Pumpkin Pie does it for the childrens

"You're THAT Bubblegum Tate?"

Despite the name of the site and our allegiance to Jake the Snake, let's be honest here. Jay Cutler is our favorite NFL pastry. Pumpkin Pie continues to enhance his image in our book. Firstly, he's teamed up with the World Famous Harlem Globetrotters (as seen above) to entertain 100 needy childrens from the Pumpkin Pie Foun--uh, we mean Jay Cutler Foundation.

Also as seen above he has not yet cut his hair but we're still crossing our fingers.

He's also helping another child, a famous one--Broncos teammate Brandon Marshall, whose talent and recent off-field exploits are bringing to mind a young Dennis Rodman. After the DUI, the Darrent Williams incident, and now shredding his arm on a broken television (and you have to have some serious momentum to break a TV screen...we tried shattering a monitor with a hammer back when we were stupid kids and it took more effort than you'd assume) Pumpkin Pie essentially said on the record that Brandon needed to stop acting like a dumbshit 15-year-old and start acting like a full-grown professional (not the Pacman Jones kind, either.) He then went on to display some interesting Q-Buds (the precursor to true Q-Balls) by stopping just short of calling out his front office and owner for their recent human resources shenanigans.

"This year, the third year, it's definitely time," Cutler said. "As the quarterback of this team and the leader of the offense I think I should go ahead and take that next step." -- "It's been three years. Obviously my coach isn't going to lead anything but a conga line at this point in his career."

Cutler even felt emboldened enough to make light of Broncos owner Pat Bowlen's recent cry of poverty, NFL style, joking that he had to go out and purchase his own helmet a couple of days ago. -- "It's really too bad the NFL isn't making BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars. I wouldn't want Pat to have to sell one of his private jets or boats."

Although the team hasn't been a big player in the free-agent market this offseason, Cutler said he had faith the Broncos would be competitive. "I think we still need some weapons, but that's not my job. I'm the quarterback and I get the ball and try and get us some touchdowns," Cutler said. -- "Hint, hint coach...give me something better to work with--or better yet just give me SOMETHING to work with."

The quarterback wasn't happy that the Broncos failed to re-sign veteran kicker Jason Elam. "I am a little worried about that," he said. "He's one of the best clutch kickers in the game. Having been here for that long, I was surprised to see them let him go." -- "Great, so apparently the guy responsible for half of my scoring drives and half our wins was expendable? Wonderful. I didn't realize I was still at Vanderbilt."

Thank God Pumpkin Pie got a real education from a real university. Some football-factory quarterback from Texas, USC, or Michigan might not have been properly prepared to face the intellectual chaos we've got here in Denver. Jay has apparently rationalized that his coach and owner are officially tuned out and the only way anything positive is going to happen on the field at Mile High is if the team's best players man-up and act like leaders. Unfortunately, since the other two best players on the offense are B-Marsh and Travis Henry, it's going to have to be a one-Pie show for the time being.

Maybe Jay is up to the task, maybe he's not. But it's a damn positive sign that he's publicly speaking his mind and taking charge. It may not be enough to get the Broncos back in the playoffs this year, but at least they won't be mailing in games like the Dolphins or Rams. That alone might be worth an extra win or two.

An extra win or two could make the difference in a playoff push, by gum. A sneak into the playoffs would almost make up for the severe lack of Jake Plummer in the NFL. But we still hold out hope that the Snake will strap on the pads one last time and someone will...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

(Well, okay. We really don't think that's going to happen. Even Jon Gruden seems to have given up. But stranger things have happened, and hey, Vinnie Testaverde was like 1,000 years old last year. We can wait.)

The power of positive thinking

Lest everyone think we're total "neighsayers" (get it? GET IT?) who have turned on our beloved horsies, Let Plummer Play! presents...

The top 10 reasons why the Denver Broncos will win the Super Bowl this coming season:

10. Donald Rumsfeld (pictured above) will be signed as a lineman, as Shanahan assumes a guy who was Secretary of Defense should be able to play defense as well or better than the sorry squad did last year.

9. Money saved by getting rid of Andrew Mason, Jim Sundquist, the entire PR department, and Jason Elam can be used to bribe Shawne Merriman with 6,000 pounds of steroid-injected raw beef.

8. Jay Cutler will lose a bet in training camp and shave his signature Pumpkin Pie haircut. His field vision will increase by 60% with the horizontal bang line blocking the top of his sight removed and enable him to throw 40 touchdowns.

7. John Elway will be hired as general manager and motivate the entire roster by giving each player a free slightly-used Toyota Corolla.

6. We've sent Jake Plummer a really nice e-mail and he's agreed to lift the voodoo curse he cast upon the team the day Cutler was drafted. Of course, we also have to contact Brian Griese to find out what kind of hex he laid down back in '02.

5. New defensive coordinator Bob Slowik is actually the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi.

4. Shanahan will convince George W. Bush that Sadaam Hussein is actually still alive and living in the New England area.

3. Pat Bowlen has requisitioned 3 more feet of soil, and is renaming the stadium "Invesco Field at Mile and a Yard High" to increase the built-in home-field advantage.

2. Hoping that good things come in threes, Mike Shanahan has entered negotiations with Eli and Peyton Manning's older brother Cooper Manning to replace Javon Walker at wideout.

1. After the 0-3 start, four words: Head Coach Rod Smith.

Andrew Mason gets sacked (the British way.)

In another brilliant personnel move that could save owner Pat Bowlen (pictured above) thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of dollars, Andrew Mason--the webmaster and essentially head online cheerleader of the popular blog pages at the Denver Broncos official website--was let go along with several members of the Broncos public relations staff (the most notable name being Paul Kirk, longtime director of media relations.)

Thank goodness we have such brilliant minds calling the shots in Englewood. The money saved could be used to buy at least six or seven ball-warmers, or maybe sign a few tackling dummies (stick them on the roster...the way both lines played this year, we might improve.) We would also suggest investing in a team hairstylist, mainly for Pumpkin Pie...but we're veering off topic here.

Maybe Andrew Mason never contributed to a victory on the field. Maybe he never made a difference in the final score. Maybe there's not a single Broncos player, coach, or employee who will miss him (and we doubt that's the case.) But Mase was a direct link between the fans and the team in a way that felt--to the thousands of NFL fans who frequented his blog on a daily basis, whether for news, rare insight on team operations, or simply because they enjoyed his easygoing, friendly take on what he saw happening with his favorite team--like they had a friend in the front office. Mason's readers ranged from rabid Broncos fanatics who accepted no criticism of their beloved team to people like, well, the two out of three of us here at LPP who liked to go in and serve up our gripes (LetPlummerPlay and WhiteHoss, pleased to meet you.)

The first excuse given for letting Mase and the PR staff go will be a quick and snappy retort about how bad the economy is doing, and how the Broncos are tightening their belts for tough times.

BULLSHIT.

According to Forbes, the Broncos are the sixth-most valuable and profitable team in the money-monster that is the NFL. Team merchandise rules the American Southwest since the only real competition for fans between Dallas and San Diego is in Arizona, and even people in Arizona only care about the Cardinals because of that shiny new stadium. The NFL is actually one of the few American business that isn't going to get its ass kicked until the economy gets back into shape. If anything, sports provides a welcome distraction to a nation's political and economical woes (don't believe us? Joe Louis practically became a God during the Great Depression, and no one can deny how rabid even--or especially--the most destitute countries go absolutely insane over soccer games.) The Broncos will turn a fat profit this year, just like they have for two decades.

Instead of wiping about two games worth of Cecil Sapp's bonus off the books, how about making some better TEAM decisions instead of trimming the fat in the public relations department? It would seem to me, that now, more than ever, the Broncos are a team in need of some good publicity. They've missed the playoffs two years in a row, their head coach has declined into Saints-era Mike Ditka, and they've wasted millions and millions of dollars over the past five years on BAD TEAM DECISIONS like signing Simeon Rice, or throwing a ton of money at Travis Henry despite obvious character issues, or hiring Jim Bates, or giving Todd Sauerbrun ten cents more than the league minimum, or overpaying Daniel Graham, or giving Ted Sundquist GM pay when the head coach was making all the decisions...and that's just the past two years. Hell, I'll even throw in Jake Plummer as a bad decision, because if you were going to pay him all that money to get the team wins (which he did for the most part) then let the guy play out his contract for what you hired him to do instead of throwing the rookie in just to see what happens (but this isn't about Jake.)

"Andrew Mason did nothing important for the Broncos," was probably the thinking at Broncos HQ. Sure. All he did was connect with the most important part of the team's future--the fans who buy the tickets, pay for Sunday Ticket, and buy the ridiculous amounts of merchandise even if they didn't need it. Who needs Broncos pencil sets and fanny packs? No one--but fans buy it because they WANT it, and anyone who can help instill that sort of loyalty is important to a team. Mase kept his readers focused and positive during even the worst embarrassments. He stayed positive and was always a fan first, offering only the lightest criticism and always encouraging the readers who may have been wavering in their loyalties a bit that sunnier days could be around the corner for the patient fan.

Hell, we'll just come out and say it...Andrew Mason has had more faith in this team over the past two years than the team's f***ing head coach! The "Ultimate Leader" had nothing on Mase's commitment to giving the fans the best football experience possible. And now, he's forwarding resumes in the hopes that some future employer out there recognizes hard work, intelligence, and loyalty as true assets rather than just some number on a budget sheet.

We salute Andrew Mason, Paul Kirk, and all the former employees of the Denver Broncos for their tireless and apparently thankless efforts to keep fans interested in an NFL franchise that had only made the job harder by becoming less and less relevant as the 21st century unfolded. Thanks for the efforts, everyone. We'd love to hire you all here at LetPlummerPlay.com, but our budget's a bit tight this year...and every year. Maybe if you used those first unemployment checks on a T-shirt...

We're sure you'll catch on somewhere, Mase, so good luck in the future from...

LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!

Shanahan passes the buck again -or- Blaming the mailman for bringing your bills

Well, we were wondering who the scapegoat would be this year...and we thought it was just Jim Bates! However word around the ESPN campfire is that Mike Shanahan's Scapegoat Club now has another member. Batesy, Jake Plummer, Brian Griese, and Larry Coyer have been joined by yet another meaningless layer of the Broncos' decision onion..."GM" Ted Sundquist is now unemployed.

We'd like to congratulate the Broncos for taking steps to improve their management team. Perhaps next, instead of firing the yes-man who does the paperwork, maybe the person who was directly responsible for almost every Broncos personnel move for the last 10 years can get the boot. Mike Shanahan is and has always been the shot caller in Denver. Sundquist was just his gofer.

Shanahan: "I want Jake Plummer." Sundquist: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "I don't want Plummer anymore. Draft the best QB available." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Larry Coyer displeases me. I want to hire my buddy Jim." Sunny: "Sure boss!"

Shanny: "Okay, my buddy Jim sucks. Lean on him to step down." Sunny: "Gun or crowbar, boss?"

And so on.

Mike Shanahan has been the man writing checks that his results can't cash. Ted Sundquist? He was just a gleefully willing Mr. Greenjeans the mailman, delivering Shanny's orders with little alteration. We aren't sad to see Sunny go, but for Jake's sakes, can we finally start blaming SHANAHAN for the team's failures???

WHO ELSE IS LEFT???

Still Slow...

"We here at LPP are actually quite fond of Brett Fav-RAH, but still found the following email sent to us entertaining. It is what it is, enjoy." (Oh and we LOVE Marco Matarazzi, so we were a bit offended by that, but oh well.)

Hey man, I got turned on to your site a few months ago and friggin' love it! Well done (well, except for the Materazzi support - that clown's a fucking pig) and keep up the good work!

Anyway, I'm a die-hard Jake the Snake fan since the Rose Bowl (nice defense, ASU, you pussies) and sort of the resident lunatic in the Mighty Bronco newsgroup on Usenet for my unwavering support of Jake. And since they're so damned tired of my diatribes, I thought I'd vent to you guys out of desperation.I've given it enough time and feel that I can now say this in regard to Brett Favre's retirement: Good Fucking Riddance! I'm so goddamned sick of seeing that lucky sonofabitch's highlights.

I see all the shit he pulls out of his ass and say to myself either "Hell, Jake the Snake does that all the time. So what?" or "What bullshit. If Jake had tried to snake that one in there, the WR would have tipped it up for a pick." Jake was truly SnakeBit at times and I am so grateful that Favre's career ended with a horrendous pass that was rightfully picked off. No bullshit tips, no glancing off finger-tips...just a piss-poor decision and throw that bit #4 in the ass. And his running around and jumping like a ten-year old? Give me a break. How many times did we see Jake be the first one to his receiver after a TD pass? Oh, but Favre has a love for the game! Shit, most of those guys he hugged all the time were probably the same ones handing off their Vicodin prescriptions.

If Favre wants to act like a grade-schooler, I got some grade-school smack for him: Jake the Snake rules, Brett Boy drools. Swap them in "There's Something About Mary" and it probably snags an Oscar, what with the porn-stache and all. At least a nomination.Okay. I think I have it out of my system now. That the bounty of unbelievable Luck that permeated Favre's bonehead decisions trumped the derring-do ballsiness of Jake the Snake's play for so long just galls the shit out of me (not to mention the lone ring, but shit, even Brad Johnson and Dilfer have one of those). Thanks for the outlet and I appreciate all your hard work on the site. That photo of Jake's musings on JC and the handball should be blown up into a poster and hand-delivered to Shanny.

aloha
LD

Slow....Slow...Slow

Here's a random email sent to us recently by a Jake fan:


Hello Jake:

Thanks for all the good times, I'll miss you.
I'm behind you in all that you do. You made the right decision to nix the trade deal.
I have a very good feeling that your best football days may be are still ahead. If not, that's OK too.
Have a good rest ( it's well deserved) & good luck in all that you do in life.
Sure Elway was a good one, but you Jake are 2nd to no other not even Elway. Keep the positive attitude & have some more fun.
I've watched you play since your SunDevil Days. Your great sports memories will live forever as near mirracles and fantastic acomplishments.
I know that there were a few other talented players on that Cardinals team but you carried that team on your back like no one else could ever do.
For this, Jake you are truly a NFL hero. And you are an inspiration for many of us.
And even though that Rose Bowl game was not won, it was for me my greatest sports moment. As a long time ASU fan, I watched from the stands that fine day in Pasadena.
You are one of a kind, a truly talented & great quarterback with super normal instincts.I hope you know that!
You must have a very fine family. Your mother sounds like a very wonderful person.
Best Regards to Pat Tillman as well. The spirit (of Pat) never dies. You 2 guys are really something else.
I know that there are many others that also feel the same as I. You are revered!

Thanks Again,
Don (from PHX, AZ)

ESPN is either spineless or stupid

Over the past week or two, ESPN and most other national sports outlets have been concentrating on the Roger Clemens case. This is only natural. Roger Clemens is widely considered to be one of the greatest individual players in baseball history and has won two World Series rings with the New York Yankees in 1999 and 2000. Keep this in mind as we go on.

The Patriots "Spygate" scandal is pretty well known. The Patriots were accused by the Jets of illegally taping signals during their first matchup of 2007. After NFL commissioner Roger Goodell saw the evidence and decided that the Patriots had indeed broken the rules, he had all evidence destroyed. Imagine that. Can you think of any incriminating scandal, whether in the business world or in politics, where all evidence was intentionally destroyed by the ruling committee rather than stored for posterity or future review? The Warren Report still exists. So do the Watergate tapes. And if you think we're being overly dramatic, the Pete Rose evidence is still on record with Major League Baseball...and Pete was banned even though no evidence exists that his gambling affected his management/playing decisions; i.e. it neither gave him an advantage nor a handicap on the field.

So you may recall that just prior to the 2008 Super Bowl, a former employee claimed that the Patriots had illegally taped a walkthrough (essentially the first20 or so planned plays of the game) by the opposing Rams just before the Patriots won their first Super Bowl in 2002. Since the Super Bowl was a week away, it was picked up and overblown by the media. Then the Patriots lost, order was restored, and the media ceased to care because 18-1 is a far cry from 19-0.

But Senator Arlen Specter raised a little noise, wondering just how rampant cheating really is in the NFL, and why there were no farther-reaching consequences for the Patriots outside of money (admittedly a large but far from crippling fine to Belichick and the organization) and a draft pick. He also questioned the destruction of the evidence.
Lest we think this is a waste of our tax dollars...well, it sort of is. But look at it from this angle. The Patriots have defeated a lot of teams in the playoffs, and we'll focus on the cities or areas: Indianapolis, San Diego, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Carolina, Pittsburgh. If the other guys win those games, do not the local economies occupied by each team stand to profit in the millions of dollars, either from further playoff games or the simple reputation of having a champion NFL team? Don't these franchises all have to make multi-million-dollar decisions based on the season's final outcome, with failure to reach a championship being one of the top reasons to change rosters, coaches, and gameplans, at great cost? So isn't it unfair if one team has an advantage that the rulebook specifically dictates they should not?

So in the last 24 hours it's come out that Bill Belichick told Roger Goodell (who told Arlen Specter) months ago that the Patriots had been regularly creating illegal practice and game tapes of other teams since 2000...meaning that they had been cheating for over seven years. Here's what ESPN.com currently has on its front page regarding this:

NOTHING.

Not one sentence. Last night, you could find this information contained within another article, with the headline "Goodell: No regrets about Spygate" or some nonsense, like that was the story. Incredible. Maybe ESPN is afraid of pissing off their biggest cash cow?

The Patriots have won 3 of the last 7 Super Bowls. There is no doubt that they are the team of the decade, barring a Giants three-peat (yeah, sure.) If Belichick broke the rules for seven years, he had to think that the information he'd gained was useful. Did other teams break this rule? Possibly, but none so blatantly and stupidly as the Patriots.

If you had a good idea of what the other team was going to do in its first 3-4 sets of downs each game (which is what a walkthrough generally practices) isn't that like having a set of hints? Isn't it an advantage? So why is it not a bigger deal than baseball players using steroids...they're only one person out of a 25-man roster and if it was a league-wide problem, no one team should have had an advantage! Yet steroids in baseball are a Congressional embarrassment.

Meanwhile, in football, steroids are an afterthought and cheating by a coach is clumsily swept under the rug...and somehow it seems to be working! Where's the scandal? Where's the fury? Where is anyone who cares? Frankly, we at LPP are disgusted.

However, in all of this, there was one QB that Bill Belichick could never beat no matter how many practices he taped, no matter how many signals he stole...because you can't predict what an improvisational genius is going to do in advance!
That's right. Even Belicheat could never topple JAKE "THE SNAKE" PLUMMER. At least we'll always have that, even as the NFL refuses to investigate unless Congressmen tell them to and will never put any asterisks next to any Patriots wins and will never ban Bill Belichick for life the way baseball banned Pete Rose.

Even if you taped what he did a thousand times, you'd never see how the Snake was going to beat you until his coach...
LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!