Not this year. Well, maybe. Hey kids! What time is it? It's time for...
LETPLUMMERPLAY'S NFL PREVIEW!!!
Sure, we love Jake Plummer and we love the Broncos, but other teams can and do exist outside of Denver! Who'da thunk it? without further ado, here's a heaping helping of our expert analysis for the upcoming NFL season! Remember, our predictions are for entertainment purposes only! If you listen to us and gamble on our picks...you're an idiot!
PART I - NFC EAST & NFC NORTH
NFC EAST:
THE NEW YORK GIANTS OF NEW JERSEY
Let's start with Da Champs. After a stunning--dare we say, awe-inspiring-- victory over the Cheatriots, the Giants come into the 2008-09 season not only with no respect in terms of a repeat, but with second-page status thanks to the Brett Favre deal. These guys are getting the short end of the stick, and it should inspire them. It probably won't. They'll probably get a Wild Card, but despite Eli Manning having what should be a fully matured season (maybe even coming within a sniff of Peyton's numbers) the Giants are still more of a single big-game team than a season-long juggernaut. Then again, the 2007 Giants remind us of the 2001 Patriots a little in terms of coaching, teamwork, and a general lack of egos (now that Strahan and Shockey are gone.) Will continue to improve into a powerhouse or will they pull a one-and-done? History seems to indicate the latter, but we'll see.
Fantasy Focus: QB Eli Manning; The Defense; RB...uh, pick one and cross your fingers.
YEE-HAW YIPPEE-KI-YAY
With Adam "Dig Dug" Jones on board (we aren't supposed to call him Pac-Man anymore) the Cowboys look...well they look about as good as they did last year, a team with double-digit wins and no brains. They were the most talented team in the NFC and possibly the second-most talented team in the league, yet they ran into the same problem as the Cheats...out-muscled and out-gutted by a focused unit. The core remains the same. Is Tony Romo a real championship franchise QB or is he just the next Jim Everett? Who knows? Who cares? All we know is that the Cowboys will definitely be the most entertaining franchise in the NFL again...well, off the field at least. If nothing else, T.O. will probably say something totally off the wall by week 8. Probably about Jessica Simpson.
Fantasy Focus: Pretty much the entire starting offense.
THE MOST RACIST TEAM NAME IN ALL OF SPORTS
Nothing excites us about them this year. Or any year. Seriously. If they didn't have Clinton Portis we would have no non-Fantasy knowledge of this team at all. F*** Washington, for as long as they have this nickname and five years afterwards. Chiefs? They suck, but the name's fine. Indians? Okay, pretty bad. Braves? Actually almost dignified. Redskins? No, sorry, that's f***ing stupid, Mr. Grand Wizard. This isn't about being a PC pussy, this is about a bad name. If American Indians made up 80% of NFL rosters or bought noticeable amounts of season tickets, or if the USA actually gave a s***, you bet your ass this would be a real issue, too. Hey, that new NBA team in Oklahoma City needs a name, and there's a lot of black guys on the team, should we call them the Blackskins? Yeah, f*** you, Washington. The last useful thing to come out of that franchise was Champ Bailey. Can we get an Amen?
Fantasy Focus: RB Clinton Portis (duh); K Shaun Suisham
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Every year sportswriters either underestimate the Eagles or grossly overestimate them. "Hey, they might win it all!" "The Eagles stink!" And however the majority opinion leans, the Eagles will go the opposite way and either pleasantly surprise or catastrophically disappoint. We're sick of it, and we're going the safe route: 8-8. That's right Eagles, let's see you turn that table. 8 Wins and 8 Losses? They'll find a way to make it 8 Losses and 8 Wins. We're on to you, Eagles. We like Donovan McNabb a bit. He's still an underrated quarterback, but then again, Donovan never gives anyone a real reason to think he's more than that, does he? Hey, Bernie Kosar was "underrated" too. You know why? He never won a Super Bowl either.
Fantasy Focus: K David Akers; RB Brian Westbrook (as usual.)
LPP's Predicted Standings:
DALLAS COWBOYS: 13-3
NEW YORK GIANTS: 11-5
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: 8-8
WASHINGTON REDSKINS: 7-9
NFC NORTH:
JILTED EX-WIVES
The Packers aren't going to the NFC title game this year, but they aren't going to wither up into pushovers, either. Maybe Brett Favre was BRETT FAVRE, but as good as he could be he was also a wild-armed chucker at times, as the team discovered two weeks before the Giants showed up to the Super Bowl. Favre just happened to be good in (almost) all the right spots last year. Well, you don't get those kind of opportunities without your team hitting all the spots, do you? The Packers have as good a chance as anyone to make some noise, the problem is, they don't have the horses to do anything but surprise a few teams before January. Luckily, their division stinks worse than a moldy old Provolone loaf and they're in prime position to rack up double-digits in the W column. Will Aaron Rodgers be able to pick up where Favre left off? Hmm...probably not, but even if Aaron Rodgers is only half as good as Favre it makes him twice as good as Jon Kitna. Well, guess who's the next best QB in the NFC North? Exactly.
Fantasy Focus: QB Aaron Rodgers; WRs Donald Driver and Greg Jennings; RB Ryan Grant; K Mason Crosby
THE PURPLE APOSTLES
As one of our favorite websites has implied, Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson is the most dangerous man in the division, maybe all of football. The kid is capable of breaking all sorts of records. 2000+ yards? No sweat. 30 TDs? Why not? 3000 all-purpose yards? Just watch him. Unless he gets hurt...and he doesn't seem too durable. So let's not start praying at the altar just yet. Unfortunately, despite having Purple Jeebus and a tough defense, the Vikings are quarterbacked by one of those wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men you see outside of tire shops and Fuddruckers and their receiving corps is less reliable than bootleg Chinese jet fighter parts. Maybe John David Booty will get some playing time, if for nothing else than getting some Booty out there on the field. This is a one-man show in the classic mold of the old Barry Sanders Lions or the Eric Dickerson Colts. Poor Adrian.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense; RB Adrian Peterson; RB Chester Taylor (late round, just to be safe)
POLISH SAUSAGE
Bears...Bulls...Ditka...Bears...oh, sorry, just dozing there. The Bears have turned a Super Bowl threat into "what the **** happened?" in the space of less than two years. That's Al Davis-level impressive. If it wasn't for the Soldier Field advantage and a weak schedule, they'd look even worse--but at least they'd have better draft picks. 7-9 doesn't really seem that bad if you're, say, a Falcons fan, but in Chicago with a division that weak...you may as well be dancing on George Halas's grave. Brian Urlacher commented during the Brett Favre saga that Chicago didn't need him at QB...which is a sure indication that Urlacher's taken more punishment to the brain than anyone realizes. Sexy Rexy Grossman and Cowboy Kyle Orton are the current options under center. Frankly, if we were Chicago fans we'd be wondering when the team will be going to the infamous A-11 setup so they can get two bad QBs on the field at the same time to possibly equal one mediocre QB. It's going to be a long season, but if injuries shake up Green Bay and Minnesota, Chicago could back into the playoffs if they can muster up even a 9-7 finish.
Fantasy Focus: The Defense, but don't expect what they did two years ago. Not much, unless you want a kicker, than K Robbie Gould is reasonable.
DELTA CITY
As much as we bag on Shanahan and Denver management, we do remember to thank the Football Jesus (the one who doesn't play in Minnesota) each and every seasonal Sunday for making sure Matt Millen isn't "running" the Broncos. The nicest thing we can say about Lions management is at least they haven't changed the uniforms. Their commitment to crapulence is stunningly consistent...by God they've been running the team this way since before Barry Sanders realized he was playing in a no-win situation and by God they'll run it that way until the city of Detroit unleashes RoboCop on them. Their defense can't stop the run and their offense more or less consists of "go long." Jon Kitna, as we stated, is the second-best QB in this division and that pretty much sums up how bad the Lions really have it. With this schedule and this weak sauce division, incredibly the Lions do have a chance to get that overdue 10-win season Kitna blabbed about before the team flushed itself last season. But they won't. The worst thing about all this is...they stomped Denver's guts out last season. Man, did that ever suck. But then, that's how far we'd fallen, so hey...
Fantasy Focus: Amazingly enough, The Defense, because they overplay receivers and get picks from bad QBs (in this division, that's at least 4 games); every starting WR; K Jason Hanson
LPP's Predicted Standings:
GREEN BAY PACKERS: 10-6
MINNESOTA VIKINGS: 9-7
DETROIT LIONS: 7-9
CHICAGO BEARS: 6-10
We'll be back with the rest of the NFC sooner or later, or maybe we'll do the AFC East and North next. Who knows? Depends on how our meds kick in. Until then, we wish we could predict that someone would...
LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!
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