replace Javon Walker at wideout.

1. After the 0-3 start, four words: Head Coach Rod Smith.

Andrew Mason gets sacked (the British way.)

In another brilliant personnel move that could save owner Pat Bowlen (pictured above) thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of dollars, Andrew Mason--the webmaster and essentially head online cheerleader of the popular blog pages at the Denver Broncos official website--was let go along with several members of the Broncos public relations staff (the most notable name being Paul Kirk, longtime director of media relations.)

Thank goodness we have such brilliant minds calling the shots in Englewood. The money saved could be used to buy at least six or seven ball-warmers, or maybe sign a few tackling dummies (stick them on the roster...the way both lines played this year, we might improve.) We would also suggest investing in a team hairstylist, mainly for Pumpkin Pie...but we're veering off topic here.

Maybe Andrew Mason never contributed to a victory on the field. Maybe he never made a difference in the final score. Maybe there's not a single Broncos player, coach, or employee who will miss him (and we doubt that's the case.) But Mase was a direct link between the fans and the team in a way that felt--to the thousands of NFL fans who frequented his blog on a daily basis, whether for news, rare insight on team operations, or simply because they enjoyed his easygoing, friendly take on what he saw happening with his favorite team--like they had a friend in the front office. Mason's readers ranged from rabid Broncos fanatics who accepted no criticism of their beloved team to people like, well, the two out of three of us here at LPP who liked to go in and serve up our gripes (LetPlummerPlay and WhiteHoss, pleased to meet you.)

The first excuse given for letting Mase and the PR staff go will be a quick and snappy retort about how bad the economy is doing, and how the Broncos are tightening their belts for tough times.

BULLSHIT.

According to Forbes, the Broncos are the sixth-most valuable and profitable team in the money-monster that is the NFL. Team merchandise rules the American Southwest since the only real competition for fans between Dallas and San Diego is in Arizona, and even people in Arizona only care about the Cardinals because of that shiny new stadium. The NFL is actually one of the few American business that isn't going to get its ass kicked until the economy gets back into shape. If anything, sports provides a welcome distraction to a nation's political and economical woes (don't believe us? Joe Louis practically became a God during the Great Depression, and no one can deny how rabid even--or especially--the most destitute countries go absolutely insane over soccer games.) The Broncos will turn a fat profit this year, just like they have for two decades.

Instead of wiping about two games worth of Cecil Sapp's bonus off the books, how about making some better TEAM decisions instead of trimming the fat in the public relations department? It would seem to me, that now, more than ever, the Broncos are a team in need of some good publicity. They've missed the playoffs two years in a row, their head coach has declined into Saints-era Mike Ditka, and they've wasted millions and millions of dollars over the past five years on BAD TEAM DECISIONS like signing Simeon Rice, or throwing a ton of money at Travis Henry despite obvious character issues, or hiring Jim Bates, or giving Todd Sauerbrun ten cents more than the league minimum, or overpaying Daniel Graham, or giving Ted Sundquist GM pay when the head coach was making all the decisions...and that's just the past two years. Hell, I'll even throw in Jake Plummer as a bad decision, because if you were going to pay him all that money to get the team wins (which he did for the most part) then let the guy play out his contract for what you hired him to do instead of throwing the rookie in just to see what happens (but this isn't about Jake.)

"Andrew Mason did nothing important for the Broncos," was probably the thinking at Broncos HQ. Sure. All he did was connect with the most important part of the team's future--the fans who buy the tickets, pay for Sunday Ticket, and buy the ridiculous amounts of merchandise even if they didn't need it. Who needs Broncos pencil sets and fanny packs? No one--but fans buy it because they WANT it, and anyone who can help instill that sort of loyalty is important to a team. Mase kept his readers focused and positive during even the worst embarrassments. He stayed positive and was always a fan first, offering only the lightest criticism and always encouraging the readers who may have been wavering in their loyalties a bit that sunnier days could be around the corner for the patient fan.

Hell, we'll just come out and say it...Andrew Mason has had more faith in this team over the past two years than the team's f***ing head coach! The "Ultimate Leader" had nothing on Mase's commitment to giving the fans the best football experience possible. And now, he's forwarding resumes in the hopes that some future employer out there recognizes hard work, intelligence, and loyalty as true assets rather than just some number on a budget sheet.

We salute Andrew Mason, Paul Kirk, and all the former employees of the Denver Broncos for their tireless and apparently thankless efforts to keep fans interested in an NFL franchise that had only made the job harder by becoming less and less relevant as the 21st century unfolded. Thanks for the efforts, everyone. We'd love to hire you all here at LetPlummerPlay.com, but our budget's a bit tight this year...and every year. Maybe if you used those first unemployment checks on a T-shirt...

We're sure you'll catch on somewhere, Mase, so good luck in the future from...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Shanahan passes the buck again -or- Blaming the mailman for bringing your bills

Well, we were wondering who the scapegoat would be this year...and we thought it was just Jim Bates! However word around the ESPN campfire is that Mike Shanahan's Scapegoat Club now has another member. Batesy, Jake Plummer, Brian Griese, and Larry Coyer have been joined by yet another meaningless layer of the Broncos' decision onion..."GM" Ted Sundquist is now unemployed.

We'd like to congratulate the Broncos for taking steps to improve their management team. Perhaps next, instead of firing the yes-man who does the paperwork, maybe the person who was directly responsible for almost every Broncos personnel move for the last 10 years can get the boot. Mike Shanahan is and has always been the shot caller in Denver. Sundquist was just his gofer.

Shanahan: "I want Jake Plummer." Sundquist: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "I don't want Plummer anymore. Draft the best QB available." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Larry Coyer displeases me. I want to hire my buddy Jim." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Okay, my buddy Jim sucks. Lean on him to step down." Sunny: "Gun or crowbar, boss?"

And so on.

Mike Shanahan has been the man writing checks that his results can't cash. Ted Sundquist? He was just a gleefully willing Mr. Greenjeans the mailman, delivering Shanny's orders with little alteration. We aren't sad to see Sunny go, but for Jake's sakes, can we finally start blaming SHANAHAN for the team's failures???

WHO ELSE IS LEFT???

Still Slow...

"We here at LPP are actually quite fond of Brett Fav-RAH, but still found the following email sent to us entertaining. It is what it is, enjoy." (Oh and we LOVE Marco Matarazzi, so we were a bit offended by that, but oh well.)

Hey man, I got turned on to your site a few months ago and friggin' love it! Well done (well, except for the Materazzi support - that clown's a fucking pig) and keep up the good work!

Anyway, I'm a die-hard Jake the Snake fan since the Rose Bowl (nice defense, ASU, you pussies) and sort of the resident lunatic in the Mighty Bronco newsgroup on Usenet for my unwavering support of Jake. And since they're so damned tired of my diatribes, I thought I'd vent to you guys out of desperation.I've given it enough time and feel that I can now say this in regard to Brett Favre's retirement: Good Fucking Riddance! I'm so goddamned sick of seeing that lucky sonofabitch's highlights.

I see all the shit he pulls out of his ass and say to myself either "Hell, Jake the Snake does that all the time. So what?" or "What bullshit. If Jake had tried to snake that one in there, the WR would have tipped it up for a pick." Jake was truly SnakeBit at times and I am so grateful that Favre's career ended with a horrendous pass that was rightfully picked off. No bullshit tips, no glancing off finger-tips...just a piss-poor decision and throw that bit #4 in the ass. And his running around and jumping like a ten-year old? Give me a break. How many times did we see Jake be the first one to his receiver after a TD pass? Oh, but Favre has a love for the game! Shit, most of those guys he hugged all the time were probably the same ones handing off their Vicodin prescriptions.

If Favre wants to act like a grade-schooler, I got some grade-school smack for him: Jake the Snake rules, Brett Boy drools. Swap them in "There's Something About Mary" and it probably snags an Oscar, what with the porn-stache and all. At least a nomination.Okay. I think I have it out of my system now. That the bounty of unbelievable Luck that permeated Favre's bonehead decisions trumped the derring-do ballsiness of Jake the Snake's play for so long just galls the shit out of me (not to mention the lone ring, but shit, even Brad Johnson and Dilfer have one of those). Thanks for the outlet and I appreciate all your hard work on the site. That photo of Jake's musings on JC and the handball should be blown up into a poster and hand-delivered to Shanny.

aloha
LD