Attention Presidential Hopefuls!

While LetPlummerPlay.com has yet to endorse a candidate from the Republocrat or Demican parties, we would still like to contribute to the process. As we all know, America's not in the best shape it's ever been.

Oh sure, it's still a great place to live. Where else can you get chili fries, porn, prescription drugs, and a mango Slurpee at 2:30 am on a Tuesday--all within a two-mile radius if not all at the same store? Where, we ask? But the economy's taken a dive what with interest rates tanking, home after home being foreclosed upon, and tax breaks favoring the very corporations who move their profits overseas to outsourced labor. Speaking of interest rates, the 30-year mortgage we've taken out on Iraq has turned into an expensive blood-soaked black eye on our track record. We've barely touched Ground Zero. We never caught Bin Laden. The Euro, Yen, and whatever the Chinese use for money is stomping the dollar the way Elway used to stomp Cleveland. America needs a change.

Now, it's looking like the presidential race is shaping up to be Obama vs. McCain, and neither man has picked a running mate. Well, we here at LPP have got the perfect man for the job, and you all know who we mean.

Mr. Obama, Mr. McCain...one of you needs Jake Plummer as a Vice President. Think of it: McCain/Plummer. Obama/Plummer. Sound pretty nice, eh? Jake brings all sorts of positives to the table...he's married, he's a former athlete, and he's college-educated. He's used to leading teams and snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. He's honest but elusive. He's handsome but dignified. He can throw a football sixty-five yards.

Are the religious nutjobs giving you grief? He'll grow a beard in October, and by November, which candidate will look like Jesus is standing right beside him and smiling? The candidate with the smarts to pick Jake Plummer, that's who! Are you looking to please the bleeding heart liberals? Let him pull up in a 4-year-old Honda Element to prove he's not wasteful or flashy.

Jake won't end up in a scandal. He won't be taking bribes from corporate cronies, or appointing Jason Elam to Secretary of State, or tapping a code with his foot in a men's restroom. He's happily married to a very camera-friendly blonde former cheerleader (isn't that the American Dream, dammit?) And above all else, who wouldn't want to see a politician called "Snake" as a compliment for once?

A side note to Hilary Clinton: You messed up, lady. If you'd promised America four years of Clinton/Plummer from the get-go, Obama wouldn't have laid the smack down. You'd be sitting pretty with a 49-state advantage (you wouldn't have won Massachussetts. They hate Jake for that perfect record against Tom Brady.) Better luck next time.

So Jake, start making phone calls! Throw your hat in the ring! And start prepping for the top spot in 2012! (Jake for President? Dare we dream?) Let's get the Snake on a ticket--any ticket! America, we're asking you to rock the vote and...

LET PLUMMER RUN!!!

If Jake Won't Come Back....

Jack...will you please skip the whole college thing and start for the Broncos this year? Please, pretty please with a Jake Plummer Mcfarlane action figure on top?

A dream date with Pumpkin Pie

"Please ref, blow a whistle! BLOW THE DAMN WHISTLE! HELP!"

-

Apparently someone over at Fox Sports thinks Jay Cutler needs a woman. At the bottom of his recent column, John Czarnecki writes:

"I am hoping that Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler has a significant other. Now, that he has been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes he needs someone looking after him.

My wife has had diabetes for the past 25 years and it is a strange disease in that low blood sugar can cause a diabetic to act erratically. There is nothing scarier than watching a diabetic go into insulin shock, putting the patient one step closer to a coma."

Geez, way to make Cutler feel better about this, John. I'm sure it's a genuine sentiment, but Jay's likely thought long and hard about things like insulin shock and (as the writer later mentions) limb amputation. Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend (or does he?) but he does have a family, friends, and an entire football franchise to make sure he doesn't suddenly decide to throw out his insulin and hit Krispy Kreme with a flask of Jim Beam.

With that in mind, we wonder if Jay's found that special woman yet. Are you that special woman? Are you that sexy turkey dinner that won't be complete without a big ol' slice of Pumpkin Pie? Send us an email or drop a comment and tell us why you would be the perfect girl for Jay. Don't worry, we'll accept comments from gay men (or straight men who are just a teeny bit gay for Jay) as well. We're a very progressive blog here.

We can't guarantee you a date with Jay, but we can at least guarantee to spread your words of love all over this web page.

Oh, and if you love Jake Plummer even better! Wait, what a silly thing to say..."if you love Jake"...what were we thinking? Everyone should love Jake Plummer. Only fools do not!

Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie

Well, here's some news we can't really make fun of--Jay Cutler has apparently been diagnosed with Type-1 Diabetes. If you're too lazy to click the Wikipedia link, Type 1 is generally pretty dangerous and can cause a boatload of health problems if untreated. Luckily, it looks like doctors caught it before anything bad happened and Jay apparently just needs regular insulin shots and a healthy diet. As a millionaire professional athlete with access to the best doctors, trainers, and dieticians in North America, Jay should be A-OK as long as he sticks to his regimen. No more getting hammered though, guy. Diabetics can really mess themselves up on the sauce.

Anyway good luck Jay. You've joined a large and fruitful group of diabetic celebrities like Halle Berry, Ty Cobb, Ernest Hemingway, Mikhael Gorbachev, George Lucas, Sugar Ray Robinson (boy, that one's ironic,) Anwar Sadat, Elvis Presley, James Brown, Rick James, and yes, Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. We're sure you'll stick to your treatments and live a very long time.

Just don't use the blood tester on your throwing hand.

Copy Cat Crime!

"Anyone seen Travis? He said he'd be back in 15 minutes. Yesterday."

Since we have received a couple of comments in addition to several emails regarding a Jay Cutler tribute video on YouTube, we felt it only right to respond...officially. We have absolutely nothing to do with the video labeling Jay as fat on YouTube, to date we have never even made a Jay Cutler video and after watching the video, felt obliged to show what a nice guy Jay really is.

Therefore we have posted the above picture of Jay holding baby Jude as proof. We don't hate you Jay and we curse whoever made that video because, well, it just wasn't any good.

LetPlummerPlay.com's 2008 Celebrity NFL Draft Hot Tub Party

Maybe this won't happen as much this year.

The Broncos actually played it safe in this years NFL Draft, taking OL Ryan Clady from Boise State with their first round pick. Clady is supposed to be pretty good and best of all for him, he won't have to memorize a new mascot. Maybe Shanny still has a few brain cells left, as we'll actually defend any decision that looks to improve the paper-thin lines on both sides of the ball. Of course the Denver Post criticized the decision, saying that the Broncos might have been better off taking Jonathan Stewart, a bruising RB from Oregon. We think they're better off with taking a shot at improving the line, but honestly, what do we know?

We here at LPP only care about NCAA football for what it is: the NFL's overrated minor league that gets hyped for three reasons: 1: Gambling 2: The NFL Draft 3: Gambling. We don't remember any college player's name except when ESPN gushes all over them...not to put down anyone who made a college team, but we feel the same way about NCAA basketball: it exists to make money for the school, stimulate gambling, and produce pros. On a national scale, that's all. Yes. That's ALL.

On a smaller and personal scale sure, school pride is nice and all but the games? They're just ticketed, televised sporting events from which rich old white guys get richer...kind of like the pros, yes, but at least in the pros the players are fairly compensated for their services. Also, for the most part rosters consist of the best of the best (Even the 2007 Miami Dolphins would destroy 2007 LSU. Sad but true.)

College (non-athlete version) is for getting a piece of paper that improves your resume, making connections which make said paper irrelevant, and learning how to handle your booze. College does not exist for hating a different college in the same region just because they wear blue and you wear green, and they're a "U" and you're a "State." NCAA games are fun, but it's no different than watching NCAA baseball or hockey...except that those two sports are ten times more difficult to successfully wager upon than football and basketball, therefore fewer people care. (Our humble opinion...well, that and no one watches hockey anymore and most baseball players don't get really good until they're at least 23-24, and many of the best hockey players come in as teenagers, and college baseball uses metal bats, and...let's face it, you REALLY have to like those sports to get into anything but the pro versions.)

So there you have LPP's 2008 NFL Draft report. Now go wait for Grand Theft Auto 4 to come out. That violence should tide you over until the preseason starts.

I'm Growing Out My Hair!

Hey, it's not like the Nuggets are providing any entertainment.