NFL Predictions Part III

Ten years ago, these graphics would have made you poop yourself.

And now, the saga continues in:

LETPLUMMERPLAY.COM 's 2008-09 NFL PREVIEW

EPISODE III...AFC EAST/AFC NORTH

AFC EAST
CHEATERS OCCASIONALLY PROSPER
Let's just face it. The Patriots are going to plow through the regular season again. An unprecedented second 16-0 season isn't really that unthinkable. Barring catastrophic injury they'll end up 14-2 at worst...and in that case New England's die hard fans (loyal since 2001!) will find a way to complain and draw attention to their woes. The Pats aren't perfect, mind you (thank God.) They can be pushed around by a tougher team. So it's too bad for the rest of us that they're in the AFC East and don't have to deal with that for a minimum of 6 games a year. Even more light and fluffy is that their NFC schedule goes through the pathetic NFC West. Those two factors add up to ten near-guaranteed wins! Circle these three games: @ San Diego, @ Indianapolis, home vs. Pittsburgh. Seriously, those are the only three games in which the Patriots should be favored by less than double digits. And yes, unfortunately that's counting the Denver game.
Fantasy Focus: QB Achilles the Mighty, WR Dog It If I Don't Like My Situation, WR Blue Collar White Guy Who Gets Too Much Homer Love...oops, we mean, Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Wes Welkah. And the Defense.

IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
Buffalo's a rough team to cheer for. We'll give its fans credit for sticking by them through ups and downs. Naturally, ownership and the NFL is going to repay the city by whoring the team out to Toronto to try and get more money (and grease the wheels for an eventual relocation.) Well, that's capitalism for you...and that's worked out real good for our gas pumps and real estate over the past few years, hasn't it? Hey, it's better than China. Anyway, other than Marshawn Lynch the Bills don't have a whole lot of positives this year. All we can say is: Hit Brady at the knees, fellas.
Fantasy Focus: RB Marshawn "Ambience" Lynch

GOING OUT LIKE MONTANA
And by that we mean both famous Montanas, Joe and Tony. Like Joe Montana before him, Brett Favre goes from a perennial contender to a somewhat lesser team that gets to bask in the dimming twilight of Brett's Hall of Fame career. And like Tony Montana before him, Brett's going to come out guns blazing before getting his ass blown away. The New York Jets of New Jersey couldn't protect Chad Pennington; Brett will likely be equally hounded. He won't have an easy opening schedule either...the Jets face the Parcells-revamped Dolphins, the Patriots, then the Chargers in weeks 1-3. The schedule gets easier after that, but the Jets are still a mysterious lump of clay. If nothing else, Favre getting through all 16 games without getting pummelled into a real forced retirement with a permanent limp...that would be victory enough.
Fantasy Focus: QB Brett Fav-ruh, RB Thomas Jones, WR Jerricho Cotchery

TUNA IS BETTER WITH DOLPHIN
The Miami Dolphins may finally have their act together. Oh they won't challenge for a division title, but at least with Bill Parcells aboard, they are considerably less of a joke than they've been for the past decade. The roster is such a mess that Ricky Williams is considered an important piece...but maybe they've finally got him under control (you know, just like Todd Marinovich!) They have a bunch of intruiging pieces, including their new Coach Tony Soprano...uh, Sparano, and a reasonably easy schedule outside of the fact that New England gets two free punches at them. A Super Bowl prediction would be insane, but .500 in the AFC East is kooky but doable. Not saying it'll happen, but it's doable.
Fantasy Focus: Good question.

LPP's Predicted Standings:
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: 15-1
NEW YORK JETS: 8-8
BUFFALO/TORONTO BILLS: 6-10
MIAMI DOLPHINS: 6-10

AFC NORTH
THAT'S SO RAVEN
It sounds odd to say about any division featuring the Baltimore Ravens, but the AFC North may be the most entertaining overall division in the NFL this year. True, the Ravens have yet to fully grasp Knute Rockne's revolutionary but esoteric strategy of "the forward pass," but their defense is still dangerous enough to win them at least 6 games...so all they need out of the offense is about 5 good games and they're golden. That's a tough order. Getting five good offensive games out of Baltimore a season is like getting five good songs out of Nickleback's career--it's probably not going to happen, and in fact even one would be miraculous. They'll show up at the strangest times, just enough to play spoiler.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, RB Willis McGahee

HOT STUFF COMING THROUGH
Considering all the flak he takes, Ben Roethlisberger had one of the quietest 32 TD seasons we've ever seen last year. Combined with Willie Parker and the usual tenacious Steeler D, the Steelers should cruise into the playoffs. Should. They just don't seem like an elite team and Cleveland knocked on the door hard last season. If Fast Willie runs out of gas, there's trouble brewing. Besides, no team with a mascot as creepy as Steely McBeam should be allowed within fifty yards of a Super Bowl game. They'll win double digits, make the playoffs, win their first playoff game, and then get bounced. Whether it's out of the AFC Championship or just the second round is up to the football Gods. And Indianapolis.
Fantasy Focus: QB Ben Roethlisberger, RB Willie Parker, The Defense

VICTORY TASTES GOOD, LIKE SALTWATER TAFFY OR A CHUNKY
After John Elway killed the spirit of the Browns so much that the assface owner chickened out and left town for a pile of money to a town that had already had an assface owner leave town because there wasn't enough money in it, Cleveland took a few years off and then became an expansion joke. Well, joke's over. Somewhere along the way, the Browns became relevant again, and they probably won't go away any time soon. Their offense went from nothing to threat in a heartbeat, and the defense--while not overwhelming--shows up enough times a year to keep them in a few games. Derek Anderson made Brady Quinn irrelevant overnight and with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow around to correct throwing errors, he won't be giving up that starting spot anytime soon. But they have to turn the corner soon. Two years sounds about right...they can get back just in time for the Broncos to be there to kick them in the crotch again.
Fantasy Focus: QB Derek Anderson, the WRs, TE Kellen Winslow

THE DEFENSE RESTS
It's nice when you can make a Bengals joke with double meaning. Carson Palmer might actually make it through a full season this year, which is good because it's probably going to be another long defenseless effort for the Bungles. Assuming that no one else gets arrested, they can win any game by putting up 38 points out of nowhere. But then there will be the days when 38 points won't be enough because the defense lets 45 go by. Since we don't give a crap about the Bengals, we'll enjoy those shootouts, especially if they're playing against someone we have on our fantasy team.
Fantasy Focus: QB Carson Palmer, the WRs

LPP's Predicted Standings:
PITTSBURGH STEELERS: 11-5
CLEVELAND BROWNS: 10-6
CINCINNATI BENGALS: 7-9
BALTIMORE RAVENS: 6-10

Since so many of you care (0 comments thus far...wow, thanks fellas) we'll back in a couple more days with the final installment including the (dun dun dunnnn) Broncos Preview!

Plus other stuff maybe.