NFL Predictions Part II

These teams get no respect. And with good reason.

For the four of you that read it (including our staff,) it's time to continue...

LETPLUMMERPLAY.COM's 2008-09 NFL PREVIEW!

PART II - NFC SOUTH AND NFC WEST

NFC SOUTH
Quick intro: We here at LPP figure that no division in football gets as little respect as the NFC South. Mostly because Dallas should be in this division but during realignment Jerry Jones threatened to sue the NFL if the Cowboys got taken out of the NFC East. This would have cut out their high-profile NY, Philly, and DC visits and Jerry can't live without that media attention. Unfortunately, the decision sealed the fate of the NFC South as a crappy, second-rate division full of afterthoughts. There's a Super Bowl champion from this decade who still gets second-rate status in their own state behind the very-much HAS-BEEN FRANCHISE that is the Dolphins (Tampa Bay.) There's a team most people simply forget unless they're Sunday's opponent, even though they represented the NFC in the Super Bowl not five years ago (Carolina.) There's a team that sits in the 9th biggest city in America that people only care about because their last quarterback tortured and killed a bunch of dogs (guess who?) Finally, there's a team that may only still be in its host city because Mother Nature nearly wiped half the state off of the map (New Orleans...remember the "Los Angeles Saints" rumors? We do.) That's pretty sad.

TERMINUS
Atlanta, while big, is just an overgrown small town in a sweaty, sweaty region of the country. Just thought we'd get that out there. Michael Vick is still locked up for the time being, so the biggest star on the team is probably...um...Jason Elam? They also picked up Michael Turner, which should finally determine if he's really a big-time back or if San Diego's O-line had just been really generous when he subbed for LT. Atlanta's going to suck this year. If you're a fan of theirs, deal with it. Not to sound depressing, but if you're a fan of Atlanta in any sport you're probably used to suffering. Worst of all, you don't even get the sympathy that Boston and Chicago fans get when their teams suck for long periods of time. But you whine about it less, so f*** those bitchy cities. We feel you, Atlanta. Even if we'll never visit you except as an airport layover.
Fantasy Focus: RB Michael Turner; K Jason "Monday Night Jihad" Elam.

A PANTHER IS JUST A BIG PUSSY...CAT
Ho-hum. Carolina never seems to know what kind of team they've got. A contender? A pretender? "Ah, who cares?" they say. "Let's just throw Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith out there and see what happens." We really believe this is the heart and soul of Panthers football. The only reason this franchise stays afloat is because the South is batshit-crazy for football. If there was no NFL team the fans would all sit in the parking lot with portable TVs and tailgate all Sunday anyway. Even if the Panthers are good--even if they're a Super Bowl contender--who cares? We're about as excited to see what Carolina's going to do this year as we are about having to get yearly prostate exams after age 35. On that note, we'll just move on.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense (except for the Saints games); WR Steve Smith

MARDI (GRAS) BALL
The most exciting team in the NFC South--again--are the good old Saints. Drew Brees is a fantasy beast, Reggie Bush gets reamed for his light rushing while racking up receptions, and they've got some dynamic receivers. They even picked up that jackass Jeremy Shockey from the Giants, so now they have a media-hungry dick on the team to divert attention away from Bush and Brees. And oh yeah, their defense couldn't keep a 5-year-old away from a cookie jar. So we'll be seeing a lot of "38-31"-type of scores. Hopefully for the Saints, they'll be on that "38" end. They have the offensive horses; it's the on other side of scrimmage that they stumble. Still, there are only two teams with a real chance to make playoff noise in this division; the Saints are one of them. (Broncos fans...get ready for a shootout at Invesco on 9/21.)
Fantasy Focus: Most of the offensive starters, but count on RB Bush missing 2-3 games minimum and take injury-riddled TE Shockey at your own risk.

JAKE WUZ ROBBED
The Tampa Bay Fake Raiders do come in with decent expectations. But we still hate them for hijacking half of Jake Plummer's rightful money like it was a SALARY instead of a a BONUS given by Denver years ago. You think we forgot? F*** you, Fake Raiders! Anyway, Larry Coyer (thanks again, Shanahan) should again be able to put together a top ten defense. It's the offense that sometimes forgets to show up. It's like a reverse New Orleans! The receivers are over the hill, the running backs are tough, serviceable, and injury-prone, and they usually carry eight or nine quarterbacks, even though a healthy Jeff Garcia is really the only one that's any good (and he's usually not 100% healthy.) Unfortunately for Jake supporters like ourselves, Tampa's got the best chance of winning this division simply because they're the only team that plays consistently solid defense. However, we are happy enough with the karmic knowledge that no matter what happens, this team ain't winning a Super Bowl this year. Nor for the next 20 years.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, WR Joey Galloway

LPP's Predicted Standings:
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: 9-7 (wins tiebreaker)
TAMPA BAY BUCCAFAKERAIDERNEERS: 9-7
CAROLINA PANTHERS: 7-9
ATLANTA FALCONS: 4-12

NFC WEST
THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN?
The NFC West is as big of a mess as its AFC counterpart. Three teams with low expectations and murky futures and one good-but-not-great team. In the NFC West, that one team is the Seattle Seahawks. To further muddle things, Seattle doesn't even look as good this year. Shaun Alexander, perhaps the best player in team history, is gone after a steep two-year decline. The current RB situation features his former backup Maurice "Definitely Not Mercury" Morris and Julius Jones, the former backup in Dallas. Matt Hasselbeck's lingering injuries are popping up again. They have a crop of solid #3 receivers and no #1. Their defense is efficient but occasionally disappears. Seattle is our prediction for Biggest Disappoinment Team (NFC) this year, which is sad because poor Seattle already lost the SuperSonics and the Mariners stink. Still, the Seahawks may end up atop the NFC West, simply because Mike Holmgren is a pretty darn good coach (despite looking like a walrus with a thyroid problem) and the rest of this division is stunningly bad.
Fantasy Focus: QB Matt Hasslebeck, if he plays; The Defense--pick and choose your matchups, though.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The Rams probably think they have a good chance to turn their franchise around from last year's pathetic 3-13 record and actually make a run. Well, they're wrong, at least about the "make a run" part. St. Louis does look to improve, however. If Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger can avoid getting steamrolled and play 13-16 games, the Rams can put a ton of points on the board pretty quick. Unfortunately, they're the poor man's Saints--their offense isn't as good and their defense is even worse. To top it off, they have to get through the entire NFC East and the Patriots before November even starts. That's not a good thing, especially for team morale. If they can get lucky here and there, maybe catch a few teams off guard, and avoid losing the entire offense to injury again, they might have a very outside chance at the Wild Card. But we're talking way, way, outside chance, like if 8-8 is good enough to get in.
Fantasy Focus: If healthy? QB Marc Bulger; RB Steven Jackson; WR Torry Holt

JERRY RICE ISN'T WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR
The 49ers have fallen a long way since the glory days of Montana, Rice, Young, Watters, and Craig. Hell, they've fallen a long way since T.O. and Garcia. Something just seems like it's never going to work again there, which is a shame for one of the NFL's former shining lights. The QB situation is a mess, and there's a bunch of #2's stuffed in WR (which is at least better than Seattle's All-#3 team.) Frank Gore is a beast of a runner though, assuming he doesn't get hurt, which you can't assume. The defense will continue to crumble under heavy pressure. To sum up, the Niners are not going anywhere for the time being and should be crossing their fingers for one hell of a draft pick next year. 6-10 is a reasonable goal. 7-9 would be a miracle. 9-7 or better? Check for locusts and keep an eye on your firstborn children.
Fantasy Focus: RB Frank Gore and nothing more.

JAKE PLUMMER'S GREATEST MIRACLE
We can't let a mention of the Arizona Cardinals go by without reminding our readers that the one playoff win, the one bright moment in this teams' long and miserable last 20 years, came from the arm of Jake "The Snake" Plummer. So what about this year? Well, they finished 8-8 last year, which can be taken one of two ways: Either they played over their heads and toughed out an unlikely .500 season or their competition was so bad that anything worse than .500 would have been embarrassing. We'll go with the former (surprising, considering the franchise.) Arizona might just be on the way up although their defense is still a work-in-progress and they can't get enough of former All-Pro running backs that roll into town five years past their prime. There's also a question mark at quarterback, where the choices are astoundingly odd. Do you go with Kurt Warner, a proven vet with way too many miles on the meter whose reputation mostly rides on his old St. Louis powerhouse offense anyway? Or do you turn the keys over to Matt Leinart, who slowly but surely is looking less and less like a golden boy prospect and more and more like a guy who's overwhelmed despite being given receivers that Jay Cutler would eat a bowl of dry Kool-Aid powder to get on his team? Either way, they picked the right division in which to roll the dice. No 16-0 juggernauts here, thank you very much. Semi-Bold Prediction: Arizona's winning the division. And getting murdered in the playoffs. (One step at a time...)
Fantasy Focus: WR Larry Fitzgerald; WR Anquan Boldin

LPP's Predicted Standings:
ARIZONA CARDINALS: 9-7
ST. LOUIS RAMS: 7-9
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: 7-9
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS:5-11

Stay tuned...the AFC East and Central will be coming up soon.