Attention Presidential Hopefuls!

While LetPlummerPlay.com has yet to endorse a candidate from the Republocrat or Demican parties, we would still like to contribute to the process. As we all know, America's not in the best shape it's ever been.

Oh sure, it's still a great place to live. Where else can you get chili fries, porn, prescription drugs, and a mango Slurpee at 2:30 am on a Tuesday--all within a two-mile radius if not all at the same store? Where, we ask? But the economy's taken a dive what with interest rates tanking, home after home being foreclosed upon, and tax breaks favoring the very corporations who move their profits overseas to outsourced labor. Speaking of interest rates, the 30-year mortgage we've taken out on Iraq has turned into an expensive blood-soaked black eye on our track record. We've barely touched Ground Zero. We never caught Bin Laden. The Euro, Yen, and whatever the Chinese use for money is stomping the dollar the way Elway used to stomp Cleveland. America needs a change.

Now, it's looking like the presidential race is shaping up to be Obama vs. McCain, and neither man has picked a running mate. Well, we here at LPP have got the perfect man for the job, and you all know who we mean.

Mr. Obama, Mr. McCain...one of you needs Jake Plummer as a Vice President. Think of it: McCain/Plummer. Obama/Plummer. Sound pretty nice, eh? Jake brings all sorts of positives to the table...he's married, he's a former athlete, and he's college-educated. He's used to leading teams and snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. He's honest but elusive. He's handsome but dignified. He can throw a football sixty-five yards.

Are the religious nutjobs giving you grief? He'll grow a beard in October, and by November, which candidate will look like Jesus is standing right beside him and smiling? The candidate with the smarts to pick Jake Plummer, that's who! Are you looking to please the bleeding heart liberals? Let him pull up in a 4-year-old Honda Element to prove he's not wasteful or flashy.

Jake won't end up in a scandal. He won't be taking bribes from corporate cronies, or appointing Jason Elam to Secretary of State, or tapping a code with his foot in a men's restroom. He's happily married to a very camera-friendly blonde former cheerleader (isn't that the American Dream, dammit?) And above all else, who wouldn't want to see a politician called "Snake" as a compliment for once?

A side note to Hilary Clinton: You messed up, lady. If you'd promised America four years of Clinton/Plummer from the get-go, Obama wouldn't have laid the smack down. You'd be sitting pretty with a 49-state advantage (you wouldn't have won Massachussetts. They hate Jake for that perfect record against Tom Brady.) Better luck next time.

So Jake, start making phone calls! Throw your hat in the ring! And start prepping for the top spot in 2012! (Jake for President? Dare we dream?) Let's get the Snake on a ticket--any ticket! America, we're asking you to rock the vote and...

LET PLUMMER RUN!!!

If Jake Won't Come Back....

Jack...will you please skip the whole college thing and start for the Broncos this year? Please, pretty please with a Jake Plummer Mcfarlane action figure on top?

A dream date with Pumpkin Pie

"Please ref, blow a whistle! BLOW THE DAMN WHISTLE! HELP!"

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Apparently someone over at Fox Sports thinks Jay Cutler needs a woman. At the bottom of his recent column, John Czarnecki writes:

"I am hoping that Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler has a significant other. Now, that he has been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes he needs someone looking after him.

My wife has had diabetes for the past 25 years and it is a strange disease in that low blood sugar can cause a diabetic to act erratically. There is nothing scarier than watching a diabetic go into insulin shock, putting the patient one step closer to a coma."

Geez, way to make Cutler feel better about this, John. I'm sure it's a genuine sentiment, but Jay's likely thought long and hard about things like insulin shock and (as the writer later mentions) limb amputation. Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend (or does he?) but he does have a family, friends, and an entire football franchise to make sure he doesn't suddenly decide to throw out his insulin and hit Krispy Kreme with a flask of Jim Beam.

With that in mind, we wonder if Jay's found that special woman yet. Are you that special woman? Are you that sexy turkey dinner that won't be complete without a big ol' slice of Pumpkin Pie? Send us an email or drop a comment and tell us why you would be the perfect girl for Jay. Don't worry, we'll accept comments from gay men (or straight men who are just a teeny bit gay for Jay) as well. We're a very progressive blog here.

We can't guarantee you a date with Jay, but we can at least guarantee to spread your words of love all over this web page.

Oh, and if you love Jake Plummer even better! Wait, what a silly thing to say..."if you love Jake"...what were we thinking? Everyone should love Jake Plummer. Only fools do not!

Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie

Well, here's some news we can't really make fun of--Jay Cutler has apparently been diagnosed with Type-1 Diabetes. If you're too lazy to click the Wikipedia link, Type 1 is generally pretty dangerous and can cause a boatload of health problems if untreated. Luckily, it looks like doctors caught it before anything bad happened and Jay apparently just needs regular insulin shots and a healthy diet. As a millionaire professional athlete with access to the best doctors, trainers, and dieticians in North America, Jay should be A-OK as long as he sticks to his regimen. No more getting hammered though, guy. Diabetics can really mess themselves up on the sauce.

Anyway good luck Jay. You've joined a large and fruitful group of diabetic celebrities like Halle Berry, Ty Cobb, Ernest Hemingway, Mikhael Gorbachev, George Lucas, Sugar Ray Robinson (boy, that one's ironic,) Anwar Sadat, Elvis Presley, James Brown, Rick James, and yes, Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. We're sure you'll stick to your treatments and live a very long time.

Just don't use the blood tester on your throwing hand.