Shanahan rises from the grave

RAAAAAAHWRRRR!!! I'm back!!!

The Washington Racial Slurs have just thrown an aircraft carrier full of money at our old buddy Mike Shanahan. Mikey will not only be the new head coach, he'll be the VP of football operations, with final say on personnel moves. Let us just congratulate Shanahan and the Racial Slurs on their...snort...future suc--giggle--future success...oh forget it...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHHHH!!!

So Washington hires a solid football mind in Bruce Allen to supposedly run the front office and then they undercut him by giving final say to Shanny? Sweet Jesus. Ask Ted Sundquist how much power he really had as Shanny's errand boy GM the last decade in Denver. Actually, while Shanahan might have succeeded somewhere like Dallas or even Cleveland (okay, not really) in Washington the impatient meddling owner is going to be the bigger problem. Besides, it's the NFC East, the most overrated division perhaps in all of sports (well, that or the SEC, but we don't follow minor league football anyway.)

The NFC East should be the TMZ division, because it's full of big names who hardly ever do anything, and when they do, it gets blown WAY out of proportion. Comparisons:

The Dallas Cowboys are Jennifer Aniston, because the last time they were any good was back in the 90's, but for some reason, even though they don't do a damn thing at all that matters, people are always talking about them. Seriously, name all the great things Jennifer Aniston and the Cowboys have done since 2004 (cancellation of FRIENDS.) They're most famous for failures: Aniston getting dumped by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie and Dallas not winning any playoff games in this century. That's it.

The New York Giants are George Clooney, which is a backhanded compliment. Clooney and the Giants are famous and successful, but their success is surrounded by a lot more mediocrity than you'd expect. However, both are hard-working and they do end up doing stuff people appreciate, like O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU? and crushing the Patriots' 19-0 dreams. It's hard to dislike that kind of artistry.

The Philadelphia Eagles are ironically like Jessica Simpson. Neither Jessica nor the Eagles have really been at the top of the heap. Yet no matter how far their star may fall, somehow they always end up drawing attention, finding minor success, and even getting a bit of sympathy. Also, they've both nailed Tony Romo, albeit in different ways.

The Washington Racial Slurs are Madonna; no matter how haggard they look, they still put lipstick on the pig and go out and shake it for the camera like it's 1991--the last time they mattered. No one really wants to see them, but they don't give you much choice and they also have that train wreck quality about them. Now where were we?

The only potential plus for Shanny here is an uncapped season that allows Washington to throw ungodly amounts of unrestricted money at free agents. While that could happen, neither Washington nor Shanny has had much recent success with big-time spending. Also, the Eagles and Cowboys are still good and the Giants are a minor retool away from being good again. Shanahan has a lot of work to do. If he can turn Jason Campbell into at least half a Plummer, hey, maybe it'll work out. Or he'll go after Colt McCoy in the draft and try to Cutlerize him. Either way, we make a simple, bold prediction:

MIKE SHANAHAN WILL NOT WIN A SUPER BOWL IN WASHINGTON.

Never trust a man who doesn't...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Th-Th-Th-That's All, Folks!

New coach, new QB, same results. Well, there's always next year. Isn't there?

Here we go again?

So maybe it's time to panic after all. The Broncos just got slapped down by the Washington Racial Slurs. The Racial Slurs are a sorry mess but the Broncos rolled over like a fat cat on the bed for those scrubs. Oops. I think we just vurped up some of that Kool-Aid.

What is it about midseason that starts crushing hopes in Denver every year? This one we can't pin on Shanahan. Coach Mickey D had better get back to the drawing board and fix this.

In some new Jake Plummer news, his old Cherry Hills house in Colorado is still up for sale. This news report shows an extensive remodeling and a bargain-basement price of $3.8 million. If we had the money we would definitely grab this property for its historical significance. But we have to save up for that pack of Top Ramen.

LET PLUMMER SELL!!!

Time to panic yet?

Yes, Kyle. That's two losses. Drink up.

Uh-oh. Two losses in a row, and suddenly San Diego is only a game back. Are the Broncos beginning another ugly, 2008-esque collapse?

No. Calm down. They have 6 wins, and this week's opponents are the sorry Redskins. A win in Washington means they're back on track. Even if they somehow lose to San Diego, they have the Raiders and two dates with the Chiefs coming up. Four more wins means 10-6, and they could possibly do better if the Giants and Eagles bring their D-Games.

The Ravens and Steelers aren't exactly scrub teams. For all their success, the Broncos never looked indestructible, so the team's development is still ahead of schedule. But just as we thought, they aren't ready to knock off one of the big boys (unless they manage a miracle in Indianapolis in six weeks.) No shame in that.

For now. Next year, expectations are going to be higher.

Jake Plummer watch: nothing to report at this time. In other news, Larry Johnson was released by the Chiefs...how best to put this? "lol" seems appropriate.

Jake gets a hole in one. We think.

"...and you shake it all about."

After getting all whoopty-woo about the Broncos' 5-0 start, we figure it's time to get back to what life's really all about: a Jake Plummer update!

A search of the ol' Google brought up this little tidbit. Apparently Jake nailed a hole-in-one last Monday on the #2 at Maple Hill Golf Club in Hemlock, MI.

It's entirely possible that this was just a guy named Jake Plummer and not THE real deal Snake, but either way it's newsworthy. Either our man Jake got a hole-in-one, or someone with the last name "Plummer" had the God-given sense to name their boy "Jake" some time ago, knowing his offspring would share that name with one of the NFL's great gamers.

Honestly, we aren't sure how much golf Jake actually plays, but 99% of former NFL quarterbacks seem to take it up, so he probably does swing the irons on occasion.

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!! GOLF!!!

5-0!?!?!?

Holy crap. The Mile High advantage is back.

Down go the Patriots! We can doubt MickeyD no longer. Thank you for proving that a good young coach can do better than a "legendary" coach when the legend loses his competitive edge, Josh McD.

Super Bowl this year? We're not going to bounce off the walls with anticipation yet, but Denver is once again a top ten NFL team and possibly top five. What a difference a year and a coach who has all his marbles makes.

The schedule ahead looks tough, but the Broncos already have five wins. Four more probably gets them in the playoffs. Conveniently, Denver gets the Chiefs twice, the Redskins, and the Raiders. Start saving up for playoff ticket scalps, Broncos fans.

p.s: San Diego, hope you enjoyed that lame little run of "success." It's over.

(EDITORS NOTE, 1/3/10: Well, we were wrong. Sue us.)

4-0!!!

Drink up, Kyle! Your Broncos have opened the season undefeated! Maybe we still aren't 100% sure about Josh McDaniels, but we were obviously right that Shanahan needed to go.

Funny how people seem less excited about this fast start than last year's fast start. Sure, the Broncos haven't beaten a real contender yet. But even though the Cowboys are an overrated shell of a good team (like we correctly predicted the Titans would be even though we were too busy to do a true 2010 Season Predictions column) the shutdown defense on Tony "OVERRATED" Romo was impressive.

The rest of the schedule is a lot tougher, outside of the Chiefs and Raiders rematches. This week? Josh MickeyD gets to take a shot at his old mentor Bill Belichick, which we're FAR more excited about than last night's predictable and sickening Brett Favre circle jerk by ESPN. The Broncos (can't believe we're saying this but it's great to say) have more than just a chance against a vulnerable and rusty-looking Patriots team with a shaky running game, an inconsistent defense, and Tom Brady still only looking like 90% of his former Lord of the Pigskin self.

We think they win on a late FG, with Kyle Orton continuing his stellar ball control. Champ's going to have a much rougher time with Moss than he did with the Cowboy's paper tigers, but the defense is good enough to hold down the Pats, Jets-style, as long as no one falls asleep for that one huge game-changing play the Patriots historically pull out of their asses when they win close games.

Yes, LetPlummerPlay.com is backing the Broncos--like we said we would when things got back on track. Are they Super Bowl-bound? Hold your horses. The Ravens, Steelers, and Colts would tear them up in a playoff game right now, and we haven't seen how they'll face up to the Chargers just yet. But it's a start.

Meanwhile, while the Broncos were proving how much they didn't need Mike Shanahan on Sunday, the Cowboys went out and proved that--wait for it--Dallas needs to shitcan Wade Phillips and hire Shanahan STAT. The Cowboys, despite poor coaching, have a solid base and a talented but directionless quarterback in Tony Romo. He wouldn't make them a Super Bowl winner unless they lucked into another superstar, but Dallas has exactly the kind of pre-made roster Shanahan needs to thrive in this league. Now that he's long gone, it seems to be easier to say that we don't care if he succeeds elsewhere anymore. We know he wasn't the coach to rebuild this (or any) team and so bygones be bygones now, Mike.

On a semi-related note (speaking of QBs with no direction) as much as we hate the Raiders it's sad to see how terrible they're going to continue to be. It's much more fun to beat up on Oakland when the Broncos are actually squashing hopes of success instead of just going through the motions of crushing silver-and-black bugs. JaMarcus Russell has somehow degraded from simply the worst starting quarterback in the league to possibly the worst quarterback in the league PERIOD and maybe the worst since...who, Dan McGwire? But old Zombie Al Davis is going to stand by that big waste of space until the tires come off. Oh well, spilled milk.

Jake Plummer update: Still no comeback. Dammit.

Broncos win, Pumpkin Pie loses, Jake Plummer still retired

It's going to be a busy week in the real world, so sorry, we don't have a good update. But the headline gives you all the important news from week 1, right? Jay Cutler lost some respect points--not for throwing four picks in the Bears loss, but for being wishy-washy about whose fault it was in after the game. Jay, seriously. You had a bad game. Acknowledge it, BEFORE you say "WE need to improve."

Kyle Orton played good enough. Sure, it's the second year in a row we've had to rely on a miracle to beat a bad team, but a win's a win and San Diego once again came out of the gates shaky...maybe 8 wins can win this crappy division, and maybe the Broncos can luck their way into 8 wins.

Oh, and Jake Plummer is still retired, sadly. Still, he's doing well from what we gather and that's what matters.

P.S. to a concerned reader: We don't dislike Pat Bowlen, we're just assholes with really big mouths. Sorry about any of that stuff in the past. Cat Bowlen, on the other hand, we see as more

of a tribute than a poke at Mr. Bowlen, so he stays. If you notice, Cat always speaks truth!

Fantasy Football..with LPP is now FREE!

Ok so we have heard that some of you want to join, if it were a free league! Here is your chance, and don't worry cardsfan4life, your $25.00 is coming back to you, the second I'm done writing this post. So it's a free league now. This is way last minute, since the draft is tonight at 8pm. In any event, we ended up with 4 spots open, so here, have at it and join right now, for free! Of course this means, there will be only congratulations sent to you if you win, as opposed to any monetary sum!

Yahoo Fantasy Sports

League ID: 874954

Password: plummer16

and the pic above is an "EXCLUSIVE to LPP" picture of what Jake is currently up to:

(Please do not post or distribute this picture elsewhere, thank you)

Fantasy Football... LPP Style!

Wanna play fantasy football with the best? Ok well then go ahead and stay in the leagues you're already in! However do you want to play with some of the staff of LPP!? Well we've got a surprise treat for you! We have created a points based league for some of our closest friends, but have left 3 spots open for you, yes you, readers of LPP! There is a $25.00 entry fee and the payouts will be:

1st place: $175.00
2nd place:$50.00
3rd place: $25.00

It's a 10 team league, points based only. Live draft scheduled for 8:45pm pacific time, Wednesday Sept 8th. I know that's late, but this was a last minute decision. In order to join, I'll take the first 3 emails received to: gabesmailbox@gmail.com. Of course we'll be expecting the $25.00 entry fee to be sent via paypal prior to the draft. Hurry, because after the first 3 emails, we're closing shop on the league.

Pumpkin Pie no more?!?!?!

"Hello, ladies...who wants a big ol' slice of Sex Pie?"

Yes, dear readers, that is not a Photoshopped image you see above. Who is that suave, Baldwin-esque GQ model flashing the pearly whites and a $30,000 Rolex? It's Pumpkin Pie himself...Jay Cutler! Kissing Suzy Kolber ran an update today that linked to this website. Who knew what a difference a damn haircut (and maybe, just maybe, a little neck tuck) could make?

Hate to say it Broncos fans, but maybe getting out of Denver and into a real urban environment like Chicago actually was a good thing for the guy. Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, Denver's cleaner, better place to live, less crime, high standard of living...fine. We can certainly appreciate life in a slightly quieter city, but let's face it, Frank Sinatra didn't sing no songs about Denver. Besides, if you need any more proof that Jay Cutler's personal life has already changed for the better, let us produce Exhibit B:

We rest our case. Thank you and goodnight.

Cat Bowlen comments on that last game

It's just preseason. It's just preseason. It's just preseason.

C'mon Kyle, hit MickeyD with the helmet. You know you want to.

Brandon Marshall is a whining little baby.

The saga continues for Brandon Marshall. Now he's acting like an immature dick on the field as well as off, and the Denver Broncos are sick of it. They've suspended him indefinitely for the preseason, but will now have even more trouble trading him for anything valuable. B-Marsh's transformation from mere flake to full-on rectal tumor is complete, and few teams really want to inject themselves with cancer like that--especially since Marshall is in his walk year.

The Broncos, knowing they have little chance at Super Bowl glory anyway, are between a rock and a hard place. Trade him for junk? Not an option. They don't want to hand him over to a contender like, say, New England or New York because he'd magically shape up like Randy Moss and eventually, history paints the Broncos as the team that made a terrible, terrible trade.

Suspend him for the season? As much as Denver fans hate a whiner, they hate a losing team far, far more, and benching B-Marsh could bite Josh McDaniels right in his Belichick-cloned ass.

And if they just let Brandon play? Uh...Marshall has already demonstrated the temperament of a nine-year-old who got an old PS2 instead of the Wii he really wanted from Santy Claus. As talented as he may be, sending B-Marsh out to do whatever he feels like doing that Sunday is suicide for a team saddled with Kyle Orton and Chris Simms, who may be competent QB's but aren't miracle workers.

It's going to be a long, strange year for Broncos fans, especially with this drunk-driving, woman-beating, thug-taunting, trade-demanding lil' whiner on board. Considering how things went with Cutler, it's surprising Bowlen hasn't given B-Marsh the same treatment and shipped him out. Or maybe that's exactly why they haven't traded him.

Either way, WOO-HOO! GO BRONCOS! SUPER BOWL BAYBEEEEE!!!

Kyle Orton did what now?

This is too good to be true. Apparently Kyle Orton, he of the NeckBeard, tossed an INT against the Seahawks in this weekend's pre-season game.

Oh, did we forget to mention he did it left-handed?

A lot of so-called Denver "fans" decided to roll their eyes and bring up good old Jake "The Snake" Plummer's infamous lefty interception against the Chiefs and are assuming Orton's pale imitation spells doom for the Broncos this year. We say NAY! (or NEIGH, if you like.) If anything this is a sign of greater things to come for Orton. Sure, his beard is nothing next to Plummer's. We've been through all that. And of course, a lot of critics are saying "Orton's arm strength has been unimpressive." Bah. Arm strength? If you want arm strength, 41-year-old NFL washout Jeff George probably has a stronger arm than 90% of the league's current QBs. We want WINS!

Why does Orton's lefty pick give us hope? Well, for the smartasses who like to reach back and make an unflattering Plummer comparison, let's just set the record straight. After Jake's southpaw INT--including the game in question--all Jake did was post up a record of 23 wins and 13 losses over the next two seasons, including the last Denver playoff victory (against Tom Brady and the Patriots, no less.) If Orton puts up that kind of winning percentage this year it will be the single greatest performance by a Denver QB since John Elway took some terrible offensive rosters into multiple Super Bowls back in the 80s (though the current Denver defense would have to perform some kind of miracle to be as good as the Dan Reeves glory years D.)

So while we still consider Kyle Orton the Lesser Beard, we do at least have a glimmer of hope that he can be successful. While Pumpkin Pie takes his arm strength to Chicago to throw to a bunch of Raider-esque scrub wideouts, Orton can toss to guys like Eddie Royal and Brandon (Why is he still here?) Marshall. We think things will even out, even though we'd really rather be watching the Broncos...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Cat Bowlen comments on Brett Favre's "surprise" comeback

Pumpkin Pie says Denver fans suck

Jay Cutler wants the world to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, Broncos fans are a "6" and Bears fans are a "9".

Just so you know, John Elway gives Broncos fans a "10".

Brian Griese gives them a "4".

And Jake Plummer?




Uh, Jake says Broncos fans are number one!

Cat Bowlen addresses the Michael Vick situation.

Thanks to Cat for making sure the team's position is clear even though the Broncos signing Mike Vick is about as likely as Mick Vick actually growing a soul. Yeah, that's right, f*** you, Michael Vick! And if you think "oh, he served his time, oh, you guys are haters, oh, you guys are punks, oh you guys are stupid because animals mean less than humans..." F*** you too.

You think Michael Vick is being treated unfairly? Imagine the best pet you ever had; a dog, a cat, a bird, a ferret, a rabbit...

Think of all the good memories of that favorite pet.

Think of how cute and interesting it was.

Think of how much you loved it.

Now imagine Michael Vick taking your pet and tossing it into a dogfight ring with two vicious, starving, mad pitbulls who proceed to tear your pet to shreds within an inch of its life.

Then imagine Michael Vick calling off the pitbulls and beating your beloved pet with a bat until it's barely breathing.

Then Michael Vick picks up your bloody pet by the neck and sticks its head into a bucket of water until it stops moving.

Then Michael Vick drags your pet's limp form over to a cement step and bashes its head into the concrete until its brain is totally destroyed.

Then Michael Vick puts your beloved pet in a bag and buries him in the back lawn of his property.

If that doesn't piss you off even a little, you have no heart, brain, or soul. And that's before we tell you to multiply your pet's experience by about a hundred. So f*** Mike Vick, and f*** any team that hires him. Think Michael Vick deserves to go back to the same profession? If he did this at McDonalds or Apple or Disneyland, he wouldn't get another shot at the same company. Hell, if Michael Vick was just some average Joe Schmoe who moved into your neighborhood and you found out he was an ex-con and what he was in for, you wouldn't even want your kids walking across the street from his house, would you? And before you lie, NO, you wouldn't.

By the by, f*** you, Tony Dungy, for agreeing to "mentor" this 29-year-old violent sociopath like he's a 12-year-old. Go save someone who matters beyond TV ratings, Tony. Go volunteer at the Boys & Girls Club or something. And f*** you, Roger Goodell, for giving an animal murderer a lighter sentence than the guys who get busted for performance enhancers...no amount of spin can change the facts of Vick's case, just like no amount of influence with ESPN (The Worldwide Leader in NFL Ass-Kissers) can erase the fact that Ben Roethlisberger, the blue-collar leader of the new "America's Team" at the VERY LEAST had an awkward, ill-advised fling with a slightly crazy and slightly horse-faced hotel employee and AT WORST...raped her.

Look...we love football but the NFL and especially Goodell is trying way too hard to squash and smooth over image problems instead of trying to prevent them from happening in the first place. Be transparent, dummies. Every time you do something shady, like "suggest" (aka threaten) to ESPN to hold off on what may be a non-story (if you don't believe this is exactly what happened with Big Ben, you're a sad mental case) or destroy the Spygate tapes, you damage the integrity of the league. Even more than the competent--but far from legendary, as many would have you believe--Paul Tagliabue...Roger Goodell is a BEAN COUNTER. He doesn't give a rat's ass about the integrity of the game (not that there's all THAT much), the livelihoods of the players, or the feelings of the fans. Goodell's mission is plain and simple: enable as much profit for the owners as humanly possible no matter what the players, coaches, and fans say or do.

David Stern and Bud Selig aren't exactly great commissioners. However, at the end of the day you can look at those two and know they genuinely love their game and respect it to at least a certain degree. Goodell? Love and respect? Only for the Almighty Dollar.

Anyway, we originally intended to just post Cat Bowlen's pic and call it a day, but we let too long go between postings and needed to vent. Also, Jake Plummer still RULES and we'd have him back before Brett Favre any day of the week.

Our Role In The Brandon Marshall Saga--And Bowlen's Response

We here at LPP are somewhat surprised at how quickly the Brandon Marshall situation has unraveled, especially since our rant from not too long ago (two posts down, of course.) We'd like to think that maybe, just maybe...we had something to do with it. Maybe B-Marsh saw our blog and realized that we, among all Broncos fans, speak with the clearest and most logical voices. Maybe Broncos ownership realized they had a potential disaster on their hands if they let this go any longer and decided to be proactive. Maybe you should all give us props.

BIG UPS TO US! WE MADE THIS HAPPEN!

Well, at least we think we did. Because just this afternoon we received a message from an NFL icon you just might have heard of. That's right, only an icon whose name happens to rhyme with "Stat Stolen" who is about to give this humble website the FINAL WORD on the B-Marsh saga (at least until he's actually traded.)

You know of whom we speak...

Ladies and gentlemen...

The BIG MAN HIMSELF...


...

CAT BOWLEN

Brandon Marshall requests a trade? Good.

Word around the campfire is that Brandon Marshall is requesting a trade. The Broncos' recent signing of Brandon Lloyd (who will never be confused with B-Marsh talent-wise) may be preemptive roster filling in anticipation of such a thing. We here at LPP would like to say something to the Broncos regarding this trade request...


DO IT.

Please jettison Marshall. He no longer wants to be a Bronco and real Broncos fans should not want a woman-choking, drunk-driving, dumb-shit-doing, contract-ignoring jerk like this around anymore.

And fellow fans, whatever you do don't get scared of Brandon leaving and putting up 110 catches, 1,400 yards and 20 TDs with another team. Look--it's going to happen. He very well may put up insane numbers. Just not in Denver, sad to say. As Austin Powers would say, that train has sailed. You think Randy Moss would have put up those sick numbers in 2007 if he had still been a Raider? Hell and No. However, there's no need to trade B-Marsh where he can thrive.

Send him to Detroit.