Pumpkin Pie does it for the childrens

"You're THAT Bubblegum Tate?"

Despite the name of the site and our allegiance to Jake the Snake, let's be honest here. Jay Cutler is our favorite NFL pastry. Pumpkin Pie continues to enhance his image in our book. Firstly, he's teamed up with the World Famous Harlem Globetrotters (as seen above) to entertain 100 needy childrens from the Pumpkin Pie Foun--uh, we mean Jay Cutler Foundation.

Also as seen above he has not yet cut his hair but we're still crossing our fingers.

He's also helping another child, a famous one--Broncos teammate Brandon Marshall, whose talent and recent off-field exploits are bringing to mind a young Dennis Rodman. After the DUI, the Darrent Williams incident, and now shredding his arm on a broken television (and you have to have some serious momentum to break a TV screen...we tried shattering a monitor with a hammer back when we were stupid kids and it took more effort than you'd assume) Pumpkin Pie essentially said on the record that Brandon needed to stop acting like a dumbshit 15-year-old and start acting like a full-grown professional (not the Pacman Jones kind, either.) He then went on to display some interesting Q-Buds (the precursor to true Q-Balls) by stopping just short of calling out his front office and owner for their recent human resources shenanigans.

"This year, the third year, it's definitely time," Cutler said. "As the quarterback of this team and the leader of the offense I think I should go ahead and take that next step." -- "It's been three years. Obviously my coach isn't going to lead anything but a conga line at this point in his career."

Cutler even felt emboldened enough to make light of Broncos owner Pat Bowlen's recent cry of poverty, NFL style, joking that he had to go out and purchase his own helmet a couple of days ago. -- "It's really too bad the NFL isn't making BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars. I wouldn't want Pat to have to sell one of his private jets or boats."

Although the team hasn't been a big player in the free-agent market this offseason, Cutler said he had faith the Broncos would be competitive. "I think we still need some weapons, but that's not my job. I'm the quarterback and I get the ball and try and get us some touchdowns," Cutler said. -- "Hint, hint coach...give me something better to work with--or better yet just give me SOMETHING to work with."

The quarterback wasn't happy that the Broncos failed to re-sign veteran kicker Jason Elam. "I am a little worried about that," he said. "He's one of the best clutch kickers in the game. Having been here for that long, I was surprised to see them let him go." -- "Great, so apparently the guy responsible for half of my scoring drives and half our wins was expendable? Wonderful. I didn't realize I was still at Vanderbilt."

Thank God Pumpkin Pie got a real education from a real university. Some football-factory quarterback from Texas, USC, or Michigan might not have been properly prepared to face the intellectual chaos we've got here in Denver. Jay has apparently rationalized that his coach and owner are officially tuned out and the only way anything positive is going to happen on the field at Mile High is if the team's best players man-up and act like leaders. Unfortunately, since the other two best players on the offense are B-Marsh and Travis Henry, it's going to have to be a one-Pie show for the time being.

Maybe Jay is up to the task, maybe he's not. But it's a damn positive sign that he's publicly speaking his mind and taking charge. It may not be enough to get the Broncos back in the playoffs this year, but at least they won't be mailing in games like the Dolphins or Rams. That alone might be worth an extra win or two.

An extra win or two could make the difference in a playoff push, by gum. A sneak into the playoffs would almost make up for the severe lack of Jake Plummer in the NFL. But we still hold out hope that the Snake will strap on the pads one last time and someone will...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

(Well, okay. We really don't think that's going to happen. Even Jon Gruden seems to have given up. But stranger things have happened, and hey, Vinnie Testaverde was like 1,000 years old last year. We can wait.)